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Does this look like spit to you? Burger Punk

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An interview with Vermont State Troopers before the release of their upcoming movie "Super Troopers"


Q: What is the purpose of the highway patrol? And is it anything like C.H.I.P.S.?

A: No, we're really not like C.H.I.P.S. We're more like that 70's movie C.H.O.M.P.S., where Valeri Bertenelli builds a dog out of spare parts. Then the dog gets into adventures and finally meets Eddie Van Halen. That's like us. But I'd sure like to meet Eddie Van Halen.


Q: What's unique about the stretch of highway you protect?


A: What's unique about our stretch of highway? Nothing at all. In fact, it's so much like every other stretch of highway that sometimes I show up for work in the wrong county altogether. I don't have to tell you that this doesn't sit well with the cops in THAT jurisdiction. Oh, the needless blood that has been shed over these little misunderstandings. I should probably get a map or something.


Q: What is hot pursuit? Does it get officers hot?


A: I rented a movie called "Hot Pursuit." You know, it was one of those movies they keep in the back of the store. In it, a cop pulled over a busload of cheerleaders and they took turns sitting on the cop's face. Mac says that happened to him. I thought he was lying, so I asked Thorny. He said it happened to him, too. I gotta start working different shifts, I guess.


Q: What do officers think about while sitting on the side of the road waiting for someone to do something illegal? Is this what makes them so gruff when they pull people over?


A: Sometimes I think about what if I fell asleep on an ice rink, and I was naked, what would happen if someone skated over my penis. Would it cut it clean off? Also, I think about Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. Have you ever noticed that she doesn't seem to get any older? Maybe she really is involved with some heavy shit.


Q: Are you guys above the law? If so, what does it feel like, and is it anything like "hot pursuit"?


A: Being above the law is like some wonderful drug, that you never get tired of taking. I've heard it compared to opium, except without the terrifying, shivering comedowns.


Q: Should people fear the badge or fear the man that wears it?


A: Fear the badge. It can be used to stick you in the eye or scratch your neck. That's how I subdue a suspect when I forget my gun. (which is most of the time)


Mac Q: Do women get out of tickets if they cry? Is there anything men can do to get out of a ticket?

A: Crying gets you a shoulder, not a ticket. The "P" word is a sure ticket if you aren't crying cause it's probably not true then. I don't need that shit on my watch. All men get tickets except rock stars and pro athletes (I would ticket Phil Collins).


Q: Does your division have dashboard video taping capabilities? Does it help deter crime?


A: Deter crime, no. Increase off duty sexual activity on the hood of the cruiser, yes.


Q: If there were no crime, what jobs would you guys be doing?


A: I don't really like to think about heavy shit like this. If there were no crime that would mean we were all good. That would suck. Imagine the weekends. Stiff central. I'd kill myself but that would be a crime so boo-hoo-hoo, I couldn't. What fun is that? Okay, I'd be a nude mime. I'd rub myself hard but who would arrest me? Then I'd walk the streets cursing loudly, but hey, it's not a crime anymore. See? Do you see?


Q: Should people view you as the glue that holds our delicate society together?


A: Christ, I don't give a shit what they do. Yes, that's fine.


Farva Q: How do I become a VT state trooper?

A: Move to Vermont. Get pushed around all your life, and then decide to do something about it. Get fired from your job as an over aggressive Assistant Football Coach at the local High School (The Spurbury Sparrows) and realize you need a new career.


Q: Is having a mustache a prerequisite to being a good cop?


A: No. Being a good cop is a prerequisite to having a mustache. At least that's what Captain O'Hagan tells us.


Q: Is it illegal to make love to oneself while driving the speed limit?


A: It's not illegal, as long as your hands are in the "10 o'clock and 2 o'clock" position.


Rabbit Q: What are the main differences between the highway patrol and the local police officers?

A: Briefs vs. Boxers. However, in my first week in the station, I had to wear only a banana leaf. This was a hazing ritual that the guys actually started with me, so I feel pretty good about that.


Q: How do you guys get involved with the community you protect?


A: I like to help where I can, I lead a boy scout troop, and I'm a candy striper on weekends.


Thorny Q: Why do they call cops pigs? For that matter, why are white folks called crackers?

A: Probably because pigs are known to be the smartest animals. Smarter than dogs, you know. Not as smart as dolphins, but smarter than dogs, definitely and people love dogs. And the answer is because white people are white, salty and have exactly 8 holes in them.

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Guest me IS cool

hahah oh fuck you made my day! :lol: I'm gonna be first in line to see that sucker! :lol: hahaha



















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