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offensive jokes..


graffsurgeon

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a priest walks up to this little boy that is crying and says "child, whats wrong?"

"my parents just drove off the cliff and died, right in front of me."

the priest starts unzipping his pants and says

"wow, today really isnt your day"

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What did the blind, deaf, and dumb girl get for Christmas?

 

Cancer.

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

What did the little black boy get for Christmas?

 

My bike.

 

 

 

 

old but good.

lolz

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Sorry if posted already. Picture this in Boston.

 

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in

a nursing home. All the Hispanic facilities were completely full

so they had to put him in an Irish home.

 

After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa. 'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.

 

'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,'

says Grandpa.

 

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'

 

'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,' grandpa says with a big smile.

 

'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro''.

 

'There is a judge in here -- he' s 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'.

 

'And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'.

 

'And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican'!!'

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Long ass joke called "THE VOODOO DICK" punchline/general story telling is funnier if your good at delivery in real life.

 

The wife of a average businessman finds her husband packing his clothes, so she asks him "Honey what are you packing your stuff for?", to which he replies "I have a business trip out of town, so I'll be leaving for a few days. The wife just happens to be a nymphomaniac and immediately begins to panic and asks "What am I going to do while you are gone", the husband quickly shouts "I don't know go buy a toy from the Sex shop down town" as he runs outside to get into his cab.

 

So The husband leaves, and his wife goes to bed. As she wakes up she instantly is craving sex, so she grabs her purse and drives down to the local sex shop. In a eager voice she demands to the store clerk "I need the strongest most expensive sex toy you have", The clerk pulls out several assorted toys, but the nympho insists she wants something stronger. The clerk finally gives in and says "Well there is one other toy, but it is kind of dangerous". The nympho demands he gets it for her, so he goes back into the sex shops storage area, then a few mins later comes out with a dusty wooden box, with strange carvings in it.

 

"What the hell is that?" The nympho asks. "It is called The voodoo dick" he answers, it is an ancient Penis that is enchanted with voodoo magic. The nympho quickly asks "How does it work?", to which the clerk replys "you simply say Voodoo dick, followed by whatever you want it to do to you, and it will do as commanded." So the Nympho quickly thanks him, throws her money on the counter and runs out with the Voodoo dick in hand, to test it out at home, but she doesn't heed the clerk's call as he screams there is something else you need to know.

 

Once the nympho gets home she hops in bed, opens the wooden box, and blows the dust off the voodoo dick, and skeptically says Voodoo dick fuck me in the pussy. To her amazement the voodoo dick glows green and begins to fuck her in her pussy. As the nympho reaches her climax, she is amazed and goes for a second round. Once she is finally ravished and exhausted she attempts to leave her bed, but the voodoo dick floats towards her, and continues to penetrate her. She immediately begins to panic do to the pain it is causing her, and she decides she has to go to her gynecoligist for help, so she runs naked down the street to get there.

As she arrives in her Gynecolgist's office she screams "help me", to which her doctor asks what seems to be the problem", followed by a green glowing dick smashing a hole through his office wall, and restarting it's smashing spree on the nympho. The doctor grabs hold of the penis, and attempts to dislodge it from the woman's vagina, but he simply grunts "yup it is stuck pretty deep in there" as he fails to dislodge the penis. The woman begins to cry in pain and asks the Doctor "What can you do to stop this Voodoo Dick from killing me?", he simply shrugs and says "I'm sorry I've never dealt with a Voodoo Dick" As he says this a bee flys in his office, and stings his ass causing him to scream "Ahhh Fuck my ass."

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someone sent me this yesterday..

 

a plane is flying over america when the pilot says " i have good and bad news. the bad news is that we're going to crash, the good news is that if we get rid of some passengers we might be able to land." so he says " we'll go alphabetically, we'll start with A..

are there any African Americans on board?"

no one answers

"are there any Blacks on board?"

again no one answers

" are there any Colored people?"

still no answer.

a little black boy looks at his dad and says

"dad, aren't we all 3, African American, Black, and Colored?"

the father says

"No, son, today we're niggers, let the mexicans go first."

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What is the difference between jelly and jam?

 

You can't jelly your wiener into someone's asshole. nohomo

 

A pedophile lures a boy into the woods. As the night progresses the pedo turns on a flashlight but it goes out. The young boy turns to the pedophile and says "I'm getting scared" and the pedophile replies, "At least you don't have to walk out of here alone."

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what happens when you cut a baby in half?

 

you get a boner.

 

________________________________________________________________

 

what happens when you see a dead baby in a microwave?

 

 

nothing, keep masturbating.

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