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graffsurgeon

offensive jokes..

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A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.

 

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."

 

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

 

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

 

"Once," he replied.

 

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

 

"What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.

 

"Don't stop," said the Texan.

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not offensive, but ok:

 

A lady approaches her priest one day and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots that only know how to say one thing."

 

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

 

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

 

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. Then, your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

 

"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."

 

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she noticed his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots inside the cage with them.

 

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

 

There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put those damn beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

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you've probably heard these already but ...

 

What's grosser than eating your grandmother's pussy?

Banging your head on the coffin lid after you're done.

 

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

 

How do you know you've walked into a homosexual church service?

Only half the congregation are kneeling.

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What did one pedophile say to the other?

"I'll give you two fives for a ten."

 

An American, a Russian, and a Mexican were out camping. The American has

his Jack Daniels the Russian has his vodka and the Mexican has his tequila.

The Russian takes a drink of vodka throws the bottle up in the air and

shoots it. The Mexican says, "What did you do that for?" The Russian says,

"In Russia we have lots of vodka." The Mexican takes a drink of his tequila

throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it. The American says, "man what

did you do that for?" The Mexican says, "In Mexico we have lots of tequila."

The American takes a drink of his Jack Daniels throws the bottle up in the

air and shoots the Mexican. The Russian looks at him and says, "Man, what

the hell did you do that for?" The American says, "Oh hell, man, in America

we have lots of Mexicans."

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Originally posted by sewage water

What did one pedophile say to the other?

"I'll give you two fives for a ten."

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: i need to use that one

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Pope: Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news.

Mother: What's the good news?

Pope: I've just been elected Pope.

Mother: What's the bad news?

Pope: I have to move into an Italian neighborhood.

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help keep this thread alive...

 

A white man walks into a bar and says to the black bartender. "Nigger,

get me a beer." The bartender replies, "excuse me?" "Did you not hear

me? I said 'nigger get me a beer.'" The bartender, now very upset,

says, "don't you feel that you should talk like that in this day and

age". "I will if I want to," said the white man. "I'm the one ordering."

The bartender says, "How would you feel if we changed places?" The white

man agrees and goes behind the counter. The black man, now the customer

says, "Cracker Jack ass-hole, get me a beer". The white man turns to the

black man and says, "We don't serve niggers!"

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There are three guys sitting at a bar: a German, an Italian, and a

black guy. Jesus Christ himself walks into the bar and over to them.

He touches the German guy and says, "broken leg, you're healed." Then

Christ walks to the Italian touches him and says, "sprained ankle,

you're healed." Both men are now healed and then Christ walks over to

the black guy and goes to touch him, and he pulls away quickly and

shouts, "don't touch me I am on disability!"

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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

 

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.

 

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

They're right, we do taste like chicken!

 

Another use for used tampons?

Teabags for cannibals.

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why did michael jackson call Boys 2 Men?

he thought it was a delivery service.

 

when michael jacksons wife gave birth to their baby he asked the doctor "how long before we can have sex?" the doctor respnded "i'd wait till he turns 10."

 

:lol:

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A man was walking through Chinatown when he noticed a sign reading: "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an old Oriental man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt.

"How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger.

"Is simple," says the old Oriental man.

"Many, many year ago when come to this country, stand in immigration line behind a big German guy. Immigration lady look at him and go, "What your name?"

He say, "Hans Schmidt."

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, Sam Ting."

:lol:

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How do Chinese people name their kids?

Throw a pan down the stairs.

 

What does a black kid get for his birthday?

Your bike.

 

What do you get when you cross a nigger and a spic?

Someone too lazy to steal.

 

Why do black people smell?

So that blind people can hate them too.

 

What is the worst 3 years of a niggers life?

First grade.

 

And now for the big finish...

 

There's a classroom full of kids. The teacher ask for a volunteer, and a white kid raises his hand. She asks the child "What sound does a cow make?" The kid replies, "Moo, Moo." Next, the teacher asks for another volunteer, and again a white kid raises his hand. "What sound does a horse make?" He responds, "Neighhh, Neighhh." The teacher asks for another volunteer, and this time a black kid raises his hand. "What kind of sound does a pig make?" she asks. He replies, "HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!"

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Jane was a first time contestant on a $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, because Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

 

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers were! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

 

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

 

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.

 

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

 

After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

 

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

 

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

 

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

 

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

 

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

 

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

 

"Very good. Six seconds."

 

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

 

"Very good! Four seconds."

 

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

 

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

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John woke up one morning with an enormous erection, so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened, though, and was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John wrote a note, called to his little boy, and asked him to bring the note to his wife. It read:

 

The tent pole is up,

The canvas is spread,

The hell with breakfast,

Come back to bed.

 

Heather answered the note with one of her own and asked her son to take it to her husband. The note read:

 

Take the tent pole down,

Put the canvas away,

The monkey had a hemorrhage,

No circus today.

 

John read the note and scribbled a reply. He asked his son to take it to his wife. The note read:

 

The tent pole's still up,

And the canvas still spread,

So drop what you're doing,

And come give me some head.

 

Heather answered the note and asked her son to deliver it to her husband. The note read:

 

I'm sure that your pole's

The best in the land.

But I'm busy right now,

So do it by hand!

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A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

 

"We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

 

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

 

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

 

They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued up.

 

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

 

On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

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Some reasons that it's great to be a guy:

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every picture of somebody crying.

All your orgasms are real.

You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

You can write your name in the snow.

Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

One mood, all the time.

You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too dirty.

You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.

With 400 million sperm cells per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

You don't mooch off others' desserts.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

The remote control is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends that you've changed.

Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "screw it."

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with, "So... notice anything different?"

 

 

 

 

Things that suck about being a guy:

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.

Ribbed for her pleasure -- not yours.

You have to wear ties.

You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

"Women and children first."

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Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

 

He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

 

The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

 

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

 

The boy says, "Catch some chickens."

 

The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

 

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

 

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

 

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

 

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

 

The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

 

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

 

The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."

 

The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

 

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

 

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

 

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

 

The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

 

The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

 

The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

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A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.

 

A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

 

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

 

"So what happened that's so horrible?"

 

"Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

 

The man said, "Okay, but that's not so bad."

 

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

 

"So what happened then?"

 

http://www.jokes2000.com/pics/illustrations/9180.gif'> "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

 

"And then?"

 

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

 

"Again?" said the man.

 

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

 

"So, what did you do then?"

 

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

 

"And then?"

 

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

 

"Hmmm..." said the man.

 

"Some things you just can't explain," replied the farmer.

 

"So, what did you do?"

 

"Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain."

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