Death of a Parent

[Fist 666]

I have a relationship with my parents that fluctuates between poor and nonexistent.  Neglect, abuse, general overly strict Bible thumping types...

 

Anyhow. My mother was given a couple months to live last June (multiple cancers) and has just now finally been put into hospice with the expectation she'll pass in the next few days.

 

I've had plenty of time to process this over the last year, but I guess the actual grieving process is hitting me, with much more tenacity than I expected. Mostly anger. Anger for the relationship that "should" exist between a mother and child. Angry that her last words to me were begging me to accept Jesus in my heart so I won't burn in hell  knowing that named wedge is such a "button" to me.  Angry for all the things in my life she watched happen.

 

I can forgive her mental illness, I've dealt with it enough myself. She attempted suicide when I was 6 and spent months in the hospital recovering physically, but didn't snap out of her depression until I was in my 30s. 

 

Anywho... anybody else dealt with this?

 

 

 

(Feeling stuff, might delete later...) 

[One Man Banned]

Heavy for my current state but I appreciate your realness in the open forum.  Initial thoughts..... I try not to use "should," it implies a rule about something that may not exist in reality and will therefore drive you nuts if you expect that rule to be true. 

 

There are expectations for how a parent is to act, but if no one ever imparted that on them as children, or they are inhibited for reasons like mental illness, it may be reasonable yet unfair to hold them to an ideal, even a basic ideal, of how a parent is.

 

Anger is a part of grief and is natural.  Also might reflect your love & caring for your mother and wishing that she could have met expectations, like you can love her because she's your mother but be angry at her behavior.  I can respect that.

 

I might envy some of these cultures that face death with joyous celebration, they're better than me. Sorry to hear about your situation.  Take care of yourself. 

[Fist 666]

I put "should" in quotes for exactly that reason. 

 

I'm okay; I have a therapist and my wife is a therapist so I'm fairly versed in facing what I'm actually feeling and at "using my words" accordingly.  

-----

She passed about an hour ago. She was decidedly celebratory and welcoming of death (when she wasn't in excruciating pain). She believed she'd be in heaven now, reunited with her parents and her younger brother. 

 

My intent with the thread wasn't to be therapeutic for me, but just to start a conversation as the general age range of ch0 users has got to put this event as likely relevant. 

[SMdoubleXL]

Man. Sorry bout this @Fist 666

 

i hope you have been gentle on yourself 

I made the decision about 20 yrs ago to not have a relationship with my mother. 
i went through the grieving process and had no idea to expect that because  she wasn’t physically deceased

 

but as the years pass I sometimes wonder how her passing will affect me, when it does.  
 

i had much better physical (and obvs mental) health after severing that relationship. 

i have a fantastic relationship with my child

 

you can always hit the pm if you need to vent man. 

 

 

[Mercer]

Dad had lung Cancer, fought it for 2 years. Eventually went on hospice and passed away. I've had friends die, grandparents, etc. but when my dad died it hit hard. For some reason, when you lose a parent it extra rough. Part of it is realizing your own mortality, part of it is no matter how your relationship is, it's your parent.

 

Same thing just happened to my wife last year when her mom died. Truth be told it still got losing my dad still kinda got me fucked up 10 years later. I wasn't super close, kind of the same as you @Fist 666due to my dad's hard core conservatism and my extra strong anti authoritarianism. That said, none of that shit matters really, it's your parent. Luckily I was able to hold it down for my family.

 

Wish I had some advice or whatever to help but the truth is, it's just going to hurt, and the pain fades so slowly it seems like it's forever. If you've got unresolved issues, best thing you can do for yourself is let it go, that goes for anyone even if your parent isn't dying. Holding on to that anger shit is 100% natural, one must make a conscious decision and apply that when the negative thoughts start taking over. I had to learn how to nudge my mind into positive thoughts via meditation, then stop and apply that when I had negative thoughts. 

[fat ralphy]

My pops was pretty trash as I was growing up - dude was a bas example, abusive and even threatened to snitch me out at one point. 

 

I didn’t talk to him for years in my early 20’s. 

 

in my adulthood I realized the guy never was capable of what I expected out of him. I came to

understand I am the better man, by far - so now I make sure I have good boundaries but I involve him in my life. 

 

For those of you that have cut out toxic people, props.

 

My only point here is that some people mellow and  change and we grow up a bit - I am happy I have had a chance to reconcile with my pops.

 

His dad used to try and kill him when he was 7/8 - and Im over here expecting him to be Ward Cleaver and shit. 

 

Anyway - its tough as hella being a parent coming from dysfunction. I am proud of you Ooontz - we pretty decent folks for a bunch of degenerates. 

[Mercer]

I think this is the first time people can actually talk about real shit on 12oz without the losers using it against you for fun.

[fat ralphy]

@Mercer it has definitely shifted that way in the last years. 

 

More of an on topic post here - my was a single mother during my formative years. The woman single handedly made her sons top priority - I think almost every decision she made was in our best interest. Still to this day she is devoted to helping her children/grandkids. 

 

Seeing her get older is a trip and if anything were to happen to her I would be greatly affected. Most of us here are at the halfway point and we all have seen it, no guarantees that we will be here next year or even next week when it really comes down to it. 

 

Live in the now and show the people you love what they mean to you. 

[One Man Banned]

3 hours ago, Mercer said:

I think this is the first time people can actually talk about real shit on 12oz without the losers using it against you for fun.

 

It'a always been possible but people need to look out for, and check that shit, collectively.  

VIP threads can also counter some of that if needed.