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NightmareOnElmStreet

The "Shame this mans" thread.

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After years and years of j/o'ing for free on the internet and one or two whiny feminist podcasts later I decided it was time to "pay for some porn."

I went on down to a well known site called "Blacked.com" and saw a ad for a 2 dollar trial run. I took the bait and immediately cancelled the subscription after my 3 allotted video downloads. The deal was 2 dollars for 3 days and 3 video downloads or some shit. After which I cancelled thinking all would be good in the neighborhood and what not. A few days later my banks sending me notifications of insufficient funds charges (I didn't have a whole lot in there, fuck y'all) and the next thing I know I'm looking at what appears to be several 30 dollar charges from 3rd party sites and a few for 10 dollars. So 3 insufficient funds and a bunch of other shit later I contact my bank and make a fraudulent activity  complaint. They kindly took away 2 of the charges and called my subscriptions "the rental sites" instead of porn. Lol. I had to contact the prawns to resolve the other issues and of course they told me to kick rocks and blah blah you didn't read the fine print. Fuck you. This is why niggas don't pay for porn. I took the L on the chin and feel hella dumb about it. 

Edited by NightmareOnElmStreet
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I'll play.

2015

I was on  the train home from work feeling really flatulent after a lunch of humus and Felafel etc.

A mate DM's me a post by some writer from Baltimore. it's a video edit of that uptown funk song.

When it gets to the bit where the song is like "stop *CLAP* wait a minute, fill my cup "etc. instead of having the normal clip it's a snippet of video of a chick getting hit in the face with a massive cock timed perfectly to match the sound.

 

 Bear in mind I'm semi holding in farts on the packed train because I'm not an animal.

 

I see that completely unexpectedly and laugh my head off temporarily taking my attention off the gas cloud forming behind my sphincter which causes me to release a loud fart.

Instantly stop laughing get up out of my seat as we're approaching my stop and run to the doors butt clenched. I note one lady staring at me.

 

Run out the doors of the train up the first set of escalators out the ticket gates still snickering.

 

Once out the ticket gate I walk to the back entrance of the station so I can loop around and there's less people there.

 

 think to myself "i gotta see that again LOL" put it on as I'm going up the escalator to the street. Hits funny bit I laugh and again drop a fart by mistake. Turn around and the same lady is there glowering at me about four steps down on the escalators.

 

or ( this one is actually pretty shameful I think because it involves an old lady)

 

1998

When I was in my early twenties and nursing a really annoying speed habit I had a job working in an old folks home doing dishes in the kitchen. I took on some cleaning shifts to make few extra bucks towards a three day rave coming up. Unbeknownst to me the cleaners picked all the nightmare residents and gave their rooms to me. Senile old gay dude trying to touch your dick as you walked past and things like that.

 

I get this one lady Mrs DeGeorges a real nasty piece of work. She's constantly yelling at me about how I sweep, the sponge I use to wipe the benches the way I lay out the cushions on her bed when I hit on the great idea while I'm cleaning to fart on her face towel.

 

Sneak into bathroom, grab the fresh face towel, squeak a smelly one out quietly on it turn around to hang it up......... AND SHE"S FUCKING WATCHING ME!!! sneaky old bitch opened the door so silently.

She starts yelling, I mumble some crap and run to the laundry cupboard to get a fresh towel because I really needed the job.

 

Comeback all craven and she's up the hall talking to housework supervisor and they're both looking at me.

 

I got taken aside and told "we're not going to tell the manger (who was a real Karen) but you don't get paid for this shift and you don't do cleaning any more"

 

When Mrs DeGeorges died a few months later I was probably the only one semi smiling because she never forgot.

 

Quiet day at work today

 

 TL:DR Schnitzel has had some farting issues)

Edited by Schnitzel
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Went on a trip to visit some old people I know nothing about. Found my grandmas vibrator under her bed when I was a kid. I decided it would be funny to leave it on the living room carpet for everyone to see. All I can say things got pretty awkward when it was discovered. lmao I still can't live that down.

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I suck at small talk but have to do a huge amount of functions with high-level govt and industry peeps where all you do is small talk.

 

Can't think of a single time where I haven't walked out thinking to myself, "Well, that was dumb thing to say..."

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@NightmareOnElmStreet Can confirm dem feels. Ever since I learned what the internet is. It only makes me cringe to think I used to buy porn. live and learn. Fuck it. Everybody is a perverted peice of shit anyway fuck the bank clerk. They're probably more fucked up than I am.

 

Theres been some times where I had to go in and sort something out knowing I had just made a purchase. Knowing your bank clerk is about to check all your recent transactions is disgusting lol

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I get irl pissed about people being morons on the internet. I shouldn't, but I do. 

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^^^ I consciously avoid letting myself get emotional about internet fuckery. Good on you for recognizing it though. That's how I first started to avoid it all together. I'm saying... props. 

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I have been better about it but I realized when I am watching a movie that I haven’t seen before, usually, I’ll sit with my phone in hand-on IMDB “seeing what else he/she is in” 

 

ive learned to keep the vocal recognition to myself. Mostly. 
 

 

tl;dnr (ironically) I talk a lot.

 

 

edit-I DO NOT do this in the theatre.  

Edited by SMdoubleXL
Clarity
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3 hours ago, Fist 666 said:

I get irl pissed about people being morons on the internet. I shouldn't, but I do. 

Yo I cant bro. I drive next to fucking idiots too often to be mad on the internet. I'd die. But I feel you. It's a big ocean man lots of weird ass fish.

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@SMdoubleXLI'm super guilty of this. Like my wife and my boy verbally frisked me. I dont say shit in theaters either.

 

But at home something in the air. We sipping. I'm a fuckin talker all day I'm not gonna stop cause fuckin last action hero or old boy is on. 

 

This is shit we gotta discuss going on.

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So I wanted a cheap lunch one day and got sauerkraut and mustard dogs from a street vendor, forgetting I was running late that morning and didn't shit before work. I was supposed to look into one of those rooftop water tanks for the fire system in Manhattan, and felt these really sharp pains in my stomach. I hadn't realized it but the gas from the sauerkraut was now blocked by a giant overdue turd, and had no escape.

 

Anyway it fucking hurt bad, like getting stabbed with a hot poker internally. I was literally hunching over in pain, found the building super he even noticed like "you OK" and said "do you have a bathroom". He takes me to the basement/garden level, there was a bar there and he points me to the fucking bathroom. I go in and there isn't a single fucking toilet, all urinals. I was like fuck it, grabbed some napkins and started to look for alternatives. Anyway, I saw the super again luckily and he takes me to the ladies room in the same bar that I couldn't find earlier because it's a single toilet, in a very small room in the middle of the floor. Mind you it's morning and the bar is closed.

 

Anyway, I go in, sit down, and had trouble forcing the dried overdue turd out of my ass at first, eventually just pulled out a silver krink marker and hit a nice little hand while waiting on this tortoise to de-shell. Finally, the turd is begrudgingly making it's way out, and I'm trying my hardest not to clench up and break the motherfucker in half so I'll have to use half a roll of toilet paper to clean my asshole. That's when I hear pair of high heels making their way across the floor towards me, must be a bar tender or something there early. Then as the steps stop just outside the door the handle jiggles, and my massive turd finally makes a splash. Behind it was a mixture of gas, and some more shit, and because of the massive amount of gas pressure it started loudly blasting out. A rapid sputter of loud fart, followed by splashes, super fucking loud.

 

Courtesy flushed, and waited for the bitch to walk away which she never did. Eventually I said fuck it, and was worried about the fresh krink smell but figured she'd be holding her breath. When I came out it still smelled like strong krink but she must have tiptoed away after hearing that disaster. I never went back to that bar, it was the one in that building in Soho where Center and Lafeyette merge  together near Spring, right next to that dope Taco spot facing the park. Anyway, I wonder if she suffers from PTSD after hearing that shit. Literally the loudest shit I've ever taken. I still felt like shit afterwards and went home early that day.

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Sat in a local pub 12 hours after dropping acid on a Sunday my mate's were laughing at me tripping balls and basically getting slowly drunk on top of the drugs.. I couldn't stop giggling then one friend started spinning a pool ball on the table, me mesmerised he then slapped it hard across the room which I found hysterical and shat my pants. Realising what i'd done i quickly headed for the bathroom whipped off my boxers and bunged em down behind the toilet all while giggling and having paranoia waves. Went back in the bar thinking i'd got away with it but wearing light Khaki pants everyone had seen the stain 😄.  

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Another time I had just moved into a new place in which a new kitchen and bathroom had been fitted. I had just got home from work early on the friday feeling pretty good about a fresh new pad and decided to whack off while sitting on the sofa in the front room. There was a knock at the front door and the guy who tiled the bathroom was stood there smirking trying not to laugh saying he'd left some tools in the back garden. He must of had a quick look in the window before knocking and seen me pumping to heaven 🍆  

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Was working out of a studio in Berlin where all the coders sat at the equivalent of a meeting room table. so like 3 or 4 down one side and the same on the other. Computer LCD displays are back to back so if you sit up straight, you can peak over and see the dude right in your face on the other side of it. At the time, we'd use AIM (messenger to communicate amongst ourselves) because people were focused on coding and it could sometimes be pin drop quiet except for the sound of typing keyboards. Anyhow, my stomach had trouble adjusting to the richness if German food and all the extra beer drinking, Turkish food, Vietnamese good etc they had out there would come back to tax you after every meal. So I'm trying my best to let these farts out a little at a time cause they fuckin reaked. After a while I couldn't keep throttling them out or risk actually making them audible instead of the quiet sneak attack I was unleashing. Granted most of them were chain smoking so it took a while to truly pollute the office, but it was very well under way. Then I let this huge quite one go that I believed was going to be the tipping point. I was so freakin embarrassed that I went to text my wife a summary of my gastro issues but hadnt noticed that the guy right in front of me sent a message, which in those days brought that conversation to the front. So instead of texting my wife, I explained to him explicit detail how I was fouling up the room to all new levels and how my stomach was in the mix and I might have to slide home and drop real bombs.

 

Dude was a very stiff (German) coder dude, super straight laced and genuinely had no idea how to respond, so he was just like, 'ummm, ok'. When I realized the mistake I made, I was freakin horrified and did the Fred Flintstone where he shrinks down to like 6" tall. I literally compressed myself into a little ball and maintained my display as a shield from absolute humiliation and waited as long as I could for dude to get up and walk away, all the while continuing to unleash hell and getting increasingly panicked that I'd never make it all the way home before having to drop load. 

 

Oh man, I still cringe thinking about it.

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One that still fucks me up when I’m alone with my thoughts after multiple decades :

 

Went to high school with a girl named Kristy who was very unattractive. Unfortunately she gained the nickname Krusty instead of Kristy

 

People would say it behind her back and keep it from her but she knew about

 

kristy was the best friend of a chick I was trying to fuck. 
 

The three of us hung out. Kristy, me and the girl I was trying to bone. We would hang after school and get high etc. 

 

I liked her and she was cool. she wasn’t my friend but I was probably her friend. 
 

one time I was talking w someone in a hall at school and caller her krusty, I looked to my side and she was there talking w someone else. We locked eyes and I knew she heard me

 

teenagers are cunts. I was a shit and I regret it but accept it
 

 

 

 

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Story about moving into a new place reminded me of a time long long ago-I probbaly mentioned it in that other shame thread -

 

I purchased a new bed and upon dismantle part of removal of old bed-I hear chuckles and giggles come from the two grown man upstairs doing their job. 
 

they call me upstairs 

 

I enter the room and their eyes motion toward the old bed and there lies my tethers. 
 

with the locking cuffs attached. 
 

as the were attached to the frame of the bed underneath and tucked between my mattress and box

 

i walked over and grabbed em like it was just some regular item and walked out of the room. 
 

 

the giggles continued 

Edited by SMdoubleXL
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@pissdrunkand @SMdoubleXL SHAME for texting and movie-ing. That’s one of my biggest pet peeves. But I’m the first motherfucker to hop on the phone to imdb the second someone needs to pause LOL. 

 

Definitely noticing a trend of shitty, farty, or generally poo related self shamery going on in here. Don’t shame thyself for what the body commands lol. 

 

@KILZ FILLZthats good self shame you got up there. Most of us have been guilty of something like this in high school. It sucks. 

 

@SMdoubleXLwhat other shame thread🧐

 

 

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7 hours ago, NightmareOnElmStreet said:

 SHAME for texting and movie-ing. That’s one of my biggest pet peeves. 

 

@SMdoubleXLwhat other shame thread🧐

 

no phone use in/at the movie. that’s shit  is annoying 

 

ya know-that other shame thread that is shameful sex type tings 😎

 

 

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I’ve been spelling masturbate wrong this whole time 

 

and you know google or autocorrect won’t offer assistance 

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