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DODGED BULLETS


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Used to Date this girl in Denver, she drank way too many DR Peppers like 4 or 5 a day. Saw her over a year later when I left Denver and moved back. Her teeth turned yellow and she put on what looked like 50 lbs. Sadly, the only thing she had going for her originally was her looks.

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I’ve missed out on a few fun nights because I missed the signs (one was with 2 hot Asian girls in Penang, which I still shake my head at) or because I just messed it up. 

 

I soften the the blow by telling myself that I really dodged a bullet instead  as they were the girls with STDs. 

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i hooked up with this girl a few times that I had met through some mutual friends. long story short she invited me to a party she was having an I showed up late, but she was trashed went into a drunken rage that made no sense. it literally came out of nowhere so i gave her a ride home to prevent her from further embarrassing herself. a few days later she calls me up to make plans for dinner and she apologized about said events. but while we are enjoying our meal i noticed her hands trembling and she literally had  5 mixed drinks within an hour. 

 

when i went home, i was thinking this girl is a straight up alky, and kinda just lost her number. i ran into her last month at a friends BBQ and she looked terrible, flaky ass skin and fucked up hair. she was pretty hammered and we talked for a little bit but i just wanted to get away from her and the awkward conversation 

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This happened to me just the other day. I honestly do not know who I was back then to actually fall for such a dirtbag. To think I gave so much time and energy to this person makes me sick. He's one person I can go the rest of my life without seeing. He even had the nerve to call me dork, when he saw me. The fuck, I'm not that little girl anymore. What grown ass man says dork still?! ?

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I have decided to drop this tale. Some may not like it, some will have their entire lives changed by it. But here it is. I lived in a small town. A lot of the folks were farmers and country. Back then, I was skinny as fuck and though I had about eight inches erect, no girl would ever have known because I had no mouthpiece and no game. Well in this town, there is a college and I went there. I was pretty shy and there was this white girl that came there once and I noticed that during class, she would be looking at your boy. Looked like her mouth was watering and shit as well. She was fine as fuck brehs, I wanted to holla, but I was frightened by her european sexuality brehs. Anyways, I had gone to the bathroom one day and I heard the door open and when I looked down at the floor, I noticed some hairy-ass hobbit feet standing in front of my stall. They were encased in timbs but with the toes cut out so the feet could breathe. The toenails were sharp like the fingers of warren sapp . I came out and she told me that we were going out that weekend. We did. We went to the putt putt golf and I had my arms all around her showing her how to hit and I noticed she had some hairy and strong forearms. Like vlade divac level forearms. And there was pro-level power in them as well. Like this one time, a bird flew towards me and she caught it in midair and threw it so far that it disappeared on the horizon. She had the throwing power of joe namath. Her senses and reflexes were off the charts brehs. Anyway, it was not long before she taught me the ways of the bedroom and though she was a bit rough and did not quite understand the concept of ‘safe words’ and ‘going beyond boundaries,’ I fell pretty hard for her. One time she tied me up and I had to talk her down from some pretty weird shit from my stomach like some kind of hostage negotiator. She had the fattest, most round ass that I’d ever seen. A true european ass, and some hooge tittons as well. She insisted they were real though I suspected otherwise. 

 

 

Things went well but eventually there were urban myths of people having their chickens attacked and then someone robbed a bank and on the surveillance video it was some kind of teen-wolf like creature wearing a ronald reagan mask. All these things occurred on nights with a full moon. I cared nothing for this as I never walked around at night. Ever since this dude had gotten raped coming out of western sizzlin, I always carried a whistle. But this one time, I was out driving and my ford tempo broke down in a bad part of town. As I lifted the hood, a group of ordinary vagrants, not homosexual ones, approached me. They caught me with my guard down so I did not have my whistle. They told me they were mechanics and that I probably needed a new ‘pump.’ I told them that I had called the tow truck but they knew that to be a lie bc they’d seen that I had a tracfone and was out of minutes. All of a sudden they attacked me and I tried to fight them off and strangely, all of their attacks were like going for the ass and the groin area and shit. It was mad weird. But it was then that I noticed the moon. It was high and full brehs. Without warning, I heard a shriek and then there was something amongst us. I was thrown to the ground and saw a large bipedal creature that had been cursed by god. There was hair all over it, and the smell of mayonnaise or cool whip hung in the air. It had torn into the vagrants and they stood no chance. They would all have been killed if not for one thing that saved them. One of them was well-read in the literature of the paranormal and he produced a silver crucifix that he stabbed into one of the creature’s breasts. Instantly saline solution flew from there and the fake breast exploded. They slunk out and the beast fell paralyzed to the ground. In case you did not know, silver paralyzes them. The beast was being burned by the holy relic. As I turned to run away, I heard a familiar voice. 'Boris you must help me! I cannot move!’ ‘what? How can you speak english? How do you know my name?’ ‘help me and then we can be together for eternity.’ brehs, the next day the authorities found a puddle of ectoplasm with a silver crucifix sitting in it. The whole thing was not something that happens often in my town.

 

 

I should not say that it was her, but stefaniuh was never seen again. But the thing was, when it was fucking up all them dudes, it had shrieked at me then turned its attention to one on the ground, I saw an image of horror, in its incredible rage, the beast had assumed the doggystyle position, and there was the same fat ass that I had been giving backshots to for the past six months. It was covered with about 200 percent more hair but I recognized it. And as well, it was the same ass that had mesmerized me into my current obsession with bringing salted and cured meats into the bedroom. A beast of the night turned me into a freak brehs which I still am to this day. There are those that will not and cannot believe, but there is another world beneath this one and if you go there brehs, you will be turned into a freak and degenerate of society.

Edited by Boris The Butcher
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Don't think I have any women I have to keep look over my shoulder for.  Two recent dodges though.  Had the dog off leash running along a fence when he came up on a skunk on the other side.  Lucky my dog stayed put watching and the skunk seemed to sense it was safe because of the fence and took off.  

Yesterday crazy storms came close by overhead.  Thunder shook the place and there was impressive lightning illuminating everything.  A burst lit the sky and right after there was a small crackle of sparks right next to us, inside!  Checked to see if it came from an outlet or switch nearby but I think that was right out of the air.

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