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Amazing tales of Mercer Vol. 1, Never Get Caught Without Baby Wipes

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The following is a true story:


In the days before Instagram, and after myspace, those of us skilled in the arts of efame used to bag selfie Queens on Tumblr. I messaged this girl I followed on there, got her number, and started texting back and forth. Finally rolled by her crib in BK to meet up with her one day. Hot latin chick, cute face with freckles, and a really nice body which was surprising, because even back then I knew these girls made an art form out of hitting the right angles so they didn't look fat.


Anyway, first date was a bust, went to meet her at her place but she lived with her dad, and couldn't leave her daughter there. She was someplace near Avenue N, and Ocean. A long fucking drive from Woodside Queens. So a week or two later I had a car service drive her up from Brooklyn to my spot in Queens. Figured we'd go get some drinks and see what happens. I was sort of let down when she got there, because she rolled through with her daughter. Anyway, I played it cool since we'd be hanging out in the crib anyway. Threw some cartoons on the TV and the cockblocker kid was instantly distracted. So I  started putting together a game plan.


We were on the couch and I noticed she had a "fashion rip" in her jeans, so I pointed at it and said "what's that?". Keep in mind it was half way down her thigh, and I never touched her. I just pointed at the rip and she smacked my hand, put her finger up in my face, and said "WE ARE NOT HAVING SEX!"  I'm like "Calm down, I didn't say anything about sex I was asking about your jeans". She was a little bit embarrassed I found out she was a psycho that fast, and played it off.


Anyway, the kid started getting tired, I put out some blankets on he floor by the TV for her to rest on, and she started to doze off. Next thing you know, I'm smashing her mom on the couch. Everyone who's been to my old crib in Queens remembers the old shitty Ikea fold down couch/futon. It was made of cheap metal and was squeaking mad loud from the first super soft pump. I didn't want to wake up the kid, but no matter what I tried couldn't keep the strokes Quiet.


By then she was over being a prude and obviously down, so I said lets take this to the bedroom. About 5 minutes in (missionary) her pussy seized up on me. I never felt anything like that before, it gripped so hard I couldn't pull out, or try push in without bending my dick. She let out a little moan and straight gushed on my bed. I never in my life had a girl squirt on me up until that point. The gush that came out blew my balls back (not so hard that it hurt). I even stopped to make sure the condom was still good before continuing.


I had these blue sheets with a huge wet spot on them that looked like an explosion. I was so proud I thought about flicking it, but I had to play it cool like this happens to me all the time. Anyway, sent her home that night, and we had plans for round 2 at the crib that never happened. Instead, I would roll through during my lunch break if I was working in her neighborhood. I'd park someplace quiet, move all the tools and stuff out the back of my work car to the front seats, and take her in the back to smash.


Later I found out her kids dad was in jail for domestic violence, and could tell that was kind of her thing. Like she'd get super angry for almost no reason at all, and could tell if you fed into that shit you'd be the next one in Rikers. I could definitely see her getting so far out of hand she'd need someone to smack the shit out of her, but I' not that dude. She started in with wanting some commitment from me, like "I need a boyfriend". Never the fuckboy, I always kept it real, just said "you live too far away for that" (plus I'm not trying to go to jail), "so lets enjoy what we've got, or just call it quits". I'd try to turn her feminist logic against her and it worked.







Either way, I haven't gotten to the baby wipes yet, so here goes.


One day I'm working next to Sheepshead bay in small neighborhood called Mill Basin, so I hit her up and she's down.  So I pick her up mid day, drive to a side street and move all my tools/equipment to the front seat so we can go in the back. About 2minutes in I felt some weird shit on my asshole, but knew where her hands were so I knew it wasn't her.


Earlier that day I took a shit, but must not have wiped very well like a common barbarian. Normally I just shit in the morning right before I showered, but that day I was off and shit at work also. There must have been at least a half gram of shit stuck to the hair in my ass crack. Somehow, when we were fucking, it must have been pulled apart by my ass hair, when my cheeks spread so it broke open. Inside of the dried crust was a little bit of moisture left, enough to make the entire car smell way worse than your average fart. It was hot back there, I almost had to stop fucking the smell got so bad. I just ignored it, breathed through my mouth, and tried to nut ASAP, before she peaced the fuck out of that shitbox.


Needless to say it was awkward as fuck, she was a mad quiet when I dropped her off. Till this day I keep a pack of flushable wipes in the car just incase I need to shit so I don't ever get caught slipping like that again. I'm to the point now where I don't understand when people don't have some in their bathrooms, fucking barbarians. Moral of the story, If you don't shower after a shit, you better use wet wipes or you might end up like your boy Mercer. Needless to say  I never hit her up, or heard from her again after that shit.  A shame, not that I'm embarrassed, but because even though she was psycho, she had some amazing pussy.

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If it came down to it, that might’ve been what happened. I remembered a similar story where the guy shit the bed, and then took some of the shit in smeared it in the sleeping girls ass crack, before leaving.

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I live in a country where every toilet has one of these next to the shitter. 
I'm not sure why the rest of the world has not caught on yet.
Blast butthole clean with water, wipe dry with toilet paper.
If you had shit smeared on your face would you wash it with water or dry wipe that shit with tissue?

Also wet wipes are a necessity. one pack for the house, one for the road. always


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I went to Japan once, they made shitting mad complicated with a 30 button remote. It took me 15 minutes to figure out the bidet. Remote buttons had labeled in kanji instead of graphics, toilet had massage, heater, everything.


Until I caught on to wet wipes I would never shit outside of my normal once a day, right before I showered. Beats riding dirty all day with shit in your ass, but now when I think back that's still pretty barbarian.

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I know @Mercereats pretty clean, at least lately, but wondering if you savages need to look into your diets. 


Keeping a clean penny hole generally isnt isn’t that deep. You know those occasions when you let one slide out, go to wipe and then when you verify how things are looking, realize there isn’t even a smudge on the paper?


Yeah, that’s pretty much how it’s supposed to be. 


Granted, since having kids, I’ve learned the joys of wet wipes (though they wreak Havok on the septic and sewer system even if designated “flushable”) and keep packs around for those cheat days where I stuff my face with carbs and then follow it up with a day or two of shitting out something with the consistency of peanut butter), but yeah man...


Someone bump the keto thread so you guys can get can get some help and we can move the n to @Mercernext tale of adventure. 

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