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So like my family died.

Soup forgot his password

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In a car accident. They hit four or five turkeys in the road before smashing into a tree. Real blood bath. Cops found my brother's phone inside a dead turkey about three miles away. We're guessing there was no reception to call for help, so before the remaining vengeful turkeys overwhelmed the only survivor in the wreckage, he managed to dial 911 and jam his phone up one of the turkeys asses. The constipated bird succumbed to his injuries a few miles away with full bars.


At the funeral, however, a bunch of cousins I didn't know I had came out and asked if I remembered them. Last time i saw them I was like three and mostly retarded, so I recalled the only memory I had: one of them liked olives.


They came from all over the fucking mid-west. Michigan, idaho, Ohio, and missouri, so next summer I'm planning a shitty fucking vacation to see where they live and make memories with adorable fucking children that all look like me.


For those of you who are orphans or adopted, i just want to say how fucking awesome it is to have family that's actually related to me. Must suck not to know where you come from, even if where you come from is the god-forsaken midwest. I know a lot of you hipster douchebags live in these medieval states so I'm wondering what advice you have to give me before I go on my epic journey into the seventh layer of hell.

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Are they really off? Give me a sec. I think i disabled them because i check 12oz never. We can talk about it here it doesnt matter. I'm road-tripping from californ-I-A to Sunvalley Idaho, Austin Minnesota, Some tiny detroit subburb, Kansas City, and some other places in Missouri. Big long trip all over the side of america i've never seen or had much interest in before now. I want to see the real mid-west. I'm not going to be one of those tourists that stays on the beach near the resorts and never ventures outward.

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I'm in Colorado.

Hit me up while on your journeys. I've got a couch, good beer, and my dogs are pretty cool.


I think KIR thought my spot was a decent stop along the way.


Can't tell if your story is jokes or serious. Hope not, but if so I'm sorry, man.


LOL. The only part that's real was that there was a funeral and i met a bunch of cousins. My family is fine—er, the same. My brother did not send an SOS by sticking a cellphone into a turkey's anus with his last dying breath.


I dunno if I'll see colorado on this trip but eventually, man. Eventually. I think I'm going straight for idaho on this one. Wherever I go I'll be taking some bikes. I'll definitely be representing.

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