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Local Man in Coma After Eating 413 Red Lobster Biscuits

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A local food writer was rushed to UAMS hospital last night after consuming 413 Cheddar Bay Biscuits from Red Lobster. Doctors confirm that he slipped into a coma shortly after being admitted into the emergency room.

Kevin Shalin, better known as The Mighty Rib, joined a number of fellow food writers and critics to try the highest grossing restaurants in the metro area. The group chose Red Lobster of North Little Rock to start the journey because of the restaurant’s long standing place atop the highest grossing in the area, despite being unseated in the last few years by Golden Corral.

shalin.jpg?resize=300%2C225Shalin seen here eating biscuit #4


According to witnesses Shalin spoke about not eating at a Red Lobster since he was 5 years old. “He had no clue what to expect,” local food writer Daniel Walker tells us. “He sat down at the bar while we were waiting on a table and he decided to try one of the biscuits. He thought they were the most wonderful thing he ever placed in his mouth.”

Red Lobster’s signature Cheddar Bay Biscuits are given out to guest free with meals in unlimited quantities. The restaurant list the biscuits as 150 calories each and a chef for the restaurant tells us they have approximately 1/8th of a stick of butter in each. UAMS doctors are speculating that it is the equivalent of 51.5 sticks of butter that Shalin ate that is causing the coma.

“After he ate the first one he looked at us and asked if the biscuits are really free,” another guest, Kelly Gee, tells us. “I said ‘heck yeah those are free, eat as many as you want’. After about 30 I see him over asking the manager what was the record for most biscuits ate. He just came back and said I think I can do 415, and started really digging in. His beard was covered in crumbs.”

Shalin reported feeling dizzy upon consuming #412. Friends encouraged him to stop, but he continued with #413. Immediately after eating Shalin fell on the ground convulsing.

Doctors believe the butter from the biscuits have blocked signals coming from Shalin’s brain. In an early morning update hospital officials state that they have drained approximately 2 gallons of butter already and expect him to make a full recovery once the rest is clear. Shalin is expected to be released in time for his visit to Golden Corral’s chocolate wonderfall later next week.





WHAAT THE FUCK! You'd think this is like a joke article.




Thoughts? I'm speechless

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damn, he was only 2 away from his goal (despite whatever the record was & whether 415 would beat that or not)..


how many do oontzers honestly think they could eat..? personally think id stop after about 30

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Shit does smell fake as fuck though.

413 pieces of bread??? That's the shit they give you to fill you up so that you don't bitch about small portions.

And this nigga supposed to be a food critic and he eating at red lobster?


I guarantee there's no way in hell 413 biscuits are fitting in anybody stomach, not even a super fat fucking fat fuck.

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I will eat some Red Lobster biscuits, they sprinkle crack on them to keep you coming back.

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They wouldn't even serve someone 413 biscuits. pretty sure after 10 they'd be like nah you cut off.

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