Illuminati Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Yo whats up with some funny jokes? I know everyone likes to laugh so post up whatever jokes you think are funny. Heres a few to get it rolling As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothes and asks, "is there someone on this plan who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!" A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples?” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.” A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.' My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realism Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 i think telling a good linear joke is a pretty dead art, but that baby/bus one brought on a few hearty mongoloid chuckles Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Illuminati Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 Richard Pryor - cocaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CancerDancer Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 how do u kill a one legged fox? make it run across canada Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inappropriate_Responder Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Illuminati Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes. After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Scientist Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Q: What do you call a black guy in a tree? A: The branch manager. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fist 666 Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I've got a juggling act I'm working on, I just don't have the balls to do it in public. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fist 666 Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 also, there is a racist joke thread already. its got pages on pages of goodies and lame ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cool_Hand Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 fuuuuu this thread may make 2 pages. . . doubtful tho Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fist 666 Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Q. where does a general keep his armies? A. in his sleevies. laffy taffy motherfucker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
masterpiece Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 two cannibals are eating a clown. one turns to the other and asks, "does this taste funny to you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Das Beard Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Q- What's green and has wheels? A- Grass, I lied about the wheels. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
injury Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 what do eskimos use to hold stuff together? ig-glue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Das Beard Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Q- Why do elephants have flat feet? A- From jumping out of trees. Q- Why do hippos have flat noses? A- Because they aren't so good at jumping out of trees. I like bullshit jokes. That grass joke is all about the delivery. You gotta sell it hard but it's so worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cool_Hand Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 ^^^ There is a high percentage you are a TPWF. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Das Beard Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 ^^^ There is a high percentage you are a TPWF. Negative Ghostrider, I'm a fat alcoholic asshole that likes stupid shitty dumb jokes. I couldn't get one leg in some skinny jeans. Sorry for fucking up your percentages. I may or may not have googled TPWF. Hint: I did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fist 666 Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 what did the father buffalo say to his son when he left the pasture? bison. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amnesia Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 A family of tomatoes were hiking in the woods when the youngest one falls behind, the father goes back to him steps on his toes and says catchup.......badum tisss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fist 666 Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 what do you call a sleep walking nun? a roamin' catholic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shai Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pet Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I read the first post as one (1) joke. Ha ha ha ha ha ahow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mackfatsoe Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Yo whats up with some funny jokes? hahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicineCabinet Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Q- What's green and has wheels? A- Grass, I lied about the wheels. what did the father buffalo say to his son when he left the pasture? bison. What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG. laughed my ass off at these. love dumbass jokes & puns no disrespect to richard pryor... but comedians who get their material written for them.. whats the point Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SystemFailure Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 I got one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 THE JOKE OF THE CENTURY: Is behind your zipper Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pet Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 It would had been really really cool if the introduction would had been on the first and the punchline on the second page Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shai Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Three very old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, “What is three times three?” “Two hundred and seventy-four,” was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, “It's your turn. What is three times three?” “Tuesday,” replies the second old man. The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What's three times three?” “Nine,” says the third man. “That's great,” says the doctor. “How did you come up with that?” The third man says, “Simple: I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shai Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Have you seen Helen Keller's new dress? She hasn't, either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McLovin Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...." ... I thinks there's a joke thread somewhere around here. the inappropriate joke thread or something like that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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