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Illuminati

The joke thread

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Yo whats up with some funny jokes? I know everyone likes to laugh so post up whatever jokes you think are funny. Heres a few to get it rolling

 

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothes and asks, "is there someone on this plan who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

 

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples?” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

 

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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i think telling a good linear joke is a pretty dead art, but that baby/bus one brought on a few hearty mongoloid chuckles

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A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.

 

After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

 

The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

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Q. where does a general keep his armies?

 

 

 

 

 

A. in his sleevies.

 

 

 

laffy taffy motherfucker

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Q- Why do elephants have flat feet?

A- From jumping out of trees.

 

Q- Why do hippos have flat noses?

A- Because they aren't so good at jumping out of trees.

 

I like bullshit jokes. That grass joke is all about the delivery. You gotta sell it hard but it's so worth it.

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^^^ There is a high percentage you are a TPWF.

 

Negative Ghostrider,

I'm a fat alcoholic asshole that likes stupid shitty dumb jokes.

 

I couldn't get one leg in some skinny jeans.

Sorry for fucking up your percentages.

 

I may or may not have googled TPWF.

Hint: I did.

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A family of tomatoes were hiking in the woods when the youngest one falls behind, the father goes back to him steps on his toes and says catchup.......badum tisss

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Q- What's green and has wheels?

A- Grass, I lied about the wheels.

 

what did the father buffalo say to his son when he left the pasture?

 

 

 

 

 

bison.

 

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

 

DUNG.

laughed my ass off at these. love dumbass jokes & puns

 

no disrespect to richard pryor... but comedians who get their material written for them.. whats the point

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