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Bojangles

Which is worse? (Dysfunctional dad question.)

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My wife and I were just debating as to which of our scenarios were worse between the two of our fathers, and our relationships with them growing up.

 

A. My dad left when I was 5 and came back in 1-2 week bursts for the next few years, only to disappear off of the face of the Earth completely before I was 9. We ended up homeless and helpless. I found him again at the age of 30, only to find no emotional attachment and he soon died 2 years later.

 

B. My wife had a great relationship with her father up until the age of 28 when he got divorced and remarried a woman who is a total bitch and does not allow her in their home and subsequently she sees him twice a year at her son's birthday and Christmas (note: he lives 20 miles away)

 

My rebuttal was, at least you had financial support. My mother and I were left helpless and eventually homeless. I'll take the vacant love as long as some cash is there to help out.

 

Hers is that she had a dad, then he pretty much died (in her mind) as their relationship went to shit when he remarried and the father she once knew is non-existent anymore.

 

/buzzkill

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I'd say B, because she still has to currently live with the memories of what her dad once was, and she probably wishes her kid knew her dad (or how he used to be.) Also, she is still going through it. As opposed to your situation, it happened when you were a little kid, and while it sucks, it probably made you and your mom stronger.

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My wife and I were just debating as to which of our scenarios were worse between the two of our fathers, and our relationships with them growing up.

 

A. My dad left when I was 5 and came back in 1-2 week bursts for the next few years, only to disappear off of the face of the Earth completely before I was 9. We ended up homeless and helpless. I found him again at the age of 30, only to find no emotional attachment and he soon died 2 years later.

 

B. My wife had a great relationship with her father up until the age of 28 when he got divorced and remarried a woman who is a total bitch and does not allow her in their home and subsequently she sees him twice a year at her son's birthday and Christmas (note: he lives 20 miles away)

 

My rebuttal was, at least you had financial support. My mother and I were left helpless and eventually homeless. I'll take the vacant love as long as some cash is there to help out.

 

Hers is that she had a dad, then he pretty much died (in her mind) as their relationship went to shit when he remarried and the father she once knew is non-existent anymore.

 

/buzzkill

 

 

You definitely had it worse, but your wife is 100% in the right if she ever decides to take a 20 mile drive and beat the living shit out of her dads new piece of ass.

I don't give a fuck how good the pussy is, somebody should chin check her pops for acting like a pussy whipped little teenager.

 

^Does she have any brothers?

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Her: "I used to cry when I'd go to Home Depot and see a grandpa pushing his grandson around in a cart, knowing they were spending quality time together and bonding."

 

Me: "I used to cry when I'd see a sandwich and a warm house with people living comfortably in it."

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Does she have any brothers?

 

Nope. Just 2 other sisters and I'm still learning about the whole situation so it's all relatively new to me.

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i don't really see how she has a leg to stand on.

 

she had a good father figure for 28 years, her pops is a bitch

 

you never had one, your pops is dead

 

she's delusional man.

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Somebody once said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

But how the fuck would you know that if you've only experienced one or the other?

 

Wait... WTF am I rambling about?

 

Go tell your wife to beat her new step moms ass while you chin check her pussy whipped father and tell him to stop being a little bitch.

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Go tell your wife to beat her new step moms ass while you chin check her pussy whipped father and tell him to stop being a little bitch.

 

for real. how is a grown ass man gonna let his woman keep him from his family?

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A is much worse. When she loses her parent she will understand where

you are coming from. Ignorance is bliss, so just bring this conversation

back up at his funeral. Wouldn't that be a laugh.

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my dad calls me my moms name and plays D&D.

 

We all know that those games come with a required diet of Mountain Dew and Doritos.

 

Figures that expensive food obsession was a daddy issue.

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By nature of the number of sociology nerds obsessed with studying men who were raised without fathers, you win.

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wait, are you an only child?

 

Yes and no.

 

My mother had me when she was 42. She had 2 daughters from a previous marriage that were almost 20 years older than me.

 

By the time my life was in shambles, the daughters (My half sisters.) had turned their backs on my mom from their own downfalls and started their own families.

 

One half-sister tried to take me at one point, but bureaucratic bullshit got in the way and she eventually gave up.

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My dad and I have a weird off and on relationship. He split up with my mom when I was 4, then promptly disappeared till I was 11 around the time that my mom was diagnosed with cancer. The only reason he did this was because my grandparents guilt-tripped him into being there, which he did very reluctantly and at a distance (he was in SF, I was in LA).

 

When my mom died (July of 1985) I was supposed to go live with him. Two years went by with much foot dragging on his part, which were not a fun two years since I was stuck dealing with an abusive cokehead stepfather and his live-in bitch while grieving for my mom.

 

Finally my stepdad blew up one day, kicked my ass and dropped me off at my grandma's, where my dad had been living for nine months. Instead of apologizing and taking some responsibility for once, he accused me of deliberately setting my stepdad off and forcing him to do what he did. Now, I may not be perfect but one thing I am not is manipulative or calculating and I was even less so at 13. So that set the tone for the next four years till I moved out at 17.

 

I know that he's tried to be the best parent he could be since then and he's definitely been there for me at times, but over the past few years he's dropped the ball in some pretty significant ways. I've tried to resolve things on several occasions but he's not having it...he's made up his mind about the way things happened and that's that. So we live twenty minutes apart and only communicate via Facebook every few months...I haven't seen him since his 61st birthday in October of 2010. It sucks because he's my on;y surviving parent, and we're both well past the age where this kind of crap should even be an issue, but it is and it doesn't seem like he's willing to work with me to get past it. Oh well.

 

To answer your question- I've read your book and I can say with confidence that you got a seriously raw deal in the childhood department. In fact, you could say that I identified with a lot of it. She just sounds like she's not willing to confront her father and let him know what she needs and/or expects from him, and he sounds like a douchebag.

 

It's a shame when anyone has to deal with anything like this but there really shouldn't be a debate over who had it worse. That can only lead to friction between the two of you, so I'd say let it go...if she wants to play the victim, there's not much you can do about that.

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It's a shame when anyone has to deal with anything like this but there really shouldn't be a debate over who had it worse.

 

my first and only thought about this horse shit.

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wrote out some big reply about my dad, decided against it shit is too personal.

 

both your situations sucked but for different reasons, just be happy you are both happy now!

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Wasn't really a pissing contest. It just came up in conversation and I thought it would be interesting to get some outside perspective.

 

Believe me, neither of us like either side of it.

 

Thanks for the feedback so far.

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debating life situations on a level of comparison is such a bad idea. you both got dealt rough hands. your character grew because of it. you both know how you won't treat the people you care about. that is all you need to know.

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