Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...

Is there a doctor in the house?


what it iz
 Share

Recommended Posts

This forum is supported by the 12ozProphet Shop, so go buy a shirt and help support!
This forum is brought to you by the 12ozProphet Shop.
This forum is brought to you by the 12oz Shop.
  • Replies 541
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

So the story goes like this....

 

When I was born one of my nuts ended up in my lower stomach area due to an infant hernia, the docs cut me open then and put er back in the pouch.

 

Fast forward 26 years or so and I am at the Cabin in the Kootney region for a week with my girlfriends family and their friends. One of the things that they do on this lake is tie 3 single tubes behind the boat and then see how fucking high in the air they can flip/smash/fuck with the people on the tubes. . . the lake gets super chopped up (it's a small Z shaped lake that is fairly shallow and great for skiing/wakesurfing). Anyway I am on the tube and the driver is shitfaced and trying hard, lot's of gnarly landings and what have you. . .

 

That night I wake up from sleeping and I feel like someone has kicked me in the balls very fucking hard and I cannot figure out what the problem is. I think the worst right away and all the baddest shit is flying through my head, cancer, Crones, blah blah blah. . . then the pain resides and I go back to sleep.

 

My left ball starts to grow.... (it was always way bigger then the other and I had it checked out before and I didn't really worry too much about it) and it starts to get bigger, like holy fuck it's like a orange and a strawberry when you are looking at the two together. . .

 

This goes on for a year, I start to get really bad gas pains and cramping in my guts as well but I don't tie it in together really. It's one of those pains like if you don't eat for 24 hours or something and your body is driving a knife through itself telling you to eat.

 

None of this shit really affected my life that much, my one ball was bigger, which was cool I guess, I had random pain at night; which worried me but not to the point to get checked out. And the rest of the symptoms were infrequent at best.

 

This all came to an end while I was at work one day (thank christ), I was doing finishing carpentry in a high rise so most of my tools were in a large tool box on casters to go from floor to floor. see below:

 

B00002269B.01._SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg

 

 

The fucking thing was heavy when fully loaded, probably 400-500 lbs and I just had to lift the thing over some debris on the ground and move it to get it rolling. When I lifted the side my fucking intestines emptied into my sack, and I had a fucking horrible pain.

 

I go into a suit and survey the damage and basically my ball fucking grew some more, I could hardly stand/walk/think. I try to go walk it off around the floor because I am not a fucking pussy and years of sports will tell you to do the same. It did not work as I basically ripped a hand size hole in the muscle that keeps your balls and your gut's separated.

 

I head over to the first aid shack and have a chat with the first aid women (who is a smash, at least on a construction site) She tells me she has to see it to believe me that I indeed injured myself so she can write me up a claim. I tell her that in order for her to see my balls she would have to buy me dinner first so I just lift up my shirt and say it hurts everywhere. she releases me with a WCB claim meaning the injury happened at work and I will be paid for all time gone and for the doc visit.

 

I hobble to my truck and drive on home but I google hernia's and the operations as I drive and learn that the bad ones require surgery and time off and all that fun shit...

 

On to the hospital:

 

Once I am admitted the fun starts, I am asked to get into a gown and have a lay down, I am hobbling around like a champ, need help getting into bed and the works. Doc comes in and survey's the ball with a pretty hot nurse, he has the bright idea of pushing my guts back up through the hole in the muscle with two fingers. So he basically fisted my ball with my guts in it, pre-morphine to see if he could make my day that much better. He failed and I almost punched him in the throat. The nurse looked like she was going to cry, I was almost crying due to the worst pain my ball has ever been through.

 

So there I am layed out, balls out to the world, curtain open and people start to walk by, more doctors start having a peek and then the nurses. Some student docs start walking by and asking to see. I feel like a whore, still with no morphine. Another doctor comes by and try's to push my guts back through the hole and fails. This is when the hottie nurse taps the arm for a GucciCondom express, I get the morphine after she pokes around my limbs for a half an hour and then it's all good. Pain gone, morphine in and Im laughing.

 

I faint during my stand up xray the nurses caught me just before my head bounced off the floor. My emergency surgeron comes down and tells me he is operating tonight at around 11pm, he tells me I could possibly loose my lower intestine due to it being estrangulated by my ball. He also tells me my left nut is for sure on the chopping block as they dont know if it has been compromised. So this all mean's there could be more colateral damage but they do just not know at this point until they open me up.

 

My roomate and my girlfriend come by for a minute and give me a high five, I am all smiles due to my morphine cloud that I was surfing on.

 

I wake up in post op higher than a mother fucker, they do the routine and I go into post op care for a day and I am released. My dad of all things comes and picks me up, as I need 24 hour supervision to see if I need to go back.

 

The worst part now was the script they left me with, I had never even known there was T2's (Tylenol 2's) but that's all I got for the pain. As soon as I was at my dad's the morphine wore off and I was in mother fucking agony, I felt like someone bravehearted my guts with a sword and I couldn't stand, sit, walk, think. I couldn't believe the fuckers only let me leave with a T2.

 

My dad drives me up to the clinic and I tell the doc there that they fucked up and I need an actual pain killer...he prescribes me 52 oxy's for one week, and I had never taken Oxy's before. But now that I have, and quite a few I dont know how people could be addicted to them, but anyway. . .

 

I got 2 months off with pay, at the time that was 9k for sitting on the couch. I watched every movie and tv series I owned. I was on the nod for a week and didn't take a shit for a whole week.

 

I have a fishing net sewed in my gut to keep everything separated, it is sutured along my mid back and drapes under the gut's and is sutured along my stomach.

 

Super awesome. You are now informed.

 

Cheers.

 

 

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQnJe5vRDbSFAkxa-zYTxk0yGKxd6m4HTLEdO0z-LEyzHNnDCS3qw

 

 

i've had one of these, shit's a bitch

Link to comment
Share on other sites

did this get diagnosed or what, i skipped straight to last page.

 

not a doctor (yet), but my field wouldn't aid you much anyway.

 

large/small intestine might have something blocking the tract. possibly your spleen, although i hope not as removing the spleen leads to higher chances of infections and diseases. there isn't much else where you described.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

did this get diagnosed or what, i skipped straight to last page.

 

not a doctor (yet), but my field wouldn't aid you much anyway.

 

large/small intestine might have something blocking the tract. possibly your spleen, although i hope not as removing the spleen leads to higher chances of infections and diseases. there isn't much else where you described.

 

 

Went to the ER and they shot me up with morphine and told me I must have pulled a muscle after i told them I didn't have insurance.

I know WTF a pulled muscle feels like so I went to a clinic for a second opinion.

Doctor at the clinic thinks it might be Diverticulitis and prescribed some pills and gave me a phone number to get a $600 scan to be sure.

Pills started working pretty good so I flaked on the $600 scan.

American healrthcare system can eat a dick.

 

Then Level75paladin lurked this thread for hours (on his phone) trying to think of some witty shit to say, and failed.

Then after getting put in his place he tried and failed to say some more witty shit.

Then I put him on blast for having a screen name that references world of warcraft.

He was lurking on this thread when I did this.

Then it took him days to come back with a reply.

And his reply was a nonsensical photo of some little kids crying.

I don't understand nerd language, but I think that translates to him admitting failure.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Went to the ER and they shot me up with morphine and told me I must have pulled a muscle after i told them I didn't have insurance.

I know WTF a pulled muscle feels like so I went to a clinic for a second opinion.

Doctor at the clinic thinks it might be Diverticulitis and prescribed some pills and gave me a phone number to get a $600 scan to be sure.

Pills started working pretty good so I flaked on the $600 scan.

American healrthcare system can eat a dick.

 

Then Level75paladin lurked this thread for hours (on his phone) trying to think of some witty shit to say, and failed.

Then after getting put in his place he tried and failed to say some more witty shit.

Then I put him on blast for having a screen name that references world of warcraft.

He was lurking on this thread when I did this.

Then it took him days to come back with a reply.

And his reply was a nonsensical photo of some little kids crying.

I don't understand nerd language, but I think that translates to him admitting failure.

 

Lets conduct an experiment. Open your web browser. Open a thread in said browser. Minimize browser. Do whatever it is you do, shit behind dumpsters, beat your wife, do terrible graffiti, whatever. Then come back to your computer, open your browser, and oh my fucking god you're still in the thread you left hours ago. Fuckin magnets.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lets conduct an experiment. Open your web browser. Open a thread in said browser. Minimize browser. Do whatever it is you do, shit behind dumpsters, beat your wife, do terrible graffiti, whatever. Then come back to your computer, open your browser, and oh my fucking god you're still in the thread you left hours ago. Fuckin magnets.

 

 

 

Yeah, cause I'm sure you leave your "smart phone" logged onto one thread in 12oz for hours and days at a time.

Your phone bill must be as retarded as you. :lol:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...