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Leland Palmer

New York Prisoner blog

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Blog from an English writer who is currently in a remand prison in Ney York for unknown reasons (apparantly they get the internet in there).


He makes it an interesting read and some of it is pretty funny, mostly due to his 'killer and gorilla' bank robber cellmate Sha.



"The Beginning

It is a Thursday night, it's raining, and i get home from a sick night out with a hot tomato (who was not my wife)..

Unsuprisingly there is no food in my apartment, so my last meal consists of crackers, soup and a downloaded copy of Desperado.

6AM comes, and i am kindly woken by shotgun toting Secret Service against, who are screaming at me and are adamant that my name is Douglas Quade. I try to tell them they are mistaken, they have got the wrong house, and my name is Houser. They don't see the funny side. So i'm arrested.

After hours of pointless interogation at their porkys secret HQ, i am assigned a piece of shit attorney, who purposely fucks up any chance of me getting bail. Nice one.

Off to MCC New York, located in Manhatton, just by Church Street, not far from were i got married two months earlier! From my stay in New York City, i have lived in Coney Island, Queens, Brooklyn, now Manhatton. All that's left is the Bronx and Harlem, and i've done it all...


The first thing i am greeted with is a strip search, then given a Guantanamo Bay style orange jumpsuit. They give you orange when you first come in to shock you. I thought the colour was live, but whatever. As this is a pre-trial facility, it is rammo. So initially, you are put into the SHU, which means solitary confinement. Ironically, for existing inmates this is used as a form of punishment.

The two people who i am waiting to find who i will be sharing a cell with..One is most people's nightmare scenario, a 7ft tall jailbird who is looking at me like i'm a playboy bunny. The other is an extradited dude from Russia, who looks like coughing would crack his own ribs. Luckily, god threw me a bone!

Our cell is tiny, freezing cold, an the toilet is conveniently placed in a position so you have no other choice other than being confronted by your cellmate squeezing out a turd every time you need to go. I see mice and rats, but that doesn't bother me too much..it's only when one morning i am awoken to a russian accent screaming 'oh my gad!' , i see what looks like an extra from Joes Apartment. In my whole time in NYC, i'd never seen anything like it. It was like a Lion bar with legs and antenna.


After ten long days in the SHU, being locked up almost 24 hours a day, it's time to go to general population..

General Population..for an Englishman in New York, is pretty daunting to say the least. I am imagining the scene from Tango and Cash when they first go into General population 'HEY CASH I'M GONNA PUT BROWN SUGAR IN YO ASS'..

First, i am sent to 11North. The atmosphere isn't good, everyone is staunched the fuck out. The cell they put me in already has someone in, i don't see him at first so unload all of my shit and take a shower. About an hour last, my russian freind says 'have you seen your cellmate? He looks like maniac'..I look over, and see a 50-70 year old man with scars all over his face, and looks like he would have no problem chewing a baby to death. I feel like i have been instantly transported from MCC New York to Skidsville tennesse.

"Guvercin, pack your shit up, you're going to 9North"

thank FUCK for that..

9North is a very different unit. When i get there, i hear people laughing..and one dude dances across the floor to greet me to the unit. I am literally the only white person in the whole unit..Which isn't a problem for me, i was hoping..

After a few weeks of being called a Cracker and a piece of shit white devil, I am informed that i am no longer white, i am black, and that my name is now TimDog.

Life on the unit isn't too bad, you just have to make the most of your time and try and stay positive, and NOT stress about your case or anything else out of your control. You are free to leave your cell most of the day, and can use the phones and email at almost anytime to get through to your people..


And currently, for now, this is my home. The hardest thing for me is being alone. I hardly know anyone in this country, the few people i did know mostly turned out to be very bad people indeed, meaning no visits and no real contact.

But i can do this.

I have dealt with worse in my life, and come out stronger and wiser. And this is merely a learning experience, one that i started learning from, from day one.

I am in this jail because i consciously decided to live a life without excuses, boundaries and unlimited posibilities.

These fucking pigs will never experience a fraction of the things i have done, and will do with my life..and they will pay on their deathbeds for their corporate cocksucking existences."





'He says he thinks of me as his little brother, which i've heard him say to people...followed by

"If you fuck with him, im'a break you n****rs the fuck off"

Having the bank robbing equivalent of Tony Soprano for backup certainly has it's plusses...

I am having extreme financial difficulties at the moment, so much so, that i havn't been able to afford phone calls, toiletries or food this past week..Luckily for me, a day at the poker table, and a few incidents of 'shaking n****rs down', Sha hooked me up! Ain't brotherly love a motherfucker!

He is a mover and shaker (shanker) ...

When this FUCKING NIGHTMARE is over, he plans to visit me and my parents in Turkey..

An boy does he have plans instore...

"Timdog, i seen what your pops looks like, he KNOWS where the turkish hookers are at"

:s "err i'm not sure he does

"You shittin me?!?"

(Bare in mind this whole conversation is taking place in pitch black while he's naked sitting on the toilet taking a shit)

"Trust me Timdog, us Turkish n****rs gonna be straight Wilin!"

He then explains that he plans to give my father 500 dollars, to spend on as

much coccaine as possible..

"Im'a teach pops how to make crack coccaine son, no bullshit..send moms to

the store to get us some baking soda, cook that shit up on the stove..

dad's gonna be TWISTED yo!"

Despite my best efforts to explain that my rents life in a sleepy fishing town,

Sha is deadset on taking Kusa Dasi by storm...

"Son, im'a show all the hairy Turkish bitches that 'sambo n****rs' got the biggest dick"'



Anyway, free Timdog



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"I am in MCC New York, Manhattan Correction Center...It's not the worst jail in the world.

The way it is set up, it's more akin to a mental hospital. There are plenty of mental people in here too.

It is a Federal Correctional Facility. The Feds. A Federal crime..u get me.

There is another Federal Correctional Center in New York...Brooklyn. MBC. The fucking lions den. It is known for being extremely violent, off key, and generally if you're going there you better prepare to fight/stab/rob/kill/maim/extort/do whatever you have to do to survive. Seriously, the place is fucking notorious..

I wake up this morning, and am told by Sha that the CO (correctional Officer) has told me i have court today and need to get ready..which is strange as i know i don't have court for three months (FUCKING LONG, YOU FUCKING PRICKS) but whatever, i start getting dressed..Then the CO comes to the cell

"Guvercin, pack up"


"Pack up you're going to Brooklyn"

:O Welcome to DiariaShittypantsville Tennesse..

I ask him many times if he might be mistaken, he assures me he isn't and that i need to get all my 'posessions' together, pronto. FUCK. Sha comes back to the cell, and looks very very sad. He can't believe i am going, and helps me get my shit together..I have people from all over the unit coming over to the cell to talk to me..

"DAMN Timdog, that place is fucking ruthless"

"Shit man, the guys in there would cut your face up for jokes"

"Gangs in there will get points for cutting a dude like you"

"You're going to the bigtime kid, you better get your shank ready"

:O fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

So i pack up everything, say my goodbyes to all my freinds and pass out my email adress/contact details..i feel fucking sick, i know were i am going, and how fucking fucking fucking bad it is...

I get to the door, bag packed, all ready to go..there is about 50 dudes ready to see me off, all telling me i will be ok as long as i keep to myself, fight when i need to fight, stab when i need to stab etc..even the head of the Bloods is giving me advice

"Just go ruthless Timdog"

Sha comes and gives me a hug, and says a little speach about how much of a nice guy i am and how much everyone will miss me, then says

"On behalf of everyone here, i'd like to let you know..."

unfolds a piece of paper that just says 'PUNKD' on it

The WHOLE fucking unit erupts in laughter, people are rolling around on the floor crying, punching the walls, screaming, laughing at the top of their lungs....MOTHERFUCKERS!!! even the fucking PRISON OFFICER was in on the joke!! PRICKS!

Time to change my shitty pants.. "




""You ask him. If i ask him, and i know he's got it, im'a rob him"


After the prank that was pulled on my yesterday, Sha tells me about some other prankeries that he's pulled

over the years..

Google him. Eric Manson, bank robber. he is a notorious bank robber..

One day he was with his mother in town, asked her to park next to the bank while he cashes a cheque..

He genuinely goes into the bank to cash a cheque, then remembers he has a stocking mask in his pocket..

So he leaves the bank, puts the stocking mask on and runs into her car shouting "DRIVE MA DRIVE!"

She screams, starts speeding away, an after two blocks he starts laughing an lets her know hes only joking..

she pulls over the car, lights a cigarette an slaps him lol

When he was younger he would play the 'perfume game'. This would involve sticking a finger up his butt, going upto one of his siblings and saying "hey ma has this new perfume, wanna smell it?" then putting the finger in front of their nose til they scream/gag/puke..

Another memorable prank was his brother was sleeping face down, with no tshirt on..So Sha took a shit on his back while he was sleeping lol


Some quotes from stupid conversations...

We are having a discussion about aliens and extra terrerstrial intelligence...

"E.T is as real as a motherfucker, Predators, everything! Predators been blowin' up n****rs, real talk"

I tell Sha about how i don't like getting on boats, he shares the same feeling..

"a n****r shouldn't get on a boat, no way, that's the last place a n****r should be,

n****r, ain't you learnt your lesson?" "

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Really good read, NYC law enforcement is the biggest fucking joke ever, these idiots rarely follow the law unless it's a cop being charged, then it's innocent until proven guilty.

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Swain snores. FUCKING LOUDLY. An that's just normally, sober. After taking his medication, he is completely sparked out and ten times worse.

If that wasn't bad enough, Swizzy doesn't eat meat. He mostly consumes many many boiled eggs, cheese and cabbage.

The most DISGUSTING farts i have ever smelt in my entire life, bar none. NOTHING compares to this smell. It smells like someone shat in his ass, then he farted it out. One after the other, non stop, completely hotboxing out the whole cell, turning the room into some kind of morbid fart pallace.

Its so bad, i don't know whether he's farting or snoring. The only way for me to breath is to be in the fetal position, under the cover, with my face pressed against the wall, holding my nose, in an attempt to trick myself into thinking that there is air in the room, instead of the reality that i'm just breathing in pure shit vapour.

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There's no way I believe this is real. The federal government isn't going to let a pre-trial inmate have access to the internet to "blog" about his experiences. Nice try though.


edit: definitely fake, no way this guy is on a computer at 3:08 a.m.

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So..apologies made, we bury the hatchet over some tea and a bean pie. How civilised! But i am extremely grateful to Shy for the tips and advice he has given me, as they help me to start thinking more intellectually, instead of emotionally. In the coming weeks i start to change from the unfit, quiet, depressed, shaggy haired 'cracker'...so the confident, six pack sportingm gangster limping Timdog/Timmy Magic/T-dizzle/T-dizzly/Dat N****r T-murder/T-money/Afrika Timbata and so on..




Afrika Timbata!

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This is cool, but I doubt this is real.


I can obviously see someone arrested and MAYBE hauled to bookings/interrogated as a case of mistaken identity, depending on what they're hemmed up for, but held for weeks all while blogging? A blog with Youtube videos? Nope.


Every time a cop has accused me or a friend of being someone else, it hasn't even gone beyond getting cuffed, aside from one incident where they profiled hardbody on one of my black friends and beat the shit out of him first. Cool story br0.

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There's no way I believe this is real. The federal government isn't going to let a pre-trial inmate have access to the internet to "blog" about his experiences. Nice try though.



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The class is made up of me, Fred, and a Russian dude that is 21 but looks 54 who's name i can't pronounce..who made the class pure jokeries. Terrel takes fashion seriously. Too seriously. To the point that if he thinks you are right, and he might be wrong, he gets seriously wound up..And Russia did this for the whole class...

One of the questions was

5.Where should the tip of your tie fall?

Answer=just above your belt.

Russia "In my country, the size of your tie says the size of your...your...your fuck"

Everyone at first looked very confused...then burst out laughing

"Do you mean the size of your dick?"

"yes yes, but no, i like girls"

Errr next question..

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This is cool, but I doubt this is real.


I can obviously see someone arrested and MAYBE hauled to bookings/interrogated as a case of mistaken identity, depending on what they're hemmed up for, but held for weeks all while blogging? A blog with Youtube videos? Nope.


Every time a cop has accused me or a friend of being someone else, it hasn't even gone beyond getting cuffed, aside from one incident where they profiled hardbody on one of my black friends and beat the shit out of him first. Cool story br0.


i thought that part was made up on purpose because the author didn't want to share what he really did.

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fake or not i kinda like this, even though its kinda corny.



I'm trying to be strong, i've tried to look at things in a positive light,

but my circumstances and life seem to be pushing me to walk the plank and

jump ship more and more with every passing moment in this concrete tomb.

I can't even look outside anymore, the streets are carpetting with snow, everything

looks beautiful, and it just reminds me why i had dreamed of coming to this city

since i was a teenager..I'd LITERALLY cut my arm off right now for a taste of freedom.

No bullshit.


I came to New York with good intentions.

All i was after was a fresh start, new adventures, and someone special to share my journey with.

In the eighteen months i spent in this city before my incarceration, i did a lot...


...i explored the city, met new 'family' members, kicked a drug habit, living in Coney Island, Bombed, mingled, partied, got kicked out of my cousins house for standing upto him when he was abusive to his wife, moved into an ant infested apartment in Queens, Drank in MANY bars, became a busboy, painted throwups on rooftops plastered, slept in many beds, became an office messenger, worked next to the empire state building, dated best freinds, did too many shots of tequila to count, racked unholy amounts of paint, hooked up with writers from New York, Seattle and Norway, drank 40 ounces of malt liquor, painted many shutters, ate Joeys pizza, explored Maspeth, got the subway every morning to work, racked ladders from work to paint 15ft block letters in Brooklyn, met a lot of white suburban 'alternative' squares, gave people something to talk about, was fresh as a motherfucker, went through untold bottles of ink and bingo markers, became an audio tech, worked for GQ, Vanity Fair and Teen Vogue, got hench, racked a LOT of champagne, made mistakes, learnt how to cook pasta, sketched my turkish balls off, finally got some hand styles, was constantly hit on by my married gay jewish boss, finally started flossing the dome, met some very ignorant racist americans, watched my landlord go insane, moved into my own apartment that i loved, almost broke my back delivering 200 bottles of champagne, got a xmas bonus, brought some sophistication to an Irish Xmas, froze my nuts off painting pieces in sub zero temperatures, starting drinking Gin, introduced Grime to the NYC mandem, started smoking again, got tattood, worked a LOT of overtime, took UNTOLD photos, made the biggest mistake of my life=losing focus, ordered too much takeaway food, fell in love with Bushwhick, went to warehouse parties, crashed rooftop parties on my Jaes, broke every bed i've had, explored Williamsburg, got healthy, got jogging, got tattood, got clean shaven for the first time in YEARS, got married, bunked hundreds of trains, blagged the cops, got shot by my brother Timo Stammberger, kicked EVERYONES ass at Street fighter 2 turbo, downloaded thousands of movies, got betrayed, caught too much jokeries..

..and that's just the tip of the iceberg..But all in all, it was not enough. I did not do enough with my time, there was so many opportunities i turned down, mistakes i made, and things i could've, should've done, that i didn't..and now my adventure in life seems to be drawing to a close, i have many regrets. The biggest = losing focus of who i am, what makes me happy, and the type of people i should surround myself with.

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Still don't think it's real, but if it is, it's kinda cool.


Only thing I could do without is this British faggot's commentary on how much smarter he is than the Americans he's so scared of haha

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" There is no porn in federal jail, only 'hip hop model' magazines, which are full of

crude photos of women with biblically large asses.

It's certainly no secret when someone is jerking off..You will see someone walk in their

cell holding a copy of 'smooth' or 'jizz', they cover the window of their cell for a few minutes,

then return red face and sometimes even wiping the magazine off. Nice.

Today, Swizzy has been kind enough to lend me a copy of 'dimepiece' magazine.

As he hands it to me, Big Mick strolls past the door..

"DAMN, Timdogs got himself a date"

Laughter erupts.

"They ain't got big chocolate asses like that in London, don't hurt yourself kid" "

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I didn't smoke cigarettes before coming into jail.

It's the only thing at the moment that relaxes me and calmes my nerves..

A nice 'germ' and a cup of tea, lovely jubbly :)


"If all goes to plan Timdog, we'll have some crack in these soon"




"For real?"

"If i have anything to do with it kid"



Well i guess that's SOMETHING to look forward to, right?

If there was ever a time to smoke Crack Coccaine...you do the math..what

the FUCK do i really have to lose? REALLY?!






'Shit' comes into the jail a few different ways.

Whether it's through 'elevators', crude pulley systems lining the air vent shafts,

or though visits.


..And that is done one of two ways..

The first is 'balloons', that are swallowed, then barfed up after the visit..


The second, much more glamorous way, is 'boofing' it.

What is boofing, i bet you're wondering..



Why, sticking it up your ass of course!


"Boofing..hmm..i ain't no fan of that shit"" Sha explains

"N****rs be treating their assholes like a gymbag"

Given the choice, most people opt for the balloon technique.

..Apart from 'some freak n****rs'

"Timdog, no bullshit, i know n****rs who be boofing onions (ounces)"


As you can imagine, it's a mneas to an end, not exactly frowned upon,

but not an enjoyable prospect..for most..but everyone has their price..

"I ain't down for that..but if a n****r got the motherload? That shit's comin back"


dudes blowin up the spot

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