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other terrible adults....


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Probably 5 people the day it ran came up to me at work saying "check this shit out dude." Not knowing that I wrote it , until I told them ...I knew I'd make the paper someday...

 

You have 5 people in your job reading Dear Abby?

 

the fuck?

 

 

i'm calling bullshit. or calling you a faggot. either way, good troll. anything that long and mediocre to write has to be true.

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I was christmas shopping this weekend and was getting super pissed off.........so while asking a lady for help for some necklace shit I lost it.

 

 

After not understanding I need the chain to be 24in, I changed my game up.

 

 

I told her that it needed to be the width of my finger to support my mothers medallion, she got snotty and and wanted to know what kind of medallion it was.....when i told her it was a hand holding a mic she'd won in a rap battle, the teenaged girl working with her burst out laughing and I was asked to leave.

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OK SOOOOOOO TODAY

 

I was fending a coffee and went to Time Hortons, our version of Dunken, and the chick at the drive through was a raging CUNT!!!

 

So the night before I had eaten a huge bag of popcorn and was gassy as fuck.

 

 

I timed my fart just right that as I rolled down my window to hand her my money I actually waved my freshly expelled gas at the Cunt serving my coffees face.........the look on her face was priceless, it was as if her shitty day caught her half standing!

 

 

I laughed so hard that i couldn't drive and had to sit in the parking lot until i was done.

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whenever i'm a passenger in a car i'll say "oh ya fucker! look at that!" all excited and point whenever i see a dog taking a shit...

 

i usually get a sigh and a look of utter disappointment from them...

I usually crack up when I see that

 

especially if the dog is slowly inching forward in his poo crouch stance, leaving a hansel and gretel style poo trail

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Hah!

 

i posted a story in here a while back where i thought i was trowing something at my mate's mum's car, but ended up ruining some poor Chinese mans day on his way to an important business meeting, i seen said mate oot last friday for the first time in years, and he was all like "ahright Rolf? what're you doing with yourself these days? still throwing fruit at cars..?"

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had a telemarketer call the house the other day.

we still get this shit all the time at dinner but i wasnt about to just hang up on this one.

she asked for my old man, and i replied that i was him. my dads a drinker so my conversation went like this:

 

"yeh this shis himm ... whaddya want."

 

"are you alright to speak to me on the phone, mr. ____?"

 

"jussfine what. can. i doferya."

 

"well, i was calling to update our records since the last time we talked. you see ---"

 

"I CANT EVEN TASE THIS SHICKEN. I AM TOO DRUNK TO TASE THIS SHICKEN." *slam table 3 times*

 

"Mr. _________ is there a better time to reach you?"

 

"SHUT UP BITCH!" *slam table again* "Nooo lissen, I'll callyuu back. Doncallme. I will. Call you."

 

 

Bet she had fun coding that one.

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I'm the worst person to call as I have worked on the phones for many years myself (never outbound calls, fuck that).

 

The number of times I have reduced people to tears or questioned them into a hole they can't get themselves out of. I do it to customers all the time at work, asking them questions that are leading them to the realisation they are fucking morons.

 

Also I used to have nextdoor neighbours that I fucking hated and one night after they had pissed me off all day I went out and keyed CUNT in huge letters on their bonnet, everyone knew it was me but I just kept denying it, I managed to blame it on some dick who lives up the road.

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When I used to work at a grocery store I would put dropped fruit back on the shelves after them rolling all over the grimy floor in the back room. Anything from apples and heads of lettuce, to entire cases of berries and whatnot. There's a reason why you should wash your produce. I would also only shit in the 1-person customer washroom and take my sweet ass time in there. Nothing like the feeling of making some asshole customer wait while you pinch the most lethal loaf or beer shit, leave it without flushing and then walk out and make eye contact in your unwashed uniform. Seriously, working in a grocery store will really test your sanity. I've never been treated so horribly unwarranted by random people while helping them with their shit.

After I graduated, me and my boys would crash high school parties when we were bored and offer kids ruthlessly giant poppers (bong toke with weed and a piece of cigarette). We'd just laugh our asses off as some preppy faggot coughs his balls off and almost pukes/passes out in front of all his friends and girls he was trying to mack on.

There was this annoying motherfucker who used to always tag along/ find a way to get into parties me and the homies went to, but no one really liked the guy. Anyway for his birthday we rolled him a spliff with a 4:1 pube to weed ratio. Buddy knew something was up cause none of us would hit it, but the poor fuck smoked that pube doob down to the filter. We just kept saying naw man its your birthday joint whenever he would offer. He found out the next day and needless to say we didn't see much of him after that.

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one of out neighbors is being a douche about us using his trashcan

instead of talking with me about it like a man he keeps putting notes on the lid (ill try to post a pic later)

i keep using it anyway and throwing the notes in on top of my trash so he can see it crumpled up

 

suck it Trebek.

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