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Unwanted Houseguests & Worthless People

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Right about now, the nuisance that has plagued me for the last 7 days is on a plane back to Dearborn, MI... where it belongs.


I have had a lot of people crash at my apartments over the years.

A roommate of mine in Chicago used to let every homeless aspiring MC crash on our couches.

At times I did not mind, but most were just bums/leaches and made my living room smell like giraffe.

Some broke shit, some stole shit. Regardless I thought that chapter of my life was over.


Enter the cousin-in law (who my wife barely knows!)

Woman, 42 years old, no looks, no style, no education, no job(just got layed off), no personality, no IQ, no kids, no husband, no boyfriend, ... nothing but 2 cats to go home to.


She wants to move to AZ to get out of Dreary Detoilet.

She has no internet at home, NO E-MAIL ADDRESS, and no credit.


She is dumb as a rock and has no hope of ever getting another job over $7 an hour.

Talking to her is like Jeopardy. You say something, then she asks the question you just answered.


"The dog was brown."

- Was the dog brown?

(Roll eyes in disgust and choke down the rage)


She spent the entire week on our couch watching TV till odd hours of the night, mostly infomercials. She would just leave the channel on whatever I did at like 6pm... all night.


No please, I have a pregnant wife and a 2yr old son, go ahead, take over my house for the week. I'll stock the fridge so you have plenty to eat.


Sure my wife & I just came back from a long day at work, no need for us to relax, go ahead and lay across the whole couch, it's perfectly acceptable.


I was working from home Tuesday and got fed up. I forced her onto my laptop and made her rent a car just to get her out of the house.

Enterprise bitch, they'll pick you up.


She rents the car, just to park it outside my house since then, broad goes nowhere.


Who the fuck goes on vacation to look for a place to move to, then sits on a strangers couch watching TV all week?!?!?

Find an apartment, look at neighborhoods, and um.... I dunno, find a fucking job!


I'm scared she is gonna pack up her shit and ring my doorbell in a month asking to stay till she gets settled, which will be never.




& Fuck Houseguests!

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I was the first person out of my friends to move out (pretty much the second I turned 18), and so I've always had random people crashing in my apartments. Some of it was cool/fun/whatever, like when Manute lived on a cot for what seemed like forever, or when the girl I was fucking started staying over every night and eventually became my girlfriend/moved in.


Other times not so much, like when a crewmate from Boston got kicked out of his girl's crib and came to stay with us. It was supposed to be for a few days only, which was fine, but because we had a whole spare bedroom he started getting wayyyy too comfortable, to the point where I'd come home and find him alone in the crib with 4 of his scumbag homies who I didn't know/trust at all and have to kick them out. Or his girl (the whole reason he was there in the first place) would come down to visit him and he wouldn't leave with her even though she wanted him to. Finally, after like a month, I said he had to fucking go, and I looked like a dick I guess, but I was happy again

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Froth up your kid's mouth with toothpaste and draw on a raccoon mask. Have the guy charge in growling and bite her, little kids love being allowed to act up.


Anyway, have him bite her, if she's really that dumb you can convince her she has rabies and maybe she'll kick rocks.

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^ thats a horrible idea.. shell want you to pay for her to go to the doctor...


Do you think I really give a fuck if she leaves or not?


(Guess she already left anyway though)

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brah.... detroit and dearborn are like night and day. Next time you visit her fam i suggest

you kick around near Schaefer W. Warren for a bit... get a smoothie, smoke some flavored

tobacco and grab a schwarma then head Eastbound on Warren and right about when you

hit Wyoming see for yourself. Yea being from Dearborn its a safe bet that your wife is middle

eastern and in case you didn't kno they take family pretty seriously. Good luck with that cousin.

I rather be in detroit than arizona any day

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Dearborn (Heights) is one of the most depressing places in America - That is where all her family lives.

White trash, coney islands every 50 feet, and Canadian beer.

Shitty homes worth $20k.

People wearing camouflage to run errands.

Mad despair.

Shit looks like the south side of Chicago in the 1960's.


She grew up before the Iraqis took over, graduated with honors (double major) from University of Michigan, then left that shithole for good.

We go back yearly for a UM football game, and to see her friends in Bloomfield & AnnArbor.

But I don't know if I can stomach DH ever again.

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I can't even conceptualize being a freeloader. Even if i needed to crash for a week while job hunting I would offer to pay some money or at the very least run errands/do odd jobs -- even with extended family. I've had way to many people take advantage of my kindness to do the same to others.

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i have no problem throwing a shitty guest out of my house

luckily i haven't ever really had to do it.

i have told a few people to wash their clothes and take a shower because they were making the house stink.


nah, my houseguests, all those dirty graf writers, citizens and foreign, have been fine. so far no one stole anything.

it's roommates that are awful to me.


all that said, what a terrible person

pretty obvious why her life is SO awesome

i remember when i didn't have a car, and i';d get a rental and drive it like, the entire 24 hours.

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I have a rule that I apply for most people (unless you are visiting on vacation for a predetermined ammount of time, which would never be more than 5 days)


You can stay every OTHER day/ if you are in a hard spot, you can crash on my couch, or in my sons bedroom (not in his little bed asshole, on the futon we change his diapers on) if I don't have him. Thats the best I can do... every other night. Not 2 nights in a row. Not a weekend. Every other night... you have to wipe your own ass at least half the time no matter what your situation is.


I havn't lived with a roomate I didnt fuck (no homo/s) for about 8 years now, and living with girls you date is horrible too. Although you did your part, under no circumstances let her crash on your couch like that again. I knew this one girl who pulled scams and forced her way into homes like this

"hey I just need to crash on your couch for a week, not even that, just 4 or 5 days, Ill give you 50$, you can put it towards the electric bill or something"


dude accepts not knowing he legally just accepted rent and has a verbal contract with a sublet tenant. after about a week dude was like "hey, its been over a week, you need to go"


she would refuse to leave. she waited for everyone to leave and moved his shit in the living room and tried to take over his room. he called the landlord, who informed him of his horrible legal pitfall, and the landlord had to set through formal eviction proceedings , which take well over a month from filing to eviction... so they had to deal with this psycho bitch basically barricading herself in their bedrooms nd could do nothing about it. even if you take 5$ from a friend to crash for 1 night, if theres no written agreement, its disputable if you admit to taking the money and they are a legally protected tennant/.

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I think I need to stop coming to channel zero for a while, I misread this - (Roll eyes in disgust and choke down the rage)


as this


(Roll eyes in disgust and CHOKE RAPE) :o :o :o

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You left out a crucial part of the story..


what did wifey think and what was her reaction to it?


Oh she hates her family and wanted the girl gone too.

She's all moody and pregnant and doesn't need this shit.


She did it out of obligation to the rest of her family, she barely knows this woman.


I left work today at lunch, bought some nice beer, and now I'm going thru my DVR watching all the shows she made me miss.



***I have a 4000 sq foot house. She had her own room and a large loft area w/ TV, everything. She chose to invade my space instead: The living room, which has the DVR.


She also always left the door open when she used the bathroom and never once closed her bedroom door... that was the weirdest part. Who sleeps in a guest room with their door open?


Just strange shit all around, too much to list. Wifey owes me one.

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