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Guest NATO

"Check dis shit"

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Guest NATO

As a follow up to the "rate my poo" thread i dug this out of the archives, i have suffered with many of these. Feel free to add your own

 

The Perfect Dump.

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but

a real

thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a

smooth

sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless

grace of an

Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was

totally

unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you

are in

perfect harmony with it.

 

The Beer Dump.

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many

beers -

doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy noisy

dump

accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for

days.

Naked flames are ill advised.....

 

The Chilli Dump (a.k.a. the Japanese Flag).

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the bowl

look

like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day stinging your

ring and

generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield.

Also

makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

 

The Empty Roll Dump.

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty

cardboard

cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the

curtains but

then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug?

Nah, too bulky and

cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty

roll dumper "

must face.....pull up your kecks tighten your cheeks and shuffle yourself

to the

nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one

of your

socks!

 

The Splash Back Dump.

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that

washes your

sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and

embarrassed if

the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot

instead of

wiping.

 

The Childbirth Dump.

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for

this

purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then

gets no

better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones

again.

You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to

hatch monster

loaf!" There are only three things you can do:

1. Scream

2. Call an Obstetrician

3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

 

The Machine Gun Dump.

Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when

suddenly

you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity like

machine gun

fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran,

cradling

his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

 

The Sound Effect Dump.

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are

within

earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting

sounds

you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of

release,

try the following:

1. Flush the toilet

2. Drop loose change on the floor,

3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.

 

The Cling-On Dump.

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip

the seat

with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little ba****rd

just hangs

there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water

below. If

only you had some scissors....

 

The Whole Roll Dump.

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll

and have

to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste.

 

The Encore Dump.

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to

leave the

auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return

for a

curtain call. The world record is seven encores......

 

The Houdini Dump.

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the

pipe or

did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can

guarantee that

if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in

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hahahahaahaha...this my friends is someone who truely spends to much time thinking about what dump thier taking...hahahah but it was good shit though...(no pun intended)...:D

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You forgot the

 

"I hope to fuck the bathroom is empty dump"

 

YOu know the American Pie dump.

Man that shit happened to me once....IN THE FUCKING CHEERLEADERS BATHROOM>>>MY FRESHMAN YEAR

 

fuck my highschool career, reputation?PSHHAAA! What's that?

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you forgot the carpet bomb dump.....when you go to shit and instead of coming out in one big thing...it comes out in abuot 50 little marble sized shits...making hella noises and splashes

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Guest NATO

phht, it was fowarded to me as an email, im not the obsessive i made out to be i just thought it was kinda funny. um well youy know..

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