Guest NATO Posted January 8, 2002 Share Posted January 8, 2002 As a follow up to the "rate my poo" thread i dug this out of the archives, i have suffered with many of these. Feel free to add your own The Perfect Dump. Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it. The Beer Dump. Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised..... The Chilli Dump (a.k.a. the Japanese Flag). Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the bowl look like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day stinging your ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag". The Empty Roll Dump. Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up your kecks tighten your cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks! The Splash Back Dump. This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping. The Childbirth Dump. This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it. The Machine Gun Dump. Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies. The Sound Effect Dump. You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera. The Cling-On Dump. You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little ba****rd just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.... The Whole Roll Dump. No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. The Encore Dump. Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores...... The Houdini Dump. You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~i~hear~voices~ Posted January 8, 2002 Share Posted January 8, 2002 hahahahaahaha...this my friends is someone who truely spends to much time thinking about what dump thier taking...hahahah but it was good shit though...(no pun intended)...:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Dazzle Posted January 8, 2002 Share Posted January 8, 2002 yeah, dude, you're way too fixated on poo:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VANDALISTIKO Posted January 9, 2002 Share Posted January 9, 2002 my stomach is hurting, i hate you you bastard for making my stomach hurt, i will kill you man Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AskNags Posted January 9, 2002 Share Posted January 9, 2002 You forgot the "I hope to fuck the bathroom is empty dump" YOu know the American Pie dump. Man that shit happened to me once....IN THE FUCKING CHEERLEADERS BATHROOM>>>MY FRESHMAN YEAR fuck my highschool career, reputation?PSHHAAA! What's that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
REGULATOR Posted January 9, 2002 Share Posted January 9, 2002 you forgot the carpet bomb dump.....when you go to shit and instead of coming out in one big thing...it comes out in abuot 50 little marble sized shits...making hella noises and splashes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lil'moco Posted January 9, 2002 Share Posted January 9, 2002 I feel bad for you dude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest NATO Posted January 9, 2002 Share Posted January 9, 2002 phht, it was fowarded to me as an email, im not the obsessive i made out to be i just thought it was kinda funny. um well youy know.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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