Aikr Posted April 4, 2010 Share Posted April 4, 2010 That tard blog shit is fucking gold. #19: Joe's Pencil: Needless to say, that tard room I work in doesn't have a pencil sharpener. I have one that suction cups to my desk that I keep in a locked drawer. Whenever I need to sharpen a pencil, I take it out, clamp it down, and sharpen away. Today I got the sharpener out for Antonio's pencil. I figured while I have it out I might as well ask if any of the other tards need their pencils sharpened. I make this announcement, and Joe immediately wedges his head under his desk and starts crying. This doesn't surprise me. Joe usually acts this way whenever he has done something wrong. I walk over to him and ask him what the problem is. "Nothin'" he replies. I go back to my desk to begin sharpening tard pencils. Most of the tards come up, including Joe. One by one they hand me their pencils and I sharpen them. Joe steps up and hands me a magic marker. I manage to explain to Joe that it isn't a pencil, and you don't need to sharpen it. Joe insists that it is a pencil and that I have to sharpen it. I'm about to explain for a second time, when Joe grabs the marker and shoves it in the pencil sharpener. He starts cranking the poor thing like crazy and the marker begins bleeding all over the desk. By the time I pulled Joe away from the sharpener he had mauled the marker down to a one inch stub. I made Joe sit down and write an apology, with a pencil that I provided. In his apology Joe wrote about how he had lost his pencil and he thought I would be angry, so he brought up a marker. He wrote that he thought he could trick me, and he is sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the graff giraffe Posted April 4, 2010 Share Posted April 4, 2010 haha the sprint one was funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pissdrunkwhat?! Posted April 4, 2010 Share Posted April 4, 2010 hahaha special peoples honesty is hilarious Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
En Sabah Nur Posted April 9, 2010 Author Share Posted April 9, 2010 my facebook lately... three of them are from today... just had a kid cheekily trying to take a can of shaving cream off the desk & put it in his pocket, for god knows what reason. "you didn't see that." "i did so. what do you even want it for?" "i could sell it." "dude, no one's gonna buy used shaving cream." "yeah they would. my mom would." kid trying to make up his own state joke: "mr. ahloe, why was the toilet crying?" "why?" "it was in missouri." (misery) "...why a toilet?" "oh... i don't know." "what you guys call emo is just bad pop punk." "emo is like, killing yourself." "no it's not, that's being suicidal. it's just a type of music." "that's not what the president said." "the president?" "yeah, that's what he told me." "he told you. personally." "yeah, he told me in my dream." "you know all that laundry soap i ate last night? it changed my life. i'm clean with the world now. i'm one with the world now." that last one has to be today's gem, by far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chopsticks Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 Haha that last one is great, they all are infact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
En Sabah Nur Posted May 21, 2010 Author Share Posted May 21, 2010 more from my facebook... and i'm realizing most of these are either from the really crazy, psychotic, out-of-touch-with-reality kid, or the really low functioning mexican kid. "I just became the governor of Russia. No, I'm just kidding, I'm too smart. You know how Russia has all that, like, deeper technology? Somebody says they're too smart, they can't be. You know they're lying, nobody's smarter than Russia with all that deeper technology." kid commenting on a commercial: "Enjoy life? Is dat true?" "I was like 14 so I didn't know about like, animals. I didn't know about animals and life." "i quiver at the sound of raspberries and oranges." kid trying to get call his mother and getting no answer..."it just enjoys pissing me off." "the phone?" "yeah" "i don't think it's capable of enjoying." "it's after my lucky charms, sir." "If I had to choose my two favorites it'd be Beaker... Dr. Teeth and Animal." "...Those two, huh?" "Ok, that's more. That's three. Beaker, Dr. Teeth, Swedish Chef, and Animal. And.." "So... all of them." "Yeah, all half of them." "Secret asian people should get millions of bucks." kid... rambling incoherently: "Flying Dutchman. Flying Dutch Oven." me: "That's disgusting." kid: "Anti-Racial Oven. Anti... Anti-Racial Oven." me: "You mean like at Auschwitz?" "What if it's Adam and Eve was no Adam and Eve? Maybe we're all fags and we don't know it." retarded mexican kid talking to me: "[me], you know my sister?" me: "No." kid: "Yeah you did, you did sex with her last night." p.s. we found out he doesn't have a sister, he just has this weird sexual fantasy about having a hot older sister. Kid's letter to staff: "I've found there's more to life worth living for than death." kids arguing about something... broken english... "so? least i got.. pretty eyes. not from you... from da girls." after this mexican kid asked me what i'm doing for cinco de mayo... "You know what Cinco de Mayo is about?" "Booty." "Can I work here... if I'm... Mexican?" "It's the ooooldest book in the trick." "tornados would solve my depression. me, tornados make me happier. because i think of all the people getting sucked up into it and that makes me happier." "I'm finna do da runnin man all da way to da classroom." "so is it supposed to be like cold in heaven? i guess it probly is cuz you half naked n shit." "He was stoned to the cross." the retarded mexican kid also has started announcing "it's _________ time." spontaneously throughout the day. it started with him saying his own name, then other people's names, then whatever was around him, like what people were doing or what was on tv. keeping in mind that i work on the sex offender dorm, these are my favorites: "It's shut up time" "It's mustache time" "It's shooting victim time" "It's missing girl time" 2hrs into my shift, again, the mexican kid... "mr. [me]... you at work now?" Kid just yelled "JOHN TRAVOLTA." Without context. a kid just told staff to "go sleepy... in the restroom." hahaha... we had a kid walk himself up the bleachers in the gym, then have a panic attack at the top because of the height. kid: "What is G-O-A-D?" me: "Goad?" kid: "Is that like goed? Like... went?" Me: "You can't just break people's stuff every time they make you mad!" Kid: "I seen people do it. It was on TV." At the school, the kids have assignments posted on the wall. One is a sort of plot outline about Harriet Tubman, and more than one of them have "Barbarians" listed under the "Antagonists" header... did I miss something in history class? Now, I can't shake the image of an epic broadsword battle, Harriet Tubman v. Cona...n the Barbarian, TO THE DEATH!! Kid 1: "Do you know any Fat Tone?" Kid 2: "No, I only know Ozzy and Dead Kennedys." YES!! I take full responsibility for the non-Ozzy half of that! Maybe we can save some of them. He then proceeded to jumble the lyrics of Ozzy's Crazy Train and DK's In-Sight with each other. "You like fruit cup?" "Wait! Caffeine free?! I can't have caffeine!" kid: "Let's play World War I" me: "I don't like that game, it always ends in depression." my lame history jokes are wasted on these kids. these kids are rubbing frisbees on their dicks and trying to touch each other with them. if there was ANY POSSIBLE WAY i could have predicted that exchange i'd have stopped it so far ahead of time. Kid 1: "What's it called?" Kid 2: "I dunno, I'm just reading it... Pendragon Vol. 1: The Merchant of Death" Kid 1: "Pimp Dragon? Wow." also, for non-comedy: yesterday's glamour has rotted. today's work experience consists of searching a kids room for dork items i think he stole from me worth at least $50, but instead finding a trashbag containing a considerable amount of unidentified brown liquid, and what appears to be little girls' swimsuit bottoms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
En Sabah Nur Posted May 21, 2010 Author Share Posted May 21, 2010 also, the really crazy kid writes short stories under the alias "Bones" that are always horror stories involving celebrities and the staff that works there. staff name removed, btw. here's one of them, apparently unfinished: The Fat Men United Trilogy by "Bones" Once there was a bunch of chub-chubs. They were a happy bunch of furballs. But then came a day when the world was taken over by the worst baseball player ever: Pete Rose. Also known as Rosey. But he had a bunch more thugs such as Chuck Norris, Rosey O'Donnel, and Adam Sandler. They started crushing the world to bits. But when all hope was lost Jack Nicholson came to save the day. "If you don't get this straight. I will strangle you with my... bare hands." Then Chuck Norris used a pair of scissors and cut his hair. "Oh no, my hair. My old man hair" Mr. [staff] was working on his new fridge. "Wrench... screws... Jimmy Johns?.. Jimmy Johns!!!" "Were out. [staff] just stood on his knees and wailed" "Nooooooooo!!!" Then the manager of this really stupid story came in front of the news reporters and told them why [staff] was crying. "Welll for all I know the fat guy got pissy because he couldn't eat his cocoa puffs." Back at the scene Pete Rose was laying eggs. Jack Nicholson retired from (sic) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LUGR Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 "the worst baseball player ever: Pete Rose." :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lewis and Clark Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 p.s. we found out he doesn't have a sister, he just has this weird sexual fantasy about having a hot older sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
En Sabah Nur Posted May 22, 2010 Author Share Posted May 22, 2010 "Hold on... water can live without sun?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
En Sabah Nur Posted June 1, 2010 Author Share Posted June 1, 2010 here goes nothing... http://specialed.gangmembers.net add me to your mobile favorites. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
423894 Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 YESSSSS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highriskcrimes Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 i bookmarked that shit haha...too good 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stoopit Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 This thread had me rolling last night. I even felt guilty for laughing so hard, then I figured how you must feel hearing this shit for the first time with only you around to full comprehend (or not) what was just said to you. It's almost like you have to tell some one or you yourself don't belive it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
En Sabah Nur Posted July 27, 2010 Author Share Posted July 27, 2010 been almost two months, hope you all don't mind me bumping this thread and spamming to let you know there's been plenty of updates: http://specialed.gangmembers.net 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
En Sabah Nur Posted August 18, 2010 Author Share Posted August 18, 2010 spam bump... because we got a kid that doesn't know how his birthday works. http://specialed.gangmembers.net Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
count chocula Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 “I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but sometimes I really wish it was Thursday, you know what I mean? I mean, no offense.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk Grenades Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 i don't get it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
count chocula Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 what? how can you NOT get it?? who doesn't love thursday??? fuck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
..romero.. Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 they sound more like slow kids than ones with behavioral problems...i thought you were talking about group home shit.i was in a group home shit.heard alot of fucked up stories there.... good shit regardless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk Grenades Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 no. no. i get that. i love thursday. what i don't get is why those special ed kids talk like me. “How come that one’s pink and the other one’s yellow?” “This one’s a plum, that’s a nectarine.” “They both have bootycracks, though, right?” “Is a hour sixty minutes?” “Sixty, yeah.” “Coo, I know math.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
count chocula Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 ah, well maybe 88 can hash that one out for ya. no? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk Grenades Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 uhh no? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
count chocula Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 ok? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk Grenades Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 ok. back to new edition. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
En Sabah Nur Posted August 19, 2010 Author Share Posted August 19, 2010 they sound more like slow kids than ones with behavioral problems...i thought you were talking about group home shit.i was in a group home shit.heard alot of fucked up stories there.... good shit regardless. there's a pretty big... overlap there. trust me, there's a lot of fights and thievery and criminal shit everywhere, but there's no reason to think that means they aren't also retarded. in fact, i work mostly on the sex offender dorm, so our kids are extra fucked up. but other dorms focus more on anger or asperger's or whatever. but it's a broad range of kids in any of the dorms. also, school just started, so that's a whole other set of behavior issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
En Sabah Nur Posted October 28, 2010 Author Share Posted October 28, 2010 haven't spammed in a couple months. here's one from this weekend: Me: “You guys wanna go to the Chiefs game? If we leave now, we can probably make it.” Kid A: “Oh, man I thought you were serious for a second.” Me: “No, I’m just kidding, I don’t know where I’d get tickets anyway.” Kid B: “A prostitute!” Me: “Why the hell would a prostitute be walking around with Chiefs tickets?” Kid B: “I don’t know, imagine if she’d be like ‘If you fuck me, I’ll give you these Chiefs tickets.’” http://specialed.gangmembers.net Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
En Sabah Nur Posted October 28, 2010 Author Share Posted October 28, 2010 http://specialed.gangmembers.net oh, and click the new facebook "Like" fuckin thing. http://specialed.gangmembers.net Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
En Sabah Nur Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 http://specialed.gangmembers.net oh, and click the new facebook "Like" fuckin thing. http://specialed.gangmembers.net “You know what else are good? Long johns. Cops are sittin’ there with the long johns, shootin’ em with the taser to get the junk out.” “The cream filling? Long johns as in donuts?” “Yeah, that’s where they get the name for the underwear kind.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pissdrunkwhat?! Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 “I’m nocturnal. Nocturnal’s when you come out at night, right?” “Yeah.” “Yep, that’s what I am. I’m a Party Owl.” OH FUCK YEAH!! HAHAHA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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