So I'm off to a good start.

[TheShaneCo. 69]

Wake up hungover - girlfriend that broke up with me tries to get back together with me over AIM - no dice.

 

Finally that's over, go to take a dump - do that thing where pee shoots out from in between the toilet seat, don't notice - a whole load of really stinky hangover pee on the floor soaking into my sweat pants.

 

Realize what's happened, change into shorts in freezing cold house, start cleaning up pee with tile cleaner (which contains bleach) make chlorine gas (pee contains ammonia) - eyes turn blood red have hard time breathing, realize I'm offing myself and run out of the bathroom.

 

I still have a dump to take but I'm scared to go back in the bathroom.

[injury 778]

poop in sweatpants

[Chubbs 347]

enjoy that tic-tac sir, you earned it.

[abrasivesaint 786]

i woke up and puked battery acid from eating a whole bag of fritos last night while i was drunk, starving and playing poker.

[iloveboxcars 769]

i ate a peanut butter jelly and banana sandwich.

[IrishCarBombs 723]

i hate that pee thing, in the last month it has happened 3 fucking times

[mackfatsoe 170]

oh my god I am hungover

I slept with a crazy coworker last night: here's where everything falls apart.

[sausage party 90]

http://memegenerator.net/955518/bathroom-occupied-shit-pants

[northernlights 52]

^^^ good luck with tht... i vowed to never do tht again!! might as well shit on the dinner table....

 

as far as the pee thing never happened to me.... maybe its cuz my penis rests in the toilet water when i duke it out.... wow thts was nasty!! i made my self gag...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[iloveboxcars 769]

oh my god I am hungover

I slept with a crazy coworker last night: here's where everything falls apart.

 

trust you aint got nothin on me.

 

<<sleeping with the room mate.

[abrasivesaint 786]

oh my god I am hungover

I slept with a crazy coworker last night: here's where everything falls apart.

 

 

haha, when we were like 18 my buddy was working at a company that you called when your credit card declines, this dude would figure why.. anyways, this chick he worked with who was about 22 called him over to help her with her internet or some shit, he goes over, she starts jerking him off in the cubical, the boss comes over so my buddy dives under the computer and starts playing with wires saying "oh this looks like the problem" till the boss left, they agree to meet in the bathroom, he goes in, she instantly starts sucking his dick, he starts fingering her, a couple minutes into he says he put his hands on the top of the stall as she blew him and he noticed this weird chunky looking goo on his hands, he starts realizing what it is and thinking hes got some viral cabin fever shit on his hands he starts getting grossed out and starts dry heaving, the chick starts freaking out, he runs to to the sink, pukes out his intestines and starts washing his hands, then just kinda sat down stuck in shock, the chick ran out crying cause she thought he was having a stroke...

 

she never came back to work.

[TheoHuxtable.. 1,444]

[northernlights 52]

hahahaha great story!!! i woulda wiped it in her hair and made the whole office laugh at her!!

[Silba 138]

what was the goo?

[abrasivesaint 786]

some sort of intergalactic viral pussy juice. some scientists believe it may have been the ooze that created the ninja turtles.

[TheShaneCo. 69]

Welp, time to start drinking again.

 

Also - How the fuck do I smell like a camp fire in the middle of Brooklyn?

[wisetuxedo 53]

im jealous

 

woke up witht the lady, hungover as fuck, then peed for like 3 minutes and passed out again for another 4 hours, just ate chocolate chip pancakes and bacon, could be a good day...

[northernlights 52]

[B!G D 15]

I had nothing planned last night

 

This girl hits me up asking me to come over, her boyfriend is outta state, so of course i go.

 

Hung out. No booty because she was feeling guilty about cheating on her boyfriend with me before.

 

Came home, homies were all high.

 

No goods left.

 

Went to bed.

 

Now i'm just eating cereal.

 

Not off to a good start..

[mackfatsoe 170]

 

<<sleeping with the room mate.

 

ouch

whose bed is more comfortable?

when you wake up in the morning, and make breakfast, whose eggs get eaten?

is all the food and drink in the house shared?

you are so fucked.

 

 

 

edit: I just ate pho. Then I peed out my butt. Feeling much improved.

[publicenemyno.3 265]

i woke up to serbians knocking on my door at 8 to replace my windows. it got hella cold in my place and they broke the old windows and didnt do a very good job of cleaning up. i cleaned up the broken glass and then made pasta dough and turned into fresh rigatoni for tonight. it's gonna be a good day.

[KAISER-SOZE 16]

There's not enough ammonia in your piss to make enough mustard gas to do you any harm.

Stop being a pussy and go drop them kids off at the pool already.

[invisible pants 1]

you did the pee crack thing??

 

ugghh

[Cheason 22]

My nigga fell down a flight of stairs into me last night at a party and really fucked my ribs/stomach up.

 

My ribcage felt like it nearly collapsed against the railing...I wake up today hungover feeling like i got trucksticked in the gut.

[Gat Bush 130]

I need to stop the late night meals. The end result being me pooing several times a day thus putting off my showering which in turn makes me feel all dirty and poo-butted.