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everyday life tips and tricks


morton

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3-d Imax movies are usless when drunk

 

If you can't impress em with facts, baffle em with bullshit

 

check how much toiletpaper there is before shitting.

 

When you're in class, sit next to a girl and start to draw. Shell probably notice and want to lick your balls

 

dont get mad, dont give a fuck.

 

MY DICK IS CLEANER THAN THE FLUSH HANDLE

 

Also draw mustaches on people in the newspaper. It's a stress reliever.

 

don't take lsd and take the fucking greyhound for 9 hours...

 

if your shoes smell. treat your feet not your shoes

 

if you were alive in 2006 you are one of the many recipients of Time magazine's Person of the year award. in 2006 time magazine gave "everyone" the award while making their cover as close to a mirror as possible. be sure to mark it on your resume.

 

if you think it is, it probably is.

 

shes not going to call you back

 

i was at a bar saturday night seeing a band and the AC wasn't on so it was hot as hell. i put my empty beer bottle in my back pocket and hung my coat off of it.

 

when you jack off, leave the door unlocked. it makes for a better orgasm if someone walks in mid sploosh

 

on another note:

 

if you run into a girl and you feel theres an automatic mutual attraction, ask for her number.

no matter how awkward, even if the only thing you shared was a smile.

 

i ran into a real cute blonde yesterday after i smoked a blunt.

got the fuck me eyes, didnt ask, and its been bugging me ever since.

 

she was looking at your bloodshot eyes.

 

it probably didn't happen in slow motion either.

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  • 1 year later...

  • Always do take out and leave a couple menus in your car of near by spots so after you pick up shorty u can bring her to your place getting them over is half the battle.
  • Never tell people how much money u have flexing isn't cute and will cost u.
  • When u go out to meet women never go alone bring one or two friends always better when its women friends they will naturally draw in other women.
  • After dating a girl for a while its important to have checks and balances.
  • Wet Wipes are great keep them clutch for getting rid of the duck butter: when sweat and goo builds up between thigh and balls

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AUDIO BOOKS SUUUUCK. I NEED MUSIC WHILE I'M TRAVELING, BUT THE WIFE ALWAYS TURNS THE VOLUME DOWN SO WE CAN TALK AND SHE GETS BUGGED WHEN I TURN IT BACK UP. BUT TRUTHFULLY ALL I EVER HEAR ON ROAD TRIPS IS THE SOUND OF CARTOONS COMING FROM THE BACK SEAT BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER WON'T KEEP HER HEADPHONES ON UNLESS SHES ON HER IPAD...

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  • 1 month later...
AUDIO BOOKS SUUUUCK. I NEED MUSIC WHILE I'M TRAVELING, BUT THE WIFE ALWAYS TURNS THE VOLUME DOWN SO WE CAN TALK AND SHE GETS BUGGED WHEN I TURN IT BACK UP. BUT TRUTHFULLY ALL I EVER HEAR ON ROAD TRIPS IS THE SOUND OF CARTOONS COMING FROM THE BACK SEAT BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER WON'T KEEP HER HEADPHONES ON UNLESS SHES ON HER IPAD...

 

 

When writers get old.......

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  • 2 months later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Being half drunk while going through airport security has a 90% success rate at getting it done faster. 

 

If you're flying longer distance and stuck next to someone unaware of personal space, getting absolutely shit faced and passing out drooling is a good strategy.  They'll often have magically relocated when you wake up in a half hour. 

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  • 1 year later...

If you think your asshole is delicate and special you're tempted to buy ultra soft toilet paper for a luxurious experience. Don't do it. You'll end up with ass dreadlocks made out of butt hair and tp dingle berries. 
 

Go for the ultra strong charmin. Haven't had my delicate ass scraped up once by it.

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Cheap flights right now with the pandemic and all, I just booked for Puerto Rico next year RT from the american midwest for 300, with no fee flight change if I want it.

 

Keep a dedicated set of toiletries for travel instead of building a set everytime, cuts down on items left behind and reduces packing time.

 

Packing cubes are pretty swell, the garment sleeve for hanging clothes is another new feature of luggage that I really appreciate, when teamed up with some velvet hangers it makes unpacking a breeze. 

 

I let my inner Seattleite shine and bring a packable/reusable cloth bag when I travel, comes in handy and I after not using disposable plastic bags for so long I find em kind of a bummer now unless I need one for something which is rare and can be planned for.

 

 

 

 

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