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But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You

lord_casek

By lord_casek
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lord_casek

lord_casek

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But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

 

 

 

By Kimberly Pruitt

June 9, 2009 | Issue 45•24

 

 

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever

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lord_casek

lord_casek

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Re: But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And

 

best response evar:

 

You know, you’re right. It really is better this way. I mean, if we dated, chances are more than likely you wouldn’t live up to the fantasy I’ve built up. We’d date for a while. I’d grow sick of the insecurity stemming from dating a girl I consider “out of my league.” Then, one day, I’d realize that not only do you not respect me, you’ve also been preying on the fact that I’ve forced myself to believe you’re the only one for me. It’ll only get worse from there. I’ll realize that you’re really not that pretty, you’re really not that smart, and you’re really not that interesting. I’ll have no choice but to come to terms with the fact that you’re, at best, a seven. Sevens are good, don’t get me wrong, but a C is still a C… and let’s face it, you’re a real fucking C.

 

After that I’ll start looking around. Oh sure, I’ll stick around while the sex is still interesting. But it’ll all go back to you not living up to my fantasy version of you. No matter how hard you try, it’ll all come back to me looking down at you and thinking “Is this it?” as I show the same enthusiasm I do when I’m enjoying day-old pizza.

 

I’ll flirt with other girls; because now they’re interested in a guy they can’t have. My confidence will have increased. I’ll eventually realize that the trick to girls isn’t to date the prettiest or the smartest, just one the other girls are slightly jealous of. Hell, it could be a purse. They’ll see your new bag, find out I gave it to you (in reality long before we ever dated), and want a guy that gives them nice things like me… exactly like me.

 

Eventually you’ll realize that, now that I’ve got you, I’m losing interest. It wasn’t you I was in love with; it was the idea of you. It was the chase. You’ll become more and more insecure. You’ll complain that I don’t pay enough attention to you. And in the end you’ll realize I’ve become the same jerk I tried so hard to rescue you from. The shame of turning something so good into something so mediocre will gnaw at you until you cheat on me with some new douche. After all, he’s already a jerk and a loser. You didn’t make him that way. He can only get better. At least, that’s what you’ll hope.

 

The alternative is what? I’ll get angry, a natural reaction to the pain I’m feeling from rejection. My snide remarks will cut away at the eager-to-please impression you have of me. It’ll culminate into one huge fight. You’ll call me an asshole; I’ll call you a bitch. You’ll run to one of the other countless drones waiting to replace me and the whole cycle will start all over. The very friendship you were hoping to retain will be the one you’ve dashed. Maybe things would have been different if you hadn’t let me waste my time chasing something you never intended to give me.

 

Years later we’ll run into each other somehow. If I’m better off you’ll attribute it to my desire to “make you want me.” If I’m worse off you’ll think my life fell apart and it’s all because I didn’t know how to deal with not having you.

In the end it’s all my fault. I took things too slowly. Sure, there was that moment where you considered dating me; but I was looking away or too afraid to do anything about it. Then I hung around too long hoping to catch a second chance; but we both know it’ll never come. I was my own worst enemy.

 

Eventually I’ll learn the lesson; but chances are I’ll be so desperate for affection that I’ll wind up marrying the first thing that doesn’t say no. And you, you’ll always hope the jerk you settled for someday becomes as great a guy as I once was… long before I realized you were full of shit.

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Mauler5150

Mauler5150

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Re: But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And

 

Sadly I have been that guy in a couple situations in my life but time eventually forces you to get to that mentality as indicated in the response. As time goes on I seriously don't think we are meant to have one partner, but instead spread our time between many people.

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Re: But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And

 

casek thats one of the funniest things ive read in a while. where did you find it?

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terrorlicious

terrorlicious

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Re: But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And

 

HAHAHAHAHA.

 

that was genius. even if it does remind me of the situation i've just created over the weekend with my ex girl by seeing her for the first time in like 7 months.

 

but in any case, it did make me laugh. and worry that i was becoming some kind of chumpy emo kid or something.

Mr CaseK once again i tip my hat to you, sir.

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lord_casek

lord_casek

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Re: But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And

 

HAHAHAHAHA.

 

that was genius. even if it does remind me of the situation i've just created over the weekend with my ex girl by seeing her for the first time in like 7 months.

 

but in any case, it did make me laugh. and worry that i was becoming some kind of chumpy emo kid or something.

Mr CaseK once again i tip my hat to you, sir.

 

 

That is how it's supposed to make us (grown ass men) feel. We're all supposed to recall that one situation where we got ourselves into some bullshit (see: "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" Jay-Z's Book of Wisdom, Chapter 9, Verse 9).

 

The whole point is: Put it out there, nothing changes. Otherwise, you're a big pussy and advice wolf is right.

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terrorlicious

terrorlicious

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Re: But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And

 

That is how it's supposed to make us (grown ass men) feel. We're all supposed to recall that one situation where we got ourselves into some bullshit (see: "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" Jay-Z's Book of Wisdom, Chapter 9, Verse 9).

 

The whole point is: Put it out there, nothing changes. Otherwise, you're a big pussy and advice wolf is right.

 

haha, exactly. sometimes advice wolf needs to step in and lay down the law.

 

it's prolly about time i fed my ex girl to advice wolf. or just any kind of rabid blood thirsty animal, or just start nailing her girlfriends.

 

i think any of the above would be appropriate.

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