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you - have / have not


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Have

 

-fallen off the top of a billboard and landed on the 3 foot wide catwalk 75ft above a parking lot.

-broken my back-twice, and can still walk.

-been jumped by 12 guys with 2 friends, put 6 guys in the hospital and walked away.

-gone to a strip club with cee-lo and friends

 

Have Not

 

-been to europe

-eaten at jack in the box

-ever played a madden game

-owned a pair of reeboks

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I HAVE:

 

- Never broken a bone in bone in my body. Touch wood.

- Watched 15 year old girls whore themselves (literally) to strangers whilst regularly visiting a house of homeless kids. Disturbing fucking shit.

- Lied to women multiple times while I was younger in order to fuck older chicks, then told them my real age whilst leaving. The looks on their faces are worth saving.

 

I HAVE NOT:

 

- Ever drunk coffee intentionally (but i love the smell)

- Ever been in a car accident.

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I have

 

performed a haka (maori war dance)

dressed a dead body

performed CPR on someone

turned an octopuss's head inside out an tore its organs out (they make ok bait when fishing)

made a cool bow and arrow out of sticks and fishing line.

 

I haven't

 

touched snow or seen it up close, only on distant mountains.

eaten a cheezesteak

been tattoo'd

had gay sex

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I have:

-Slipped a disc (or some shit like that) in my back due to having sex on a tile floor.

-Almost been run over by a visibly upset police officer, yet managed to evade arrest that night.

-Blacked out from drinking and woken up in my driveway, and noticed that I had profusely vomited all over my neighbor's car.

-Eaten pig ears

-Been hit in the head with a beer bottle and received no wound

 

Have not:

-Eaten lobster, which seems to be a trend

-Owned a fitted cap for any team besides the Red Sox

-Drank tequila

-Broken a bone

-Been stung by a bee

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I have:

- signed many autographs, including one on a girls dildo

- seen a ghost that looked exactly like Jesus in my living room

- performed ethnic Ukrainian folk dances in front of large audiences

- received a full scholarship to a very good university just from playing the piano

 

I haven't:

- eaten sushi

- gotten into a fight

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HAVE

-Flown a few aeroplanes solo including stunt planes and performed basic aerobatics.

-Been fully knocked out in a street fight and had no idea where I was and how I got there. Luckily they weren't total arseholes and left me once they realised I was unconscious.

-Trained MT in thailand

-25 meter cliff jump without shoes on, without any smaller jumps prior.

-Quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey after 5-6 years of smoking

-Fractured my spine in 2 places (have been told I will make a full recovery)

-too many regrets

 

 

NOT

-fucked 2 girls at once

-Done back to back seasons @ snow

-Euro summer trip

-fall in love with someone I could see myself with for many years to come

-Been in a police chase for the fun of it

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Have

Broken bones skateboarding

Had the bartender give me 55 bucks change for a 60 dollar tab

bought weed from a place of business

 

 

Have not

taken a random chick home from the bar

been to a strip club ( refuse to pay for a hard on and fake conversation)

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have:

 

probably wasted my youth

been to wendy's twice in one day

almost choked to death

fired a musket

voted

been hit on by a pregnant woman

called the police on a house cleaner

gained 60 pounds in 4 months

been in a car accident

drank 3 gallons of water in 4 hours, no bueno

been "involuntarily detained" in baltimore by the DHS

got away with stupid shit i never thought i would have

gotten myself into a lot of debt that will take me years to repay

realized i will most likely never get married

been loyal

lost a friend in the VT shooting

 

have not:

 

been arrested (knock on wood)

met famous writers

done drugs

broken up with anyone

been to a strip club

been to more than one concert

voted democrat

used anything other than american paint

broken anyones hymen (my buddy was not so lucky)

been robbed (knock on wood)

painted a whole car

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I HAVE:

 

met Denzel Washington

been put on 5150 (more than once)

gone the first 10 years of my life not knowing how to ride a bike

seen and felt ghosts

gone about 4 days without sleep

smoked a 4 foot blunt (it was rolled in paper bags and glued with honey.)

been in a riot

 

I HAVEN'T:

 

known a female that I've enjoyed the company of (the good ones always get away)

been in a fight

heard a bad song by Roy Ayers

seen anything good on TV since i was 14

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Have:

Stabbed someone

Pissed, shit and vomited all at once.

Recorded a rap album

Driven at 130 mph

Been in a gang

Smashed my bare ass though a living room window

Escaped a police copter

Found God and lost him again

Done enough LSD to make you trip

Blew up a telephone pole causing a blackout

 

HAVE NOT

 

Banged a black chick

...That's all I got. I've done a lot of stuff.

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have:

 

- seen Denzel Washington play Julius Ceasar in a broadway play

- seen the Oscar Meyer weiner driving on the highway

- gone over 150mph

- drove for 13 hours straight only stopping for gas and drive thru food

- avoided being robbed by some dudes just by letting them know i was on to them, and then watched them walk across the street and rob some guy hailing a taxi

- seen a tractor trailer crash thru the wall of a bridge on the highway, burst into flames, and saw the driver jump outta the truck on fire 50 ft to the river below

 

have not:

 

- blacked out from drinking

- gone skydiving, although i think im gonna try

- left the continent of North America

- seen the appeal of cigarettes

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Have:

Planned and went through with a heist.

Switched all the rims on someones car with spare tires at 3am

Hit a guy in a lacrosse game and gave him a concussion

Hit a guy once and knocked him out.

 

Have not:

Been drunk,

Been high,

Failed a class

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Have

 

-Travelled to London, Paris, Switzerland, Italy

-Got drunk in Sorento with some shitty band named Neon Neon

-Stuck a piece of chewed gum on an authentic Jackson Pollock

-Embedded the bridge of a kid's glasses in his skin

-Broke said kid's braces off

-Rode down a steep hill in a shopping cart

-Shot a potato cannon at a bicyclist

-Never done homework, can always ace tests.

-Drove a racing lawnmower

 

Have Not

 

-Havn't seen Superbad

-Havn't ever barfed from drinking too much/had a hangover

-Havn't skateboarded ever

-Havn't ever been camping

-Havn't ever learned to snap or whistle nor can I jump rope

-Havn't ever had a long term girlfriend

-Havn't gotten beat by one person one on one ever, not three either, 5 will do it

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