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I've got a cousin that is Snow

lord_casek

By lord_casek
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lord_casek

lord_casek

Posted
Posted

Original ad:

I need the help of a drywall expert to repair a large hole in our hallway wall. The hole is about three feet wide. You will need to bring all materials needed, but I will cover the cost. I can send pictures of the hole if requested.

 

Please respond with availability and a reasonable rate.

From Me to *************@*********.org

 

Hey,

 

I saw your ad and will be able to help you out. The best thing to do for dry wall holes is to tape over the entire hole with strips of duct tape, and then paint over the duct tape. If you have wallpaper, I could just put wallpaper over the hole. That would be even easier. After the repair, nobody should lean up on the wall or it will probably tear again. I suggest hanging a picture over the hole. I have some old framed pictures of Bon Jovi that I could bring and install over the hole.

 

I am available all week, and my rate is $25/hr. When can I stop by?

 

-Dan

 

From Brittany ********* to Me

 

Hi Dan! Thanks for the quick response. Sounds good! I will forward this e-mail to my husband and he'll get back to you ASAP.

Thanks!

Brit

 

From Bryan ********* to Me

Dan,

 

My wife sent me your email, but I don't think she actually read/understood what you wrote. If you are serious, then we don't need your help. I hope that isn't how you actually repair things. Regardless, I will tell my wife to actually read the emails before sending them to me.

 

Regards,

 

Bryan

 

From Me to Bryan **********

 

Good afternoon Brian,

 

Your wife doesn't sound too smart. I was going to recommend Hooked on Phonics, but she seems to be capable of writing. I think she just does not have the ability to comprehend what she is reading. I have a cousin who is "slow", and there is this really good remedial school in Philly that he went to. They offer some classes that help with reading comprehension. If you want, I can look up the school and send the information to your wife.

 

- Dan

 

From Bryan ********* to Me

 

Heh heh, that might be just what she needs...

 

From Me to Bryan **********

CC: Brittany *********

 

Great! I'm forwarding our conversation to your wife, along with the school information.

 

The name of the school is "Smithbridge School for Special People," and you can call them at (***)-***-2195.

 

From Bryan ********* to Me

 

Oh boy...please don't...

 

From Brittany ********* to Me

 

What a jerk you are. Excuse me for being busy and quickly browsing through your letter. Go to hell!

 

From Me to Brittany *********

 

Brit, you should really consider this school. It might not seem like it, but they actually can help you. It did wonders for my cousin. He used to just stay at home with his aunt all day, but now he has a great job at McDonalds. Please, just give them a call.

 

-Dan

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lord_casek

lord_casek

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Re: I've got a cousin that is "slow"

 

Original ad:

**********HEY YOU THERE*************-$1500

 

HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A FORD EXPLORER!I NEED A TRUCK SO IF YOU ARE SELLING YOURS AND IT HAS NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER THEN LET ME KNOW. I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND WE NEED A WAY TO GET AROUND WHERE NO BODY WILL BE ALL CRAMPED UP AND A EXPLORER WILL DO US JUST FINE. I'M LOOKING TO BUY AROUND THE END OF OCTOBER IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THEN GET AT ME A.S.AP.

 

(the ad also had a picture of her posing for the camera, like that is necessary for an "auto wanted" ad)

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

ay yo girl i gots a ford explorer for you

 

its not really a 1997 its a 1985

and its not really a ford explorer its a ford bronco but its like the same thing

 

here are the specs if your interested:

-217,292 miles

-transmission is in good shape, 5th gear and reverse work but the rest dont

-the V6 engine was replaced with a V8, gas mileage is pretty good - i got about 12 mpg highway the other day but that was with premium

-power windows but you have to turn a crank to roll them down

-tape player - it does play but there is a def leppard tape jammed in there and it won't come out. great for def leppard fans!

-i am a smoker so you can smell it in the car, but ill throw in an air-freshener for an extra 10 bucks

-it came with front airbag, but it deployed in my last accident and i didnt get it replaced. broncos are safe though so you wont have to worry about an airbag.

-the air conditioning does not work anymore, but it used to and was really cold.

-heat works if you drive the car for a while

-the frame is bent due to an accident with a tractor trailer, but as long as you dont drive over 40 you shouldnt have any problems

-it can seat five which is good for kids, but the back seat has beer and urine stains. they have been professionally treated with windex

-the rear window is missing, but has been repaired with saran wrap

-you will need to have some minor repairs done: new brakes, the rear axle is missing, needs a new radiator and coolant system. i spoke to my friend who knows a lot about cars and he said it shouldnt cost more than a few bucks.

im asking for $7,500 but am willing to negotiate.

let me know what you think

-ted

 

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

 

No thanks.That's not what I'm looking for it's too old and not even the right type of Ford.Have a nice day :)

 

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

 

I'm willing to drop the price to $7,000 and throw in a phil collins cassette tape for the tape player. even though it may seem old, it still runs like it was OJ's bronco. and don't worry about it not being an explorer. all fords are built ford tough.

 

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

 

I don't think that you read my ad.I don't have $7000.00 to spend on a truck much less a DAMN 1985 BRONCO!!!!!!!!!!!You should be willing to give that old ass piece of shit away.GO AWAY and leave me the hell alone STOP WASTING MY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

 

I see you are a tough negotiator. My final offer is $6,900, and I'll include a floormat from my 1983 cutlass supreme. this floormat is brown with several stains and cigarette burns, but it will keep the beautiful bronco interior very clean. please consider this generous offer.

 

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

 

READ THE AD 1500 THAT'S IT.I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN FORD BRONCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

 

Okay, I can see that this luxurious bronco is out of your price range. That is okay. I have a cheaper car that you may be interested in.

It is a 1996 Geo Metro. Almost EXACTLY the same as a Ford Explorer. When looking at the two, I personally can't even tell the difference.

It was my son's car, but he lost his license after his third DUI, so now I am stuck with it. I have no use for it though, and would be willing to sell it to you for $1550.

Features:

- 246,000 HIGHWAY miles

- AM radio, great for traffic reports and radio disney

- 3 great tires from Walmart, they still have about 200 miles worth of tread on them

- Partially functional transmission. Reverse does not work, but you don't really need that anyway.

- Due to a wheel alignment problem, the car can only turn right. But with power steering, it makes turning right easy. Three right turns can make a left.

- No title

- Currently needs brakes, exhaust, cat converter, a front wheel and rotor, and a motor to pass inspection. But as long as you don't get pulled over, who cares about inspection?

- The paint is a metallic/rust red. Some of the spots have rusted through, but I covered it up with duct tape and spray paint. Looks good as new!

- Comes with THE CLUB, a state of the art anti-theft device. But i lost the key to it, so its stuck on the steering wheel. great for leaving your car in west philly!

- The gas tank currently leaks gas, so MPG is around 6 or 7 depending on how fast you drive. You just need to keep plugging the hole with gum.

At that price, this car is a DEAL! Let me know what you think.

 

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

 

YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

 

so you don't want the geo? you're missing out on a dream car. tell you what, for that price, I will also include three old Newsweek magazines, a used toaster, and an old Philadelphia Eagles #81 Terrell Owens jersey.

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lord_casek

lord_casek

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Re: I've got a cousin that is "slow"

 

I couldn't resist fucking with her again. I used another e-mail account.

Original ad:

**********HEY YOU THERE*************-$1500

 

HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A FORD EXPLORER!I NEED A TRUCK SO IF YOU ARE SELLING YOURS AND IT HAS NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER THEN LET ME KNOW. I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND WE NEED A WAY TO GET AROUND WHERE NO BODY WILL BE ALL CRAMPED UP AND A EXPLORER WILL DO US JUST FINE. I'M LOOKING TO BUY AROUND THE END OF OCTOBER IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THEN GET AT ME A.S.AP.

 

(the ad also had a picture of her posing for the camera, like that is necessary for an "auto wanted" ad)

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

Hey there! I saw your ad and I think I have the perfect car for you. I am selling my 2001 Ford Explorer Eddie Bauer edition. It is a great car and I hate to see it go, but I need the money to pay off my 2nd DUI fines.

 

Only 72,000 miles! Here are the features:

 

- CD Player

- Intact windshield

- Rear tires

- Spare tire

- New windshield wipers

- Beautiful white exterior paint

- Cloth interior

 

It was in a very MINOR fender bender, however, and will need a few repairs. As you can see from the picture, you may need to replace the passenger-side mirror and headlights in order for the car to pass PA inspection. I took it to a mechanic, and he said that the mirror is fixable.

I was selling the car for $1800, but due to these minor issues, I will drop the price to $1750.

 

Thanks,

 

Ryan Jackson

 

Attachment:

iy2z9c.gif

 

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

Hi I'm sorry I can't afford to buy your truckit looks really nice and I would love to be behind the wheel of it but I can't afford it.My budget will only allow for me to spend 1500 sorry

 

(she obviously didn't realize there was a picture)

 

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

tell you what, I'll bump the price down to 1500, but I get to keep the CD player and the passenger seat. and I will clear all of the change out of my ashtray.

 

this car is a great deal. I've included a picture, check it out and please reconsider!

 

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

WHY WOULD I BUT A PIECE OF JUNK WHY FOR WHAT YOU BETTA BET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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lord_casek

lord_casek

Posted
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Posted

Re: I've got a cousin that is "slow"

 

Original ad:

**********HEY YOU THERE*************-$1500

 

HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A FORD EXPLORER!I NEED A TRUCK SO IF YOU ARE SELLING YOURS AND IT HAS NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER THEN LET ME KNOW. I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND WE NEED A WAY TO GET AROUND WHERE NO BODY WILL BE ALL CRAMPED UP AND A EXPLORER WILL DO US JUST FINE. I'M LOOKING TO BUY AROUND THE END OF OCTOBER IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THEN GET AT ME A.S.AP.

 

(the ad also had a picture of her posing for the camera, like that is necessary for an "auto wanted" ad)

Me to SHANIQUA *************

Hello,

 

I saw your ad on ********** and I think I have a great car for you. I am selling my 1996 Ford Explorer. I used to work in the film industry, and I got this car after it was used in a movie. It has a custom paint job from the movie set. I barely drive it, so it has only around 60,000 miles on it. I really have no use for it anymore, so I am willing to get rid of it. Take a look at it and let me know what you think. I've attached a few pictures of it. Please note that it did have a MINOR accident involving an animal and may have slight damage.

 

Thanks!

 

Attachment:

2iw0g2u.gif

 

11szh9s.gif

 

SHANIQUA ************* to Me

Sir I thank you for trying to help but I don't want to drive the truck from the dinosaur movie.I wouldn't mind if I had money to get it painted over but I don't. Thanks anyway

 

Me to SHANIQUA *************

I always believe that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, and you shouldn't judge this car by its paint job. It has a great engine that will not quit. From the inside, you can't even tell it is painted like that. This car is reliable, and will NOT be going extinct any time soon.

 

SHANIQUA ************* to Me

No thanks!!!!

 

Me to SHANIQUA *************

Tell you what, for an extra 50 bucks I will spray paint the entire car flat black. I took an art class in high school so I have some experience painting and it will look great.

 

SHANIQUA ************* to Me

NO THANKS!!!WHEN YOU GET A SHINY BLUE OR BLACK ONE THEN YOU LET ME KNOW.

 

Me to SHANIQUA *************

Here's what I am willing to do. For $60, I will spray paint the entire car black, and then cover it with scotch tape so it is shiny. I'll also throw in a VHS of Jurassic Park I taped off of TBS 5 years ago. Includes many classic "retro" commercials that you don't see on TV anymore. A collector's goldmine!

 

SHANIQUA ************* to Me

NO THANKS TRY SOMEONE ELSE.I'VE ALREADY MADE A DEAL WITH SOMEONE ELSE THEY WILL BE BRINGING ME THE TRUCK TOMORROW MORNING.

 

Me to SHANIQUA *************

WAIT! Before you make that deal, check out the new, REPAINTED Explorer. I repainted it a nice shiny blue. Please check out the picture and reconsider!

 

Attachment:

23mngbm.gif

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the radiologist

the radiologist

Posted
Posted

Re: I've got a cousin that is "slow"

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. THis has got to be by far my favorite thread so far. You sir, should pat yourself on your back repeatedly throughout the day.

 

And I love the "bling shine" coming off the blue explorer.

 

Oh fuck, my stomach hurts now from laughing so much. You suck.

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lord_casek

lord_casek

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Re: I've got a cousin that is "slow"

 

here's a gem:

 

 

This one was a little tricky. If you didn't figure it out, I am both Mike Anderson and Kira Anderson.

Original ad:

i am looking to trade/barter my 1994 Jeep Wrangler. 140k miles, yellow, good condition. NO CASH. I will barter just about anything of equal value!

From Mike Anderson to **********@***********.org

CC: Kira Anderson

 

Hey,

 

I saw your ad for a '94 Wrangler for barter. I will trade you my whore of a wife for that car. She is a dirty little slut that fucks just about anything that moves. She doesn't really have much to offer, so I figure she is worth about the price of a used 1994 wrangler. I understand if you think she isn't worth it, so I am willing to throw in $200 cash on top of that. If you are looking for a loose whore that will give it up easily, my wife will be well worth the trade. Let me know if you are interested. Does the Wrangler come with a title?

 

From Jim ***** to Me

 

Ha ha! Very funny. I am married and don't think I would be interested in your wife. Thanks for the offer though!

 

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

 

OH FUCK YOU MIKE!! DROP FUCKING DEAD!!! YOU ARE SUCH A SCUMBAG PIECE OF SHIT I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!

 

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

 

Fuck YOU, you stupid cunt! What are you doing on the computer? I figured you were fucking Steve again. Or how about our neighbor? I'm sure he's looking to stick his dick in some rotten pussy. You fucking twat.

 

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

 

MIKE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE THIS IS IT. DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HOME TODAY BECAUSE ILL BE WAITING WITH A FUCKIN KNIFE

 

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

 

Ooh I'm real fucking scared. It might be kind of hard to stab me with 10 inches of black dick in your mouth you fucking WHORE

 

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

 

Hey you two sound like a great couple and all, but could you stop including me in these e-mails? I really don't think this concerns me.

 

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

 

TELL YOU WHAT JIM ILL BUY YOUR FUCKING WRANGLER SO I CAN RUN OVER MY PIECE OF SHIT HUSBAND WITH IT

 

From Mike Anderson to Jim *****, Kira Anderson

 

Jim don't sell it to her. She'll probably pick up a random dude and crash the jeep while she's sucking his dick.

 

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

 

FUCK YOU

 

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

 

Will both of you shut the fuck up and stop e-mailing me? Jesus fucking christ man c'mon!

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shai

shai

Posted
Posted

Re: I've got a cousin that is "slow"

 

Brokeback Beach

Posted at: 2009-06-30 09:51:16

Original ad:

Wanted: ride from philly to rehoboth beach

 

i am trying to leave any time next friday. i will pay for gas, and provide conversation.i am bringing a large duffel bag and a cat.

From Mike Partlow to ***********@*********.org

 

Hey,

 

I have to go to court in Rehoboth next Friday, so I would be able to give you a ride. I just want to know, you're female, right?

 

Mike

 

From chris ******** to Me

 

i am male. what time did you want to leave?

-chris

 

From Mike Partlow to chris *********

 

Chris,

 

I'm sorry, I thought you were female because you said you owned a cat. Sorry, but I don't want to give you a ride. Two dudes in a car, going to Rehoboth, it just seems a little gay. Better luck next time.

 

Mike

 

From chris ******** to Me

 

wtf how is that gay? i just want a ride!

 

From Mike Partlow to chris *********

 

Well normally I wouldn't think anything of it, but first off, you own a cat, and you are a dude. That is a huge red flag right there. Any normal straight guy wouldn't own a cat, and if he did, he wouldn't care about the cat enough to take it to the beach. Second, you want to go to Rehomo Beach. I'm not judging your lifestyle or anything man, I just don't want you gaying up my car. No offense. I don't even want to know what is in your duffel bag.

 

From chris ******** to Me

 

stfu dude why are you being a prick! im not fucking gay i just cant get a fucking ride to the beach! my GIRLFRIEND happens to have a house in rehoboth!!

 

From Mike Partlow to chris *********

 

Yeah, I'm sure he does.

 

I think Richard Simmons is driving down there next week, try to get a ride with him.

 

----------------------------

 

This is like Holla Daddy for Craigslist.

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watson

watson

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Posted

Re: I've got a cousin that is "slow"

 

Original ad:

2007 Cadillac Escalade for sale - 38,000 miles. Great condition! Asking $40,000. E-mail if interested.

 

 

From Mike Partlow to **************@*********.org

 

Hey,

 

I have a proposition for you. I will give you $50 if you let me borrow your Escalade for tomorrow night. I have been trying to get a date with this girl, but the only way I was able to get her to go on a date with me was by telling her that I am a very rich and powerful drug dealer. The problem is, I am not a drug dealer, and I actually drive a 91 Honda Accord. She will know I am lying if I pick her up in that. The only chance I have of getting with this chick is if I roll up in your ballin Escalade. If you let me borrow it, on top of giving you $50, I will put a few gallons of gas in it. I promise we will not have sex on your seats.

 

Please help me out!

 

Mike

 

From James ******* to Me

 

Absolutely not. The car is not for rent!

 

From Mike Partlow to James ********

 

James,

 

I am willing to pay you up to $60 to borrow your Escalade. If you are worried about me messing it up, you can ride with me. In fact, you can drive it. I'll tell her you are my bodyguard. That would actually work out better, I think. Do you look like a bodyguard? You'd have to wear a suit, and possibly one of those earpieces with the coiled cord running down your neck. You should occasionally touch the earpiece to your ear, like you are listening to some badass security chatter. You shouldn't talk have to talk much, just drive and look badass.

 

Please reconsider my offer.

 

Mike

 

From James ******** to Me

 

No. That is stupid. Maybe you should try asking out a woman that isn't a materialistic gold digger.

From Mike Partlow to James *********

 

Golddigger or not, this girl's rack is phenominal. Tell you what, if you consider my offer and I end up getting laid, I will try to snap a picture of her tits with my cellphone and send it to you. Trust me, they are great.

 

Mike

 

From James ******** to Me

 

Shut up. You aren't borrowing my car.

 

From Mike Partlow to James *********

 

Well James, you are being a cockblocker. I hope next time you are trying to get your D wet, you get the shit cockblocked out of you.

 

 

---

 

fucking awesome !

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