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Alcohol is worse than heroin, crack cocaine? Of course!

Alcohol is more lethal than heroin or crack cocaine?



Yes, according to a recent study.


Should defaming alcohol like this be considered substance abuse? Well, no. Of course it's more dangerous!


Lab rats on crack just sit there politely pressing the "More Crack" tab until they run out of food and die. Lab rats, given too much alcohol, wander around the cage bumping into the walls and try to get the other rats to join them in singing a song about working in Chicago.


A cocaine-addled rat just produces more rock music than usual. An inebriated rat will get lost in the maze and wind up having consensual relations with a strange gerbil, which it will forget about until the gerbil tries to contact it later.


Look at history. Winston Churchill was frequently drunk! He once insulted a woman who told him he was drunk by responding, "Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober." Churcill played a major role in World War II, a conflict that killed more than 40 million people. W. H. Auden once took LSD, of which he said "Nothing much happened, but I did get the distinct impression that some birds were trying to communicate with me." W. H. Auden was a poet and critic who brought delight to thousands!


And this applies to the business world as well! Once, a stock trader got drunk and caused a crisis by purchasing 7 million barrels of oil.



Drugs are not a problems for stock traders -- that's where the saying "Buy low, sell high" comes from. Give a high-powered trader cocaine, and the worst thing he will do is create an international financial crisis that requires a federal bailout. I'm sorry, I forgot where I was going with that sentence.


Now the drunk fellow has been banned from trading, but he's not alone! Drunk people frequently buy things they regret later. You never see any crack addicts buying things they will regret later. This is because they have already spent all their money on crack.


In terms of the damage they inflict, drunk writers inflict far more than writers who are on crack. This is because we are obliged to read the works of drunk writers, whereas the works of crack-addled writers are usually found several days after their deaths scrawled on the walls of train station restrooms. Usually, because of the spelling concerns and the large number of references to alien abductions, these don't make it to publication.


Mothers Against Drunk Driving exist. Mothers Against Driving While On Heroin does not. Clearly, Mothers don't think Heroin-addled drivers are a problem. Mothers think everything is a problem!


Drunk monkeys harass beachgoers, stealing their beverages and pelting them with things. You never see a high monkey harassing a beachgoer, except by suggesting the beachgoer come with it to buy salted snacks and attend a Phish concert.


People frequently get drunk and ask you to listen to their romantic problems and the ways they feel shortchanged by their upbringing. People who are addled by heroin never do this. Instead, they ask you to give them your wallets, or to listen to the ways they feel about aliens.


True, people who do a lot of meth seldom do anything else. But meth at least builds your math and chemistry skills, as well as saving you money on toothpaste and dental attention. Drinking only builds your ability to throw ping pong balls into plastic cups.


And think what drinking does to families! Remember all those Thanksgivings where Uncle Harry drank more than anyone else and insisted he'd never known love? You never see your Thanksgiving dinner ruined because Uncle Harry has had more LSD than anyone else. That's probably a great Thanksgiving dinner, because Uncle Harry is convinced that the turkey is trying to tell him something and keeps insisting everyone "shut up those big bats" so he can communicate with it better.


I'm so glad this study emerged, because, somehow, in spite of all this, alcohol has become embedded in our culture, and we needed a wake-up call! Maybe the answer is banning alcohol! That worked so well in 1920!


Or perhaps we should legalize everything! As Hunter S. Thompson said, "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."







By Alexandra Petri | November 1, 2010; 11:45 AM ET

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