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my farts are grossing me out so bad right now


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its difficult to master this technique, but if you cup your hand just right and fart into it, you can then shove your fart directly into someone's nose if you are quick enough.

 

My friend Mickey tried to do that once, and wound up sharting into his hand. It was probably the funniest thing I've ever seen happen.

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My friend Mickey tried to do that once, and wound up sharting into his hand. It was probably the funniest thing I've ever seen happen.

 

*shivers*

 

that would be the most horrible thing to experience. seriously. what the fuck can you even do about that?

 

 

 

the only time i've sharted is when i was really really sick, severe body aches and such.

 

and that was once, i dont quite understand it happening in any other situation.

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Hahahahahahahaha that is epic... but if he threw the shart at your face it would be legendary...

 

i sharted once when i was delivering pizza, sharted in the car on the way back to the place, was drivin all hovering above the seat so i didnt sit in it, went inside and was all like "i am going home now, i will be back soon, im sorry, you cant stop me" went home and showered and threw away the clothes

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The workplace survival guide:

 

 

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

 

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

 

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

 

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

 

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

 

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

 

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

 

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

 

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

 

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

 

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

 

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

HAVANAOMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

 

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

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When i was a kid and I'd be staying at my grandparents house it always struck me as weird that my grandpops shits and farts always smelled different than everyone elses.

I mean, the man had his own unique smell and shit.

I'd go into the bathroom after he took his morning shit and seriously be wondering what the fuck he ate that made his shit smell like that.

 

Lately I've been shitting and farting the same exact smell.

 

I guess the apple don't fall far from the tree.

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Im on a high protein diet right now....working out and lifting etc..

 

my ass has never ever produced such stink...no lie! it is the nastiest it has been in 27 years

 

 

My homie went through that faze years ago. And I couldn't stand riding in the same car as him.

And he actually loved the smell of his own farts too... he'd seriously be like "Ahhhh that smells so good!" while I'm hanging out the window gasping for air yelling at him to pull the fuck over and let me out the car. :biglaugh:

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