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Christmas Carols for the New Millennium

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Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire


Chipmunks roasting on an open fire,

Jack Frost ripping up your nose.

Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire,

And folks dressed up like buffaloes.

Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow,

Helps to make the season right.

Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out,

Will find it hard to see tonight.

They know that Santa's on his way,

He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh.

And every mother's child is sure to spy,

To see if reindeer really scream when they die.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase,

To kids from one to ninety two.

Although it's been said many times, many ways,

Merry Christmas,

Merry Christmas,

Merry Christmas,

Fuck you!


Silver Shells


City sidewalks, bloody sidewalks,

slick with holiday gore,

in the air there's a smell of explosives. Children wailing, people screaming,

as they run for their lives,

from the gunman who has taken the store.


Silver bells, shotgun shells,

It's Christmas time in the city.

Rink ka-chink, hear them ring,

Today is your last Christmas day.




White Christmas


I'm dreaming of a white Christmas,

just like the ones I used to know.

Where the tree stumps glisten,

and the children listen,

on cell phones for good deals on blow.


Everybody knows,

somebody with missing teeth.

Piles of trash out on the lawn,

tiny tots beaten black and blue,

and Mama selling men her soul.


Street gangs drive by and open fire,

officer blue blows off your nose.

And though it has been sad,

many hours of the day,

Scary Christmas to you.

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