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iLoveRamen

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that sucks^^

and why the hell would you watch anything with andy dick in it anyways?

 

 

 

what do you call a mexican without a lawn mower? unemployed

 

whats the useless piece of skin surrounding the vagina called? the woman

 

what do the kkk and nike have in common? they both make niggers run fast

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A man, an ostrich, and a cat

 

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

 

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

 

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

 

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

 

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

 

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

 

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

 

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

 

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

 

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail!"

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A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl "How old do you think I am?" "I guess about 29." The woman replies. "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,.....how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

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A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter.

 

Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns.

 

The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "BLOODY HELL, IT WORKS!!!"

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One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

 

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

 

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

 

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

 

The blonde started laughing.

 

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

 

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

 

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

 

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

 

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

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A man goes into a pet store looking to buy a dog to replace his that just died the man at the pet store says no no you dont want a dog i got the pet just for you its a hairless toothless gerbil the man says what am i gonna do with that the pet store owner says pull down your pants and the gerbil gives him the best blowjob of his life. the man takes the gerbil home and lets it run around the house and his wife jumps up on the chair and says what the hell is that the man replies just teach it to cook and clean and get the hell out.

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2 gays livin in a house together. both get up to go to work. 1 walks out into the kitchen and sees the other wankin in2 a condom n asks wat u doin? he replies and says"packin ur lunch"!

 

..

 

why do u never see any cross eyed teachers

 

because they cant control their pupils

 

..

 

a women gets into a taxi and says''take me to the station''.when she gets there the taxi driver says ''that will be a fiver'' she opens her coat and is naked.she says ''can i pay with this''the taxi driver looked between her legs and says''you got anything smaller''

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A man goes to the doctor and gets told that he only has a week to live. He is told has a very very rare kind of cancer called Yellow 257.

 

He goes home and decides to spend his last week doing things he'd always wanted to do but never had the time. That night he goes to bingo for the first time in his life. He buys only buys strip of a book, yet he goes on to win every single line and every house all night!

 

The bingo caller approaches him on his way out and he says, "I've been calling bingo for 20 years, and never ever have i once seen one player win every line and every house all night. You are quite possibly the luckiest bastard I have ever met!"

 

The man replies, "Me!? Lucky!? You've gotta be joking! I'll let you know I've got Yellow 257!!

 

"Fucking hell, you've won the raffle aswell!!" replies the caller!

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One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

 

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

 

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

 

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

 

The blonde started laughing.

 

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

 

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

 

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

 

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

 

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

 

this one actually made me laugh out loud because it reminds me of a couple chicks i know that i wouldn't be surprised to see do this...

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what's the difference between a baby and an apple?

 

you don't eat an apple after you jizz on it

________________________________________

 

how do you get ten babies into a bowl?

 

a blender.

 

how do you get them back out?

 

tortilla chips.

________________________________________

 

what's red and bubbly and crawling toward the window?

 

a baby in the microwave.

__________________________________

 

how did helen keller's parents punish her?

 

a) put a plunger in the toilet.

b) re-arrange the furniture.

_______________________________________

 

what's got four legs and one arm?

 

a pitbull on a playground.

________________________________________

 

what's sicker than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?

 

one dead baby nailed to ten trees.

______________________________________

 

sorry for all the dead baby jokes... all the rest that i know are too much to type out...

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