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mr.yuck

email hilarity. LOL Edition.

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On her radio show recently, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew/Christian, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance . The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

 

Dear Dr. Laura:

 

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. ... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.

 

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

 

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

 

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

 

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

 

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

 

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an

abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

 

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

 

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

 

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

 

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

 

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

 

Your adoring fan,

 

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.

Professor Emeritus

Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education

University of Virginia

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4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

 

 

^^HAHAHA this takes the cake!!

 

p.s. FUCK dr. laura...shes a feminist that blames ALL problems on men....shes a real life version of the lifetime channel.

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Guest R@ndomH3ro

This is why I keep it simple..........

 

 

 

 

Listen to Black Metal and give sacrifices of kittens to the one who lies "dead but dreaming" in the city of R'lyeh.

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this is all part of the grand hypocrisy of modern christianity. all based around disregarding half the torah/old testament laws, and then getting violent about those they choose to recognize as legit. jesus' """"words"""" of the new testament negated/balanced a few of the old laws, but he failed to mention about 92% of them. at this point the christians give the term doctrine to things they feel like respecting. fuck 'em

atheism ftw.

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^I run in both circles so its kinda confusing.

 

But yeh the funny thing is I could answer all his questions. Not to mention for a phd he seems a bit uninformed even if he is just poking fun.

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1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

No altars to G-d can be used outside of the temple, and even then there are specially designated altars to be used by only the priests, not the average man. Plus as a side note, smell of the offerings we aparently very unpleasing to the average person and it was said that it was an act of G-d that no women miscarried because of it.

 

P.s. just because someone does not like a smell doesnt mean you should smite them.:rolleyes:

 

 

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
In this day and age it is forbidden to sell ones children into slavery. The laws of slavery have been suspended and many rabbi's think that in the time of the messiah there no longer will be these laws.

 

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
The torah forbids premarrital sex so if you follow that law I doubt it will be a problem.

 

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
See #2

 

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
The sabbath only applies to jews. Furthermore even if your neighbor is jewish it would take a high court of 70 rabbis to be able to pass that judgment. One should also note that it says in the gemara that a court that killed a person more than once every 70 yrs. was considered a bloody court. Nowadays since we do not have any rabbis that are percived to be on the level to give people "smicha" (a ritual appointmentship) there is no high court therefore your neighbor would not be killed.

 

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an

abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

Only G-d knows.

 

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
20/20.

 

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
You dont kill someone for trimming their sideburns.

 

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
Everyone is ritually unclean today.

 

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
see #5

 

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

 

Your adoring fan,

 

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.

Professor Emeritus

Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education

University of Virginia

I agree with this Professor what this tv host? said was stupid and I know thats what he was trying to point out. All and all I only answered his questions because I was asked to.

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