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Dear any girl that I actually respect enough to date,

 

Why do you always have boyfriend? It just makes things difficult for the both of us.

Or rather, all three of us.

 

As always,

-fuse.

 

Dear Fuse,

 

Co-signed.

 

Sincerely, MAR

 

 

Dear Asian Girls,

 

You are nice but I will not give you free money if you ask me out. Just because Im jewish does not mean Im rich. Please leave me alone. I have given up on your kind.

 

Sincerely, MAR

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Dear Tonight,

 

 

I'd like to thank you in advance for beer, pool, best friends, and pussy. All of which make a great combo for a good night. Oh and a South American dish called Pupusa (spelling). I will hang out with you until you're friend morning comes. Then I'll end up going to bed.

 

 

 

 

Sincerely neutral chill

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Dear In-Laws,

Thanks for making everyone stress-out over your arrival. Thanks in-advance for the gift that is completely useless to me and makes me wonder if you have actually ever even paid attention to who I actually am and what I might like. Let me give you a clue, it isn't perfume that smells like geriatrics. But thanks anyways, I will put it with the watch you guys got me two years ago. The one with my name on it and a stick figure of a little girl in a red dress. That is wrapped up in the retarded plaid skirt from Hot Topic you got me the year before. It's the thought that counts, eh? Well the thought you guys are sending me is that you hate me and wish I was never born.

Love,

A Horrible Mess Of A Person.

 

 

Dear Sparks,

I miss you.

Love,

Missing You.

 

 

Dear cats,

Thank you for being so soft. Thank you for laying on my chest in the early morning hours and waking me up with your precious little cat paws on my face. Thank you for not peeing on my jacket. No thank you for shredding up my box springs.

Most of all, thank you for being everything that I wish I could be. You inspire me.

Love,

Crazy Cat Lady.

 

 

Dear Grilled Cheese Sandwich,

You complete me. Even when you are bad, you are still better than Peanut Butter & Jelly.

I been thinking about you all day. I can't wait to get off work and put in some work getting me and you together.

Love,

Bread And Cheese Enthusiast.

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Dear Dog Chaps,

 

We got you the perfect present picked out. Will be sending soon.

 

Puro norte,

 

EBPH

 

 

Dear portabello mushrooms...

 

Thank you for adding to my pancetta melt more than any other fungi could of. You are everything I expected and more. Please thank the Lagunitas Cappuccino Stout for going so good with you.

 

Stuffed and content,

 

EBPH

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Dear fat bitch at my work,

 

I wish you would just drop dead.

I'm the one in a more senior position.

That is because I work (i.e. I don't sit out the back on my arse eating all day!)

You are fat for a reason, that is because you are lazy and eat too much.

I can't help it that I am attractive, and know I am better than you.

Get over it.........

 

 

......and don't forget to drop dead.

 

Regards,

Mauler5150

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dear everyone,

ive been really into candles lately

the ones that smell all dope

that shit would be gay for the normal dude, but since its me its gonna slide.

these things make the crib extra enjoyable when youre lampin around.

its next level metrosexual shit that gets turned straight G when i touch it.

 

PS: Strictly no homo

 

Hugs and kiss,

G$

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dear stability, healthy motivation, happiness, and sense of self:

 

where have you gone over the past few years? it seems all i want to do these days is break things and get fucked up. i used to think i had a good hold on everything, but you guys somehow slipped away from me and all i'm left with are these self-destructive, self-defeating patterns. i was smoking a blunt dipped in codeine last night and i realized that i miss you a lot. if you get this letter please try to come visit. i'll be waiting...

 

yours truly,

e.s.d.

 

p.s. if not, please send me some ecstacy or mushrooms - i'm not that picky.

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