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Dear ________,


suca

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Dear Rolf,

 

My true dream is to knock up one of these Disney bitches ie Selena Gomez, and continue to smoke weed and live off of her dime. Hopefully making the media mad as fuck as I drive around in the Ferrari she paid for receiving tickets for driving around while high and having her pay it off.

 

RR

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dear uncle,

ima miss you. saying your rosary at church wasn't easy. it made me teary as fuck. it was the same church that my girl's mother's rosary was held. damn.. i remember when i was a little kid we would visit you because my grandma was living in your house and you would get mad at us for making noise haha fuck. you would pull our hair and tell us to shut up. you sorta reminded me of my dad w/ that deep ass voice. fuckin ey. i'll see you one day..

/.

 

dear liver cancer,

i wish you were a human being so i could beat the fuck outta you repeatedly over and over again.

/fuckyou.

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dear car of mine,

 

i loved you like you were my child. i just spent hundreds on a new timing belt, paid insurance for a year, washed you more intensely than i wash my own balls after a greasy one night endeavour. why did your axle have to snap while i was on the freeway, causing me to crash you into the median? i hit my head too, you stupid import. now im stuck paying towing and impound fees for a car i cant even drive, plus you fucked up my game with the bitches.

 

notimpressedoner.

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Dear retard upstairs,

 

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR POWER SAW REVVING, HAMMER BANGING(PAUSE), STAIRCASE RUMBLING, DOOR SLAMMING SHIT. YOU LIVE IN A FUCKED UP SHITTY APRATMENT ROOM, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?

 

EAT SHIT!

 

I can't even smoke weed in perfect silence anymore... killing my high and shit... fuck outta here with this elephant shit.

 

Love, the guy who's gonna set fire to your cat tonight.

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Dear 12oz,

 

Will you pool together enough money so I can fly out to Calig and Suki for the sushi challenge?

 

Thanks,

Earl

 

dear earl,

 

virgin american flies sfo to jfk for like 120 bucks. And they have tvs in the headrests. AND ALSO you can message people in other seats

 

scenario: Walking up the aisle and you see a girl who's "airplane hot*", but you don't want to be obvious and sit right next to her. Simply glance up and peep her seat row/number. Then make sure you give her a big smile so she notices you and an hour or so into the flight send her a message like, "Hi im the guy that smiled at you as we were boarding. Did you know that you can you can send messages to different seats? LOL"

 

Soon you will be getting all the under the blanket airplane handjobs you can handle..

 

 

 

 

*- A girl who is hot on the airplane due to the limited amount of girls you can compare her to. Also works on the bus or subway.

 

NBB

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Dear NBB,

 

I'm out of the game man. I've got a woman who puts up with my bullshit and that's hard for me to replace. I'm not exactly Johnnie Walker Coolguy, and I fucking hate the bachelor lifestyle. So I probably wouldn't do any of that handjob texting on a plane, because with my luck I'd get caught, and end up on every nationally syndicated news program as the guy who got arrested for shooting semen across an isle that ends up on an elderly woman's forehead. It ain't worth it!

 

Instead I'll just send random messages to random seats saying "do you smell that? was that you?"

 

Your's immaturely,

Earl

 

 

 

 

Dear redeyedanimal,

 

Thanks for the support. I was joking about that, thinking nobody would donate, but now you got me thinking!

 

Broke as a joke,

Earl

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