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deznatori

Self reflection (kinda long)

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Okay I just dropped in on the Slayer show after work and saw a man dying in his own filth. The guy got beat up inside. He was sitting outside the doors were he had lost control of his bowels. His neck was broken and he was said to be internally bleeding. Cops everywhere, firetruck, ambulance, ghetto bird flying with its light on the front of the establishment. As I looked at him in the door. I had no remorse for the man. No speck of sorrow. I just looked at him as he was dying infront of me. Have I been that desensitized to the violent nature of society? A man sits, bleeding, smelling of his own waste and all I do is look. Inside I almost feel a chuckle rising. As the thought of "Damn, you got knocked the fuck out" rolls through. I don't know if the man will die in the hospital tonight. And I sit here and wonder do I really care to know. Do I see the life of another that meaningless. Someone close to me dies and I am in darkest sorrow. Yet when I don't know them it seems as though their life isn't anything. He could be a father or someones brother. What about his family? The grief they will incur. What of his friends? I look at these things and feel nothing. Like a frigid mass has engulfed my heart and feeling. I don't exactly know why I just do.

 

Oh and by the way Slayer was great. They seemed to play a little slow but I enjoyed them very much.

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i teeter back and forth between thinking all life is precious, and all life is expendable. some days i care about everyone, other days i honestly think i could shrug off my own mothers death as being 'part of life, fuck it.' in a sick sort of way, im almost excited for the day when i am faced with death close to me, just to see how i will react. not that i want anyone to die, but i do realize its part of life. im interested in seeing if all the shit ive read, thought and come to understand as truth, really is worth a damn.

 

i know thats not exactly what your talking about, but its the closest i could muster up...

 

on a more personal note, i think the people your around and the climate in your area dont do much to help you be empathetic towards much... i mean, dibbs is a fucking maniac. a good friend, but a maniac none the less. when you hang out with people that hit cows with sledgehammers, you cant help but lose a little part of your soul as well...

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Yeah they don't help it much. The sledgehammer thing was taken from another movie. But I guess it is pretty much the same thing as crushing a mans skull with the bottom of your shoe after you've knocked him out. You know the good measure shot. Or seeing someone beat with bats and dumped behind a dumpster. Agreed Dibbs is a good freind and probably legally nuts. But there are a bunch of worse people I know and chill with.

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Guest imported_Tesseract

curiosity always seems to be a more honest feeling than sympathy.

I often think about that stuff, i realised that people may just seem to me like plain units of this world. I dont find it bad not to care about the death of someone i never knew, as i'm not extremely happy when i hear a child is born. Kinda like the AIM buddylist, when you add someone, you add a 'buddy' when you remove, you remove an 'item'...funny shit huh?

But then again, the things we do to ourselves in order to be 'realistic' often leads to us being 'cynical'. Its a very thin line as i see it, to maintain something 'human' on you, a warm feeling about things around.

I sometimes envy people who can get intense feelings about such things you speak of, maybe they're healthy. Mentally or socially, i cant really decide.

 

On a sidenote, i think that the above are the reason i enjoy so much war films

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as soon as you realize how full of shit the world is, you become a cynic. whether it's about death, love, gardening. i used to sit back with my friends in middle school and watch faces of death and laugh my ass off. those people's pain and suffering, their families pain and suffering, meant absolutely nothing to me. they stilll mean nothing to me. i've had family die and just kinda shrugged it off, like seeking said, as "part of life". The strange thing is, when my dog died about 5 years ago, i fucking sobbed. i don't think it's damaging to see death as "just something that happens" with no remorse. You see and hear about it all the time so you make something out of it. It's alot like comedy. Different deaths are like different skits or jokes. some are funny and some make you want to change the channel. I don't have any death wishes but i envy newly dead people. They get lots of attention and emotion. More so then any one person will probably get in life. that's that.

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I think our reactions to death have a direct connection to our current feelings on our personal death. This is confusing, but if you are at a point in your life where you are uncomfortable with your own demise you are probably more emphatic to others. If however you are on top of the world with no cares in the world, the death of a stranger probably won't have the same impact.

 

But I am very cynical and getting more so, by the minute.

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