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seeking

not drinking is hard (and other tales of self sabotage and failure)

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i quit drinking october 31st, 2001. i dont remember the date as some sort of badge of pride, i remember because i was super fucking drunk the night before, and well, it's halloween, which makes it easy. i won't get into the reasons, but it's the second time i'd 'quit' (the first was 7 years prior), and it has everything to do with mental/health shit.

bottom line is that i have a drinking problem, or maybe i have a life problem, that seems to express itself through drinking (however you want to view it). i like myself better when i'm drunk. i'm more relaxed, more entertaining, more fun to be around... those who were here back so many years ago may recall my 'seeks is drunk at work again' posts, where i, among other things, began insisting that everyone refer to me as 'yellow man' or 'chainsaw'. another time i got drunk and meticulously documented the process of doing accupuncture on myself with needles i'd stolen from my dr. that was a good one. basically i just drank all day everyday. rarely to the point of being unable to talk or walk, but just a nice constant sort of drizz. unfortunately you can't really live like that. i mean, you can, but eventually it catches up with you. due to my (seemingly) excessive poor luck, it tends to catch up with me quickly. i know plenty of people who are functioning alcoholics, but unfortunately, i'm not one of them. at a certain point i completely break down, turn into a paranoid shell of a human being and lock myself in my room for months at a time. that shit is bad for business (as they say).

 

fast forward nearly 5 years and i'm sitting at dinner tonight with a friend who is drinking red wine. i take a sip. i take another sip. i take another. i know full well that i'm pretty much playing with fire by doing so, but i just can't stop myself. there's a weird numbness that comes over my body. a sort of warm tingly feeling that i can't help but want more of. luckily she only had one glass, and after it was gone, i couldn't get anymore, but it was enough to make me realize that no matter how long i'm sober, the shit doesn't get any fucking easier. or if easier, it doesn't ever go away. there's always this giant part of me that wishes more than anything that i could just drink everything away. the thing is, my life isn't altogether terrible. i have an awesome job, good friends, blah blah, but theres just something in side of me that still feels that the bottom of a bottle is a better place to be. as cliche and pathetic as that is, it's also the fucking truth. quitting drinking is the hardest thing i've ever had to do, and even after 12 years, i'm still fucking failing.

 

i dont know what the point of this thread is. it's really not in tune with the current theme of ch0. there is no squirting, no eels or owls...i don't know. it probably would have been better suited for a myspace blog, but since i'm not a faggot, eff all that.

 

in other, semi related news, the girl who gave me the wine also had the horrible judgement to give me a bottle of tylenol 3's and oxycodone too.

so, um, how much is 5mg?

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I feel this, there are points in my life where I'm thinking to myself, "my mom is an addict, my brother is an addict, uncle is an addict, my grandma smokes weed and gives me cough syrup with codine in it if I'm sick... Maybe I should rethink this drinking all the time thing."

 

But alot of stories I hear about why people quit, it usually involves some horrible decision they made, or some action they took that they regretted. Honestly the worst thing I've ever done drunk was hook up with some suspect bitches. This may not be 100% true, I have said some things I've regretted while drunk, I made of managed to push away a girl I really liked because of things I said while I was drunk, but my personality is, that I most likely would of done it sober eventually anyway. Drinking just speeds that up...

 

I don't have a horrible time when I'm drinking, I usually am with people I trust and who I am very comfortable with when I'm drinking, which helps alot I'm sure. That said, I do drink everyday, if I don't drink for more than a day or two I get super itchy about it. I know I have some sort of problem, but (not to sound cliche) I think if you're the type of person who does graffiti, actually does it, consistantly, all the time, or at least has done it like that in the past, you're more prone to have an addictive personality.

 

I can't deny that I get a rush when I paint that's like being on drugs. I know that's a played out way of putting it, but it's true. It's a rush that I can't get over. Even right now, I'm being investigated, and I can't stop myself from doing at least something each and every day, even if it's just stickers. I know I'm being investigated, they told me when I went to jail to try to scare me into dropping dimes, so I figure I need to keep myself buzzed so I don't get the itch to go out and paint.

 

I've always been like that though, in school I used to have to read books constantly though class to avoid talking shit to the teachers. When I live in LA I don't paint, too hard, too big, so I skated alot, and if I couldn't skate, I needed to drink, or my brain would go nuts. Now that I'm back in the bay, I need to drink to keep myself from painting all the time.

 

I've had my share of drunk threads on this, usually most my posts I'm in one form of inebriation or another, I'm pretty good about it. I just have that point that if I pass it, I'll keep going until there is nothing left, whether that be conciousness or alcohol. I have a friend or three that's like this, and it probobly doesn't help, but it's nice to have a peer group.

 

So until I do that one thing that really sets it in my mind that I need to quit, I'll keep drinking.

 

-EBPH

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i didn't have any 'one' thing. it wasnt who i was when drunk that was the problem, it's who i am that's the problem. its how i grew up, the things ive seen, the things i know. i dont know. i wish i had something to drink right now. im trying to stay away from the pills for the night. i'm not some low budget junkie, i just like to not be here sometimes.

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what's the matter, you still mad cause you're paintings suck and no one on ebay gives a shit about you? waaaahhhh.

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I feel you Seeking. Thats the hardest thing about life is having to re learn the same fucking lessons over and over again.

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i feel ya seeks. i've been pretty sober for a few months now for financial and personal reasons, with the occasional smashing here and there. but it's definately tough. there are times that i would kill a motherfucker for a shot of tequila. it's hard work

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I hate whining, even online, but I will say this. For me it's not about needing to get drunk per say, it's just that sometimes I'm pretty sure I hate myself and I'd rather get drunk and smile easier than think about why.

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alcohol is like uh heroin for the soul. i mean it's the shit. but like my pappy says you should have everything in moderation. or semi moderation is my addition to that

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seeks.. i can't really say what thats like... but if you made this far..why stop now. I probably should cut down/stop on the drinking... but I haven't quite got that far yet because some of things you mentioned... it makes me just feel more comfortable all around.. relaxed, more social.. you know the whole nine.. i mean its pretty much how i interact socially..

 

but I am still trying to cut back... even bought some damn book on "moderation" because I believe addiction is more times about self control than about a "disease",so i figure moderation is a possibility.. but sometimes now I start to doubt myself about that.

 

but shit we'll see.. as soon as fall is over.. and after I have that one function, and then my friends wedding...then after i go back to the parents and the hometown for xmas..and then after the new years parties..and then the superbowl..and valentines day, and my birthday...the trip to italy, and after the summer bbqs..well damn, the whole list starts again and i haven;t stopped drinking. oh well.. i guess i'll be a functioning alchie for now.

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I tried to give up drinking for a month towards the begining of the year. I wasn't an alcoholic (not even close) but I was drinking around 4/5 night a week. The problem was not the regualrity of my drinking but the amount I would put away, I would run a very fine line between beng a funny sociable drunk, to being a complete nightmare. People started distancing themselves from me on nights out, and then it got to the stage where I would not be invited at all.

I managed to obstain for about a week, which to be honest, left me quite dissapointed in myself. But it did really wake me up into realising that I needed to exhibit some self control whilst I was out. Since then I have been much, much better. I know what I cant drink and if that's the only option I don't.

 

I think it all obviously comes down to will power, and will power alone. And to be honest I think you have done fucking well to stay off the sauce for five years, that's something I could never do.

 

Good luck for the future.

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