seeking Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 i quit drinking october 31st, 2001. i dont remember the date as some sort of badge of pride, i remember because i was super fucking drunk the night before, and well, it's halloween, which makes it easy. i won't get into the reasons, but it's the second time i'd 'quit' (the first was 7 years prior), and it has everything to do with mental/health shit. bottom line is that i have a drinking problem, or maybe i have a life problem, that seems to express itself through drinking (however you want to view it). i like myself better when i'm drunk. i'm more relaxed, more entertaining, more fun to be around... those who were here back so many years ago may recall my 'seeks is drunk at work again' posts, where i, among other things, began insisting that everyone refer to me as 'yellow man' or 'chainsaw'. another time i got drunk and meticulously documented the process of doing accupuncture on myself with needles i'd stolen from my dr. that was a good one. basically i just drank all day everyday. rarely to the point of being unable to talk or walk, but just a nice constant sort of drizz. unfortunately you can't really live like that. i mean, you can, but eventually it catches up with you. due to my (seemingly) excessive poor luck, it tends to catch up with me quickly. i know plenty of people who are functioning alcoholics, but unfortunately, i'm not one of them. at a certain point i completely break down, turn into a paranoid shell of a human being and lock myself in my room for months at a time. that shit is bad for business (as they say). fast forward nearly 5 years and i'm sitting at dinner tonight with a friend who is drinking red wine. i take a sip. i take another sip. i take another. i know full well that i'm pretty much playing with fire by doing so, but i just can't stop myself. there's a weird numbness that comes over my body. a sort of warm tingly feeling that i can't help but want more of. luckily she only had one glass, and after it was gone, i couldn't get anymore, but it was enough to make me realize that no matter how long i'm sober, the shit doesn't get any fucking easier. or if easier, it doesn't ever go away. there's always this giant part of me that wishes more than anything that i could just drink everything away. the thing is, my life isn't altogether terrible. i have an awesome job, good friends, blah blah, but theres just something in side of me that still feels that the bottom of a bottle is a better place to be. as cliche and pathetic as that is, it's also the fucking truth. quitting drinking is the hardest thing i've ever had to do, and even after 12 years, i'm still fucking failing. i dont know what the point of this thread is. it's really not in tune with the current theme of ch0. there is no squirting, no eels or owls...i don't know. it probably would have been better suited for a myspace blog, but since i'm not a faggot, eff all that. in other, semi related news, the girl who gave me the wine also had the horrible judgement to give me a bottle of tylenol 3's and oxycodone too. so, um, how much is 5mg? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GLIK$ Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 i already told you dude, youre set. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SUR X3 Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 I feel this, there are points in my life where I'm thinking to myself, "my mom is an addict, my brother is an addict, uncle is an addict, my grandma smokes weed and gives me cough syrup with codine in it if I'm sick... Maybe I should rethink this drinking all the time thing." But alot of stories I hear about why people quit, it usually involves some horrible decision they made, or some action they took that they regretted. Honestly the worst thing I've ever done drunk was hook up with some suspect bitches. This may not be 100% true, I have said some things I've regretted while drunk, I made of managed to push away a girl I really liked because of things I said while I was drunk, but my personality is, that I most likely would of done it sober eventually anyway. Drinking just speeds that up... I don't have a horrible time when I'm drinking, I usually am with people I trust and who I am very comfortable with when I'm drinking, which helps alot I'm sure. That said, I do drink everyday, if I don't drink for more than a day or two I get super itchy about it. I know I have some sort of problem, but (not to sound cliche) I think if you're the type of person who does graffiti, actually does it, consistantly, all the time, or at least has done it like that in the past, you're more prone to have an addictive personality. I can't deny that I get a rush when I paint that's like being on drugs. I know that's a played out way of putting it, but it's true. It's a rush that I can't get over. Even right now, I'm being investigated, and I can't stop myself from doing at least something each and every day, even if it's just stickers. I know I'm being investigated, they told me when I went to jail to try to scare me into dropping dimes, so I figure I need to keep myself buzzed so I don't get the itch to go out and paint. I've always been like that though, in school I used to have to read books constantly though class to avoid talking shit to the teachers. When I live in LA I don't paint, too hard, too big, so I skated alot, and if I couldn't skate, I needed to drink, or my brain would go nuts. Now that I'm back in the bay, I need to drink to keep myself from painting all the time. I've had my share of drunk threads on this, usually most my posts I'm in one form of inebriation or another, I'm pretty good about it. I just have that point that if I pass it, I'll keep going until there is nothing left, whether that be conciousness or alcohol. I have a friend or three that's like this, and it probobly doesn't help, but it's nice to have a peer group. So until I do that one thing that really sets it in my mind that I need to quit, I'll keep drinking. -EBPH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metronome Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 5mg? two pills would be fine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seeking Posted September 19, 2006 Author Share Posted September 19, 2006 i didn't have any 'one' thing. it wasnt who i was when drunk that was the problem, it's who i am that's the problem. its how i grew up, the things ive seen, the things i know. i dont know. i wish i had something to drink right now. im trying to stay away from the pills for the night. i'm not some low budget junkie, i just like to not be here sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Verbal Kint Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 http://www.aa.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Verbal Kint Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 or alcoholicsanonymous.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Verbal Kint Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 or just stop being such a simp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seeking Posted September 19, 2006 Author Share Posted September 19, 2006 what's the matter, you still mad cause you're paintings suck and no one on ebay gives a shit about you? waaaahhhh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Removed Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 I feel you Seeking. Thats the hardest thing about life is having to re learn the same fucking lessons over and over again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abracadabra Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 i feel ya seeks. i've been pretty sober for a few months now for financial and personal reasons, with the occasional smashing here and there. but it's definately tough. there are times that i would kill a motherfucker for a shot of tequila. it's hard work Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abracadabra Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 i think my problem is i just need a regular drinking buddy. i need to find an aussie or an englishman who lives locally Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mackfatsoe Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 I hate whining, even online, but I will say this. For me it's not about needing to get drunk per say, it's just that sometimes I'm pretty sure I hate myself and I'd rather get drunk and smile easier than think about why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fatalist Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 please do stay away from the pills. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seeking Posted September 19, 2006 Author Share Posted September 19, 2006 im surprised you'd say that. if not for the pills, we never would have spoken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abracadabra Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 agreed. i really dislike pills Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V for Vagina Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Not drinking is hard.... Which is why I drink. I've had far too many nights where I can't remember what happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 alcohol is like uh heroin for the soul. i mean it's the shit. but like my pappy says you should have everything in moderation. or semi moderation is my addition to that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaolinmasta Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 I will never give up alcohol... EVER Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadawhat Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 seeks.. i can't really say what thats like... but if you made this far..why stop now. I probably should cut down/stop on the drinking... but I haven't quite got that far yet because some of things you mentioned... it makes me just feel more comfortable all around.. relaxed, more social.. you know the whole nine.. i mean its pretty much how i interact socially.. but I am still trying to cut back... even bought some damn book on "moderation" because I believe addiction is more times about self control than about a "disease",so i figure moderation is a possibility.. but sometimes now I start to doubt myself about that. but shit we'll see.. as soon as fall is over.. and after I have that one function, and then my friends wedding...then after i go back to the parents and the hometown for xmas..and then after the new years parties..and then the superbowl..and valentines day, and my birthday...the trip to italy, and after the summer bbqs..well damn, the whole list starts again and i haven;t stopped drinking. oh well.. i guess i'll be a functioning alchie for now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Internerd Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skullnbones Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 This thread made me want to have a drink. That's not even wanting to be cool or anything, it really did. That's not a good thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eights Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 I tried to give up drinking for a month towards the begining of the year. I wasn't an alcoholic (not even close) but I was drinking around 4/5 night a week. The problem was not the regualrity of my drinking but the amount I would put away, I would run a very fine line between beng a funny sociable drunk, to being a complete nightmare. People started distancing themselves from me on nights out, and then it got to the stage where I would not be invited at all. I managed to obstain for about a week, which to be honest, left me quite dissapointed in myself. But it did really wake me up into realising that I needed to exhibit some self control whilst I was out. Since then I have been much, much better. I know what I cant drink and if that's the only option I don't. I think it all obviously comes down to will power, and will power alone. And to be honest I think you have done fucking well to stay off the sauce for five years, that's something I could never do. Good luck for the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
papa_dukes Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 washing the brain with a warm wave that takes away all the pain... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shitting Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 I feel depressed every time i wake up after drinking ( I rarely drink without getting semi blind). But i do love it so Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RumPuncher Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 consider this seeking, whatever problems you see in your life rigth now, would be worse if you were a drinker. All the bad decisions you've made over the past 12 years would have been made for you, by the bottle, and it would be out of your control. You have the advantage of knowing that all the fuckups and mistakes were just bad decisions, but you still got to make them youself. With me on the otehr hand, I know that booze led to almost all of my mistakes and bad memories over the past 12 years, and that I never got to 'own my choices'. You dont want to be there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Some1 Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Yea I hate when I wake up next to some chick in the morning after being blacked out...then I have to kill them regardless of if I slept with them just because I dont remember... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ViolentByDesign Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 I actually kind of feel you on that tip Seeks. When I'm sober I don't usually like interacting with people I'm not farmiliar with. Something about not knowing them makes me feel like it is a waste of time to talk to them if I may never even see them again. On top of that when I'm sober I don't like small talk too much, if your saying something that's not important to me all I can come up with is "Uh huh, yeah" for every response. Now when I get drunk I'm all smiles, talking to everyone and generally having a great time. It's just a lot easier for me to be social. I've had a number of people tell me 'I like you better when your drunk." Haha. The only thing with me is that I have really bad acid reflux and some other stomach disorder so if I drink more than a day or two in a short period of time then I'll end up having the runs every day. That is how I started with the pills. Chew up 2 xany bars to the face and I'm feeling almost identical to being drunk, without the pain of having to drink it all. They make me forget what I did the whole time on them though which sometimes sucks. The best thing I get out of drinking is the relaxation though. I think I have some sort of paranoia or anxiety because I am constantly thinking things through in my mind. I always pick out the worst possible outcome of any situation and dwell on it. Once I'm drunk, I could give two fucks what happens, and for that time I actually feel totally myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shameless self promotion Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 I have never had a drinking problem. I have had a drug problem, or still do currently although I have stopped using. I have been in some pretty shitty situations because of it, and some of them changed my view of life forever, be them bad or good... Alot of people on here have expressed the same thoughts I have on this issue in various ways, so im not going to say much more. There is a lot of things goin on around you, remember not to be so self absorbed. Fight it with every ounce in your body, find your joy, love, and hope in others. Fuck negativity.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gunm Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 I feel where you're at seeking. over the summer I pretty much cancelled out hard alcohol and relegated myself to beer and wine but man, it's like when i drink a cocktail i have a real urge to wanna have another and another. Hard alcohol is a dangerous thing for me....it makes me think crazy and something like "Hey Lens, i saw your ex at the (insert show here) last night" is enough to let my mind run rampant and before I know it I might be going nuts with some runaway scenario ripping itself outta my brain. But some girl gave me a HUGE bottle of adivan last week and frankly, it's done wonders for me and my mental state. I liked reading your post Seeking...never any bullshit coming from you.........most of the time that is Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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