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50 ways to get fired from work

madsencarl

By madsencarl
in Channel Zero

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madsencarl

madsencarl

Posted
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50. The Auctioneer

Sell office items on ebay. "Hey Mr. Jones, I need your chair. Some guy in Boston bought it for 85 bucks... You believe that? Don't worry; I'll cut you in. How's 80/20 sound? It's only fair since I did the all work."

 

49. The Cookout

Cook your lunch on a charcoal grill you brought into your cubicle. Slaughtering the pig at your desk before you fabricate and cook it, wouldn't hurt either.

 

48. The Happy Birthday

When a birthday card is being passed around the office to be signed, instead of signing “Happy Birthday”, sign, “I will taste your flesh.”

 

47. The J - E - W

When your boss enters your office while you are on the phone, quickly wrap up the call with, “I'm gonna have to call you later. The J - E - W is back.”

 

46. The Worm

Store live bait in the refrigerator with a price tag. When confronted, ask how much they want. Then when they insist you remove it, deny having put it there, and get angry at the implication.

 

45. The Dreamcatcher

Send out a play-by-play email detailing the dream you had about Suzy the temp, the boss' teenage daughter and your ex-girlfriend. The more descriptive and lewd the details the better. Make sure to focus how depraved the boss' daughter was.

 

44. The Material Girl

Tape the paper cones from the water cooler onto your chest and sing "Material Girl" at the top of your lungs into a stapler. Refuse to stop.

 

43. The Switcheroo

Repeatedly change your boss' homepage to farmgirls.com, and then put a repair request into the IT department from his email.

 

42. The Ma Fratelli

Take whatever money you have in your pocket and make B&W copies of the bills on the office copy machine while laughing manically and repeating, “It’s too fucking easy…”

 

41. The Elephant

Walk around the office with your pockets out and your cock dangling from your open zipper. When confronted, make an elephant noise and then chase them around screaming, "STAMPEDE" and laughing hysterically.

 

40. The Sex Chair

 

 

Insist your coworkers smell your chair, repeatedly saying that it smells like sex. Constantly comment about how hard it is to concentrate with the sweet smell of sex in the air.

Having an erection the whole time really sells this one.

 

39. The Racist

When your office manager posts the State affirmative action laws, saunter over to them, read them out loud, stopping to laugh after each, then turn around and say quite loudly, "Yeah right. We'd be outta business in a month.”

 

38. The Halloween Boss

On Halloween, come in piss drunk and dressed like your boss (doesn't matter man or woman). Walk around the office slurring your words and repeatedly insist, "I am the boss! Look at me!" Be sure to piss yourself and fire anyone who crosses you.

 

37. The Resume Shocker

Print out your resume on the office printer and leave it there. Next to your current job, list your duties as “two in the pink, one in the stink.”

 

36. The Old 86er

When a woman in the office takes orders for Girl Scout cookies, put down “86” by your name. Then when the order for 86 boxes of cookies comes in, look confused and tell her that you were just “86”ing the idea that you'd buy Girl Scout cookies from her daughter. Then tell her that the wrinkles around her eyes are making her look old.

 

35. The Health Plan Brunch

When the company is having a doughnut brunch to explain their new health insurance plan, ask, “So, which STDs are covered by this policy? Does a new outbreak of herpes count as a pre-existing condition? What if it's a form of hepatitis that is not currently found in the USA, but you can only get it from Russian prisons and Malaysian teen prostitutes? You know, that kind that causes the pus blisters on your hands? What would be my deductible?” Then touch everybody’s doughnuts.

 

34. The Jesus Hates Vending Machines

Punch a hole through the vending machine and steal all the candy. When they ask you why you did it, tell them you had a very good reason: you killed the vending machine because it was a homosexual.

 

33. The Three's Company

Tell your boss that you’re the star of the company, and you demand 10% of the gross profits, and they could never continue without you.

 

32. The Baby Talker

Communicate with your coworkers only in baby talk. "Baby wanna status report... aww goochie goochie. Baby smells poopy."

 

31. The Scalper

Send out an e-mail asking "Is there anyone that would like Free tickets to tonight’s NBA Game?" Reply to all inquiries with "Yeah, me too"

 

30. The Dartboard

Hang a dartboard up and in the center of it, hang a photo of an underwear model from the Sears catalog. Title the photo your boss' little package.

 

29. The Skeptic

Anytime you are in a meeting, raise your hand and and ask your boss, "What makes you so smart?" or "How’d you figure that Einstein?" or "You come up with that all by yourself, champ?"

 

28. The Sales Opportunity

If someone tries soliciting candy for one of their kid's fund raising endeavors, just tell them the following, "No thanks, but have your kid talk to me if they want to make some "REAL money." Then just sit there rubbing your lap over and over smiling.

 

27. The Prank Page

 

 

Make prank calls to the receptionist and have her page you for a phone call. Then hang up. Immediately call back and call her an incompetent whore. When she pages you again, hang up. Then go up to the front and scream at her in person. After you slap her around a bit, let her in on the joke.

 

26. The Diaper

Brag about how much more work you've gotten done since you started wearing Depends. Lie down on top of your desk and change yourself periodically throughout the day. Talk to yourself in the baby voice while you do it, "You are a good boy. A BIG boy too. Look at you." Leave the soiled diapers in your regular trash.

 

25. The Takagi

Tell your boss you hope he gets "Takagi-ed" one of these days. When he finds out what this means, you'll be on your way.

 

24. The Birthday Dick

 

 

For your boss' birthday get him a cake that reads, "Happy Birthday Dick." Explain that it was a mix up at the bakery. Then write "Happy Birthday Dick" on his card.

 

If his name is actually Dick, get a cake that says, "Happy Birthday Vagina."

 

23. The Christmas Gift

Give the hottest girl in the office a crotchless teddy for Christmas, and give everyone else a photo of you masturbating.

 

22. The Email Guy

The next time you get a phone call, smash your phone to pieces on your desk. If anybody questions it say, “I'm more of an email guy”.

 

21. The Tattoo

Get a giant tattoo of the boss' naked wife on your chest. The show it off to her at the Christmas party.

 

20. The Most Annoying Thing of All Time

Do not leave any room, at any time, without first saying, "Seacrest Out."

 

19. The Windowless Van

Tell your secretary that the only way she can keep her job is "if you touch me where my bathing suit goes." Then asker if she wants to see the airbrushed desert mural on your conversion van.

 

18. The Moviefone Guy

If you’re working as an operator for 911, answer all your calls in the Moviefone guy voice. "Hello, and thank you for calling 911. What is your emergency? For murder, press one. For a house fire press two. For car accident press three. For all other emergencies, press 5." Then transfer them to Moviefone.

 

17. The Wet Nurse

Breast-feeding your co-workers is NEVER acceptable. I know, strange, but true.

 

16. The Valet

 

 

Park your car in your cubicle.

 

15. The Turbo and Ozone

Set a fire. Then breakdance. When they ask you why you're break dancing, say that the sign said “In case of fire, break dance.” When they tell you that the sign actually said, “In case of fire, break glass,” tell them you panicked because of the fire.

 

14. The Fredo

Arrive at work early and hide under your boss' desk. When the boss arrives, do nothing but hide for the first three hours. Then roll up his pants so slowly he doesn't notice. Then lick his shin. After he finishes freaking out and asks you what the hell you're doing, tell him that he's crazy, and that you have no idea what he’s talking about. Do the “screws loose” gesture with your hands, and then kiss him on the mouth and say, "You broke my heart."

 

13. The Cotton Mouth

Stare at your coworkers and lick your lips sensually. Do this until someone asks you what your problem is. Then, matter of factly explain that your mouth is dry because of all the "nose candy."

 

12. The Breath Police

Interrupting the managing director's morning monologue by making a police siren sound at the top your lungs. Then say, "Breath Police... I don't mean to be mean, but someone needs some Listerine! You're stank mouth is kickin' up a gail in this muthafucker."

 

11. The Come On Down

Bring a little television into your cubicle and watch the Price is Right everyday, cheering loudly. Be sure to call bullshit when you guess wrong, and insist you could get that item cheaper at any grocery store in America.

 

10. The Lunch Break

Announce that it is time for lunch, then pull out a bottle of bourbon and a bong.

 

9. The Candy Dish

Replace the candy bowl on your desk with one full of condoms and a sign that says, "Hot Bitches Only!"

 

8. The Water Closet Reporter

 

 

Every time you return from the bathroom give a detailed update about your activities. Digital photos are a nice touch too.

 

7. The Caribbean Flu

Call in sick for a week with the "Caribbean Flu." Then return with the deepest tan imaginable.

 

6. The Korean Niece

On bring your daughter to work day, bring a Korean whore and tell everybody she's your “niece.” Then engage in deviant sex with her on top of your desk.

 

5. The Hasselhoff

 

 

Explain that where you come from, a Speedo and an unbuttoned shirt is considered "business casual."

 

4. The Finger Licking Good

Whenever you leave the employee bathroom, rather than washing your hands, lick your fingers like you just had a delicious meal.

 

3. The Movie Critic

Show up to the office covered in blood. Casually ask around if anyone has ever seen a movie where someone had to dispose of a dead hobo, and how it worked out for them in the end.

 

2. The Roman Helmet

Nail the Boss's daughter... To a cross.

 

1. The Creepy Laugher

Spend all day surfing funny websites and trying to hide your laughter from your coworkers who hate you because they are doing real work.

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