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  • 4 months later...

So I watched this last night. Overall it was pretty average, but two points worth mentioning:

 

1) I fucking love the HD look. It's really jarring at first but after a while I'm sucked in. "Apocalypto" was the same.

 

2) Niggas getting sniped at the beginning = the money shot. Unfortunately it comes in the first 15 minutes and nothing else in the movie afterwards lives up to it, even if it lasts like 10 seconds at most. It's seriously one of those shots that elevates cinema a few notches. I can't believe more people aren't talking about it, cause it made my jaw drop the same way the bullet-dodging scene in the Matrix did.

 

You can watch the scene here, but trust me it isn't the same on a big screen with a good sound system (you can barely hear it in that clip) where you can feel the full thump from the sniper rifles. In one of the extra features Michael Mann described the purpose of that scene as "being able to show the authority of this caliber ammunition", and dude fucking nailed it.

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Predator had sex with the Last of the Mohicans. 9 months later, you get Apocalypto.

 

If that sounds interesting, you might like it. I thought it was pretty dope, but it's just a really standard action movie set in a wild location. It could be a DVD rental save for the aforementioned HD quality of it, it just looks spectacular on a big screen. It feels cheap for a second at first, like you're seeing a big budget soap opera, the way everything looks so crisp and movement is extra smooth, but after a while you're in there with the fucking indians running around.

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Yeah, there isn't much of a plot. The movie's basically one very long chase scene, well shot, well paced, and that's about it. Anything involving some sort of commentary or general statement barely registers, which is why I think it's funny how so much people are in uproar discussing it. It could have been set in modern times, ancient Rome, with vikings, feudal Japan, whatever. Being set in a Mayan environment doesn't make a lick of difference except in the absolutely amazing production design.

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Niggas getting sniped at the beginning = the money shot. Unfortunately it comes in the first 15 minutes and nothing else in the movie afterwards lives up to it, even if it lasts like 10 seconds at most. It's seriously one of those shots that elevates cinema a few notches. I can't believe more people aren't talking about it, cause it made my jaw drop the same way the bullet-dodging scene in the Matrix did.

.

 

for real, that shit was bad ass. rest of the movie was wack.

 

 

 

 

but i'm actually watching the miami vice tv show pilot right now.

 

its better than the movie.

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You can watch the scene here, but trust me it isn't the same on a big screen with a good sound system (you can barely hear it in that clip) where you can feel the full thump from the sniper rifles. In one of the extra features Michael Mann described the purpose of that scene as "being able to show the authority of this caliber ammunition", and dude fucking nailed it.

 

The computer must be robbing me of a dickload because I really don't see what's so awesome about that scene.

 

Not to sound like a dick... I just... don't... see it.

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The computer must be robbing me of a dickload because I really don't see what's so awesome about that scene.

 

Not to sound like a dick... I just... don't... see it.

 

Yeah, it really isn't the same on a tiny youtube clip. But in bigass HD with the subwoofer pounding out those sniper shots, it's one of the most intense things I've ever seen.

 

Maybe I am making a big deal of it, but I don't think I've ever seen anything like that before in a film. The way it was shot in super slo-mo, where you can see the trajectory of the individual shots (one shot blasts through the back of the passenger seat right after blowing the driver's arm clean off), and the hands and bodies still reacting and twitching lifelike, it's crazy realistic. Even the way the camera shakes with each blast is awesome. And finally, since it was acquired in HD, you can see every tiny little bit of debris flying around without the softening of film, no CGI-debris needed.

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Miami Vice: Worst movie ever?

 

 

Ricardo Tubbs and Sonny Crockett walk like thugs through the streets of South America.

 

 

I'll agree that "worst movie ever" is a pretty harsh phrase, but this movie was darn close. Poor dialogue, lack of expected action, unnecessary sex followed by unnecessary sex, and many minutes of silence made Miami Vice one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

 

Let me start this off by saying the following: don't go see this movie. Don't. I have never watched a full episode of the television series Miami Vice and cannot really compare this movie to the series, but as a movie watcher - I would not recommend this film.

 

I went into the movie with extremely low expectations, and I was still disappointed. I'm not one for those cars, guns, and girls movies, but I wouldn't have minded much if Miami Vice could fulfil that role, which is what I expected. Sadly, it couldn't even just be a "good" bad movie... it was a bad bad movie.

 

If there was a decent, understandable plot, I would share it with you, the reader, but I find it hard to figure out what the central theme of this movie was. All I can tell you is this: a gang of white supremacists killed a friend of the two main characters, Sonny Crockett (Colin Farrell) and Ricardo Tubbs (Jamie Foxx). The goal was to get back at these drug traffickers. To do so, Sonny and Rico apparently had to go all over Central and South America making deals involving cocaine and having sex in every shower. While on that topic, there were two, yes TWO, sex-in-a-shower scenes. I really thought I had a horrible case of déjà vu.

 

Anyway, there's really no point in explaining the plot. I hadn't seen many previews of the film, so I didn't know what to expect. I was thinking it was going to be set in the 1980s, as was the original series. My first view of Colin Farrell's character, Sonny, seemingly confirmed this, but wrongfully so. His pseudo-mullet and horrible goatee made me feel like I was going back in time for this movie. But then I realized what music was playing in the background - "Numb/Encore" by Jay-Z and Linkin Park. Apparently goatees lie, this film is set in the present. Anybody can guess what followed: Sonny and Rico pretended to be drug traffickers, got close to the "bad guys," had some love interests, got stabbed in the back, had a big gunfight, and, in the end, got out victorious and unscratched. I'll focus on why this movie was so horrible, instead:

 

Probability is like gravity. You can't negotiate with gravity.

 

That was the most profound statement in the entire movie. I know. The dialogue in this movie was extremely simple, extremely boring, and extremely horrible. The speaking itself was very long and exaggerated, but to add to this, there were huge strings of silence in almost every speech. Awkward moments such as staring or very strange camera movements made me, and the rest of us in the theater, uncomfortable, to say the least. There was one speech in particular that had me cringing - Jamie Foxx, Tubbs, was trying to act tough, pointing his finger at José "Cochi Loco" Yero, a drug trafficking "boss," making demands... I can't remember the exact words delivered, but it gave me the most awkward feeling I've ever felt watching a movie - even worse than the dialogue of O'Halloran in Clerks II! To top it off, one of the main "bad guys," (actually, a bad gal, if you will), Isabella, could hardly speak English. I understand that the role of Isabella was to be played as an Asian woman capable of speaking Spanish, but English should have been a prerequisite as well, since that was her main form of communication (which she did not succeed at). José the trafficker was easier to understand even with all of the "mang"s he was throwing around.

 

As I stated before, I didn't expect much depth to this movie - I thought it would be what the advertisements portrayed it as... a guns, cars, drugs movie. It didn't even live up to this low expectation. Guns - there were plenty of them, but not enough good scenes with them. The final gunfight was probably the best scene, but that's not saying much. Cars - Sonny and Rico sported a Ferrari, which was only seen in one or two parts of the movie. Right when I saw blue flames coming out of the exhaust of that Ferrari, I knew what kind of a movie I was in for. The dialogue which proceeded confirmed my assumption.

 

I don't know how much more needs to be said. This film was horrible, and I feel sorry for Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx. Michael Mann robbed me of $8.50, and I will never forget it. If you want something decent, go find something else in the theaters. If you want to see something @!$%#ty with a hint of titty, go watch Miami Vice... but don't say I didn't warn you!

 

UPDATE: I can't believe I forgot to talk about the music! It was pretty good at times, especially the Cuban scenes. But the strange variety really made the soundtrack feel like a horrible mish-mash. They should have stuck with one theme, and Cuban music would have been great. Unfortunately, such music as gospel and Audioslave appeared from time to time (Audioslave more than anything). Also, during a dance scene in Cuba, the music that the band in the club was playing suddenly faded out and some very strange music faded in... it was just too much for me.

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