Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
Sign in to follow this  
dik.n.ur.ear

what we've learned from porn

Recommended Posts

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women make noise..

11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted).

16. Double penetration makes a woman smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend doesn't knock the shit out of you if you shove your dick in his girlfriends mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches....or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's dick, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a dick there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

:D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i would say one thing your forgot is that women always seem pleasd when a man just puts in in their ass without asking, and it never actually hurts women, they just love it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Verk

lets not forget!!

 

women love to expeirment with each other when bored!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by dr. frink one

i would say one thing your forgot is that women always seem pleasd when a man just puts in in their ass without asking, and it never actually hurts women, they just love it.

 

Hahaha whats with you and ass sex??

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

Not only that but they will repeatedly say "Cum on my face" while your already 1 1/2 inches away from her face jacking off with it aimed at her nose.

 

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

I think I'm going to join the California Highway Patrol

 

11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

I still can't. Cop the Pornosonic album for some mood music.

 

24. Women never have headaches....or periods.

Those are called blowjob weeks.

 

How many times does a guy say "Oh babbee, Oh Babbee!"???:king:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Outta the way, Scalawag comin' through with the goods. I think the Asian man one was the funniest....I wonder if fried rice affects your sexual performance...?

 

WhenOne: Could you explain to me again what a "Dirty Sanchez" is, it sounds familiar.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

a dirty sanchez, as i've been told, is when you do a girl in the ass and then put it in her mouth after, thus giving her a "dirty sanchez" moustache.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by Pistol

 

24. Women never have headaches....or periods.

Those are called blowjob weeks.

OR if I don't get any, neither do you week

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by garcia_vega

a dirty sanchez, as i've been told, is when you do a girl in the ass and then put it in her mouth after, thus giving her a "dirty sanchez" moustache.

 

no, its when you stick a finger in her ass, then whipe it across her top lip, thus giving her a mustache...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest --zeSto--

damn Lush that's harsh!

 

they forgot the one...

 

Women are abjects made for fucking. That is their sole purpose. Fuck away.:rolleyes:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by seeking innocence

 

no, its when you stick a finger in her ass, then whipe it across her top lip, thus giving her a mustache...

 

Mmmm...the doodie stache....maybe that's where that "It's your upper lip" thing came from...yes?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Dusty Lipschitz

just because i happen to be a good friend of mr. sanchez...

 

The Dirty Sanchez, Etc.

 

Here is a fairly extensive compilation of some of the

extraordinary sexual activities that can be performed by men:

 

1. Hot Lunch - While receiving head from a woman, you proceed

to shit on her chest. (A.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)

 

2. The Stranger - Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep

and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

 

3. Western Grip- When jerking off, turn your hand around, so

that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use.

Hence, western.

 

4. The Blumpkin- You need to find a real tramp to do this

right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

 

5. Donkey Punch - Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.

 

6. Golden Shower - Any form of pissing all over a chick (a.k.a.- watersports)

 

7. Pearl Necklace - Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.

 

8. Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must

gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.

 

9. Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to purple mushroom.

 

10. The Flying Camel - A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl, much like a coyote. Strictly a class move.

 

11. Fishhook - A variation of the shocker in which you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.

 

12. The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.

 

13. Bismarck- This is another one involving oral sex. Right before you are about to cum, you pull out, shooting your load all over her face. Follow that with a punch and smear the blood and cum together.

 

14. Jelly Dougnut: A derivation of the Bismark. All you have to do is punch her in the nose while you are getting head.

 

15. The Woody Woodpecker: When a girl is sucking on your balls, tap the head of your cock on her forehead.

 

16. Dog in a Bathtub - This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

 

17. Tossing Salad - Another prison act where one person is forced to basically chow asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e. Jell-O, olive oil, etc. I'm never going to prison.

 

18. Rim Job: Another name for tossing salad. Focuses on the use of the tongue.

 

19. The Bucking Bronco- An all time classic. You start by going

doggy style on a girl and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits or hips as tightly as possible and call her a big fat no-good worthless slob. More than likely, she will try to escape. This will give you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.

 

20. Pink glove - This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

 

21. The Fountain of You - While sitting on her face and having

her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed).

 

22. New York Style Taco - Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you boot on her box. Happy trails.

 

23. The Dirty Sanchez - A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert Your finger into said woman's asshole, pull it out, wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin, shit moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name would be Dirty Sanchez.

 

24. The Fish Eye - From behind, you shove your finger in her ass (or his if you are in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.

 

25. Tuna Melt - You're down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just happens to be the time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry

smothers your face.

 

26. Fur Ball - You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's Afro, when a mammoth fur ball gets lodged in your throat and causes you to beat the piss out of her.

 

27. The ChiliDog - You take a shit on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

 

28. Gaylord Perry: Going to only one knuckle during an anal probe is for wimps. Make this famous knuckle ball pitcher proud and use multiple knuckles on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of two knuckles required (either on one finger or on multiple).

 

29. Rear Admiral: An absolute blast. When getting a chic from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive your hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forward. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun to have her trip on her face on the floor. You become an Admiral when you can push her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips.

 

30. Glass Bottom Boat: Putting saran wrap over your partners face and proceeding to lay a hot shit there.

 

31. Ray-Bans: Put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forhead) It may be anatomically impossible, but it is definitely worth a try.

 

32. Snowmobile: Always a blast. When getting a girl while she's on all fours, sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.

 

33. Dutch Oven: Rather simple. Whenever you bust ass while in the sack pull the covers over both of your head so she can enjoy your pork and beans as well.

 

34. The Angry Dragon - When getting a blowjob from your girl right before you blow your load, time it just right and smack your girl in the back of the head towards you and it will come out her nose.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

California Claw - Cross your arms, pinky's facing outward, and interlace your fingers. Similar to the Western Grip, but with two hands.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Register for a 12ozProphet forum account or sign in to comment

You need to be a forum member in order to comment. Forum accounts are separate from shop accounts.

Create an account

Register to become a 12ozProphet forum member.

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×