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The Seinfelder Pilot : Wham Baby Kill Da Bitches (written Chanukah Night #3 of 2009)

SCENE 1 Jerry and George sit down at a table in Monk's Diner.

George: Its not even funny how they tore down Deli Master's. Whats next, Bagel Oasis?

Jerry: Queens is Queens man. Role with the times.

George: Well you hypnotized me and Elaine into getting married. How the hell should we feel about that?

Jerry: Well George...you are MUCH happier?

George: Yes.

Jerry: You sleep around on one another? Who wins in that deal?

George: Well she has lots of pretty friends.

Jerry: Then there you go.

George: Well...she eats shoes.

Jerry: What? That never came near the vault.

George: There is no vault anymore..

Jerry: Well don't divorce her. You'd get half her money and she'd get half of yours.

George: ....what...what if we had a gay love affair.

Jerry: What,,,

George: What if we "hung Christ" herself...

Jerry: What...

George: I'll give you half Elaine's money if you give me half of yours.

Jerry: Think of the financial implications.

George: We could go on a cruise...to Jamaica. Do you think Beatrice would get in on this?

Jerry: What...shes barely 30. You think she knows Quantum Mechanics? I have trouble getting her in the bedroom!

George: Did you try hypnotizing her?

Jerry: It wore off!!

George: Well..I never thought I'd see the day the Super Man was Green Lantern.

Jerry: I can't help it! She's like Hitler after the Holocaust.

George: I know!!! 16 Candles. It's 16 Candles and Stranger's On a Train!

Jerry: The Dark Knight?!

GEORGE AND JERRY: BINGO!!!

Kramer arrives.

Kramer: Yoohoo! Just got back from a train to Jamaica. I'm me dod mon.

George: What does that even mean?

Kramer: It means I'm my dad.

George: Army dad, man?

Jerry: Amidadman?

Kramer: Sounds like a minor problem. Well here's the solution. You feed your wife shoes sexily while I steal all of Elaine's money.

#: Bingo!!!

 

SCENE 2 Kramer is scene in his apartment with a sixteen year old girl.

Kramer: Listen Shelley..I know you're only sixteen but we're going to take back the law tonight.

Shelley: That sounds great Mister Kramer. I just wanna fuck to be honest.

Kramer: Well hop on board.

She sits in his lap while he gropes her.

Kramer: Well Ms. Shelley, time to feel something up right.

Shelley: Jeez Mr. Kramer. Its great how you wrote that Ghostbuster's sequel. Its really great all those Cartoon shows you wrote.

Kramer: Well..little girls love candy.

They cackle terrifyingly.

 

SCENE 3 Jerry is seen in his penthouse reading Garfield.

Jerry: Man I hate cats. Becky!!! Can we end Garfield? I'm not sure about all this Lasagna and neo-facism and I'm really much more of a Calvin and Hobbes guy but now all they have is Peanuts reruns and shit.

Beatrice: Only if I can plow U.S. Acres. later!

Jerry: You know..all this interest in sex is disgusting.

Beatrice: You always say that. Why don't you try sleeping with the maid?

Jerry: Conswayla? Shes got those enormous breasts and they sway and sag and what do I have to do with that?

Beatrice: Your hand dumb!

Jerry: I gotta go.

George: I'm here to play your PS3 George.

Beatrice, kissing Jerry softly: We should have sex later.

George: Look at this asshole! How you doing Cheryl.

Beatrice: Shut the fuck up.

George: Why don't you go to Hell. That way you can rewrite the Holocaust with your whole stupid French family.

Beatrice: For your information we're Scientologists and you're an idiot.

George: What does that even mean?

Beatrice: Remember all those times at Jewish summer camp where everyone waved lights in the bunk while you beat off in front of one another?

George: Yeah. It's called "The Festival of Lights".

Jerry: Ha!

George: Well lets go play some Call of Duty. As they say, you're wife is full of shit.

Jerry: Hahahaa. Lets go George. You know who won the war.

George and Jerry are scene playing PS3 like a bunch of faggots in the floor on yoga poses.

 

SCENE 3 Kramer takes Jerry's maid Conswayla to buy new gloves.

C: Jerry has just been vomiting so much.

Kramer: Jesus! Why?

C: His wife. She does not know how to please him.

Kramer: Jesus Christ! Beatrice has no idea how to please Jerry? One time he gave me a million dollars to give tours after I gave him a case of UNICEF candy I found abandoned on the curb.

C: So Mr. Jerry has an erection?

Kramer: Yes. A megapuss complex.

C: Mr. Cosmo: What is a megapuss complex?

Kramer: You see...Jerry's penis is so small that he is child like in his nature like Peter Pan.

C: He is so gentle! I will love him!

They approach Deli Masters in Queens

Kramer: WHAT THE FUCK!!!

C: EET IS GONE KRAMER! FACE IT! ITS CHINATOWN!!!

She drapes her scarf over Kramer and weeps.

The blue light touches down softly in the early even as Kramer sits on the curb and weeps.

 

SCENE 4 Elaine is seen trying to masturbate to coworkers at her office.

She is the creative designer for a law firm.

Her boss, Newman, walks over and lays a dildo down on her desk.

Newman: So I guess its great I know how to use the Internet.

Elaine: Damnit, I legally contracted myself into sexual slavery, you don't have to mention it all the time.

Newman: Well I've got Hitler's Brain in a jar right now if you want to tsee it.

Elaine: So I guess they did save Hitler's Brain after all!

Newman: Bwaahahhahaha.

 

SCENE 5 Roseanne Barr is seen eating dinner at Monk's with Cosmo Kramer.

R: You know Deli Masters went out of business.

Kramer: Don't remind me.

R: Well as you know, everyone gets older and younger and ages change and you need to tell Jerry to stop waiting until after marriage to have sex.

Kramer: Wait a second. Jerry hasn't slept with anyone yet?

R: He's a nice Jewish guy who loves video games and honesty. What do you think he does with his time?

Kramer: How often do you think?

R: Atleast 5 or 6 times a day at this point. Whittled the whole thing down like a piece of knotty pine.

Kramer: How does that even work?

R: Well the testicles recess into the body the more you strain at him. He could probably last for hours if he wanted too.

Kramer: But you're saying its tiny.

R: Well...no. Thats subjective more than anything...you know, physics but the fortitude of the penal chamber is based on stress levels.

Kramer: And Jerry is a huge Pink Floyd fan.

R: Thats retarded.

Kramer: That's very retarded. You know Conswaylo has a huge crush on him?

R: But hes stuck with that dickless faggot George Constanza. You know he hypnotized her into marrying him.

Kramer: You don't say...

R: Well lets go smoke a huge joint. I have to go back to my job where I feed children to other children.

Kramer: Whats legal about that?

R: Have you ever held a tiny baby in your arms? Its like shooting a water balloon with a syringe.

Kramer: Enough with the dead baby jokes. When is Mrs. Costanza and me going to get to see a grandson?

R: Did you ever see that movie UHF? When people find that movie funny. When people find Weird Al as funny as you and vice versa, we'll get together, find me a man who likes pro-wrestling and video games and understands the internet as a philosophical concept, I'll marry him in matred googleism.

Kramer: Listen baby, shutup.

Kramer opens necklace with a picture of Mrs. Constanza inside.

The light reflects off it until its a flash back.

Paris Hilton makes out with a television.

R: Roger! Roger! Mayday mayday! Who is this?

Kramer: What?

R: In the damned lockit.

Kramer: Its my best friend's mother.

R: Haaaaaaaaa!

 

Scene 6 George and Jerry sit on the roof of Jerry's penthouse

They are disturbed by loud noises.

A bucket falls from the sky onto George's head.

Jerry jumps up to notice there is a bucket over his head.

Crust punks scatter shouting "HOWS THE BUCKET OF TRUTH FIT FOR YOU ASSHOLES!!!"

George falls off the roof.

He dies.

Jerry: YOU SON'S OF BITCHES! I'M GOING TO GET YOU FAGGOTS! FUCK YOU! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

Jerry breathes really hard and understands what he has to do.

 

Scene 7 Elaine is seen at Newman's office.

Newman: Now I want you to dress up like Star Wars and Star Trek.

Elaine: Can't I just do Blade Runner again? You keep making me look like a muppet.

Newman: Yes!!! Thats it! THE ULTIMATE FETISH! STAR WARS PLUSHIES!

Elaine: That's your theory for pretty much everything, isn't it?

Newman: Then I'll covered you in meat! It's disgusting.

Elaine: Uch..(touches forehead)...

Camera pans to reveal she is being forced to play WOW and WC3 at the same time.

Newman: This is awful! Yes!!!

Elaine: Something awful.

Newman: (does impression of rich guy from Network) In my dream, smoke IS mirrors to hide your movements. (Birds fly out of edge of magician's jacket) Jim Clokey once had a saying.

Elaine: A saying?

Newman: Everyday, when Art would arrive on set he would take a chicken. He would stomp the chicken to death before the entire cast and crew while shouting "THIS IS ART! THIS IS LIFE!"

Elaine: The guy who created Gumby?

Newman: The guy who SERVED Gumbos.

Elaine: Is this another G-d I need to remember?

Newman: There's only one G-d.

Elaine: ...there's only one God?

Newman: Yes.

Elaine: Can't you just rape me? I hate talking to you.

Newman: Ayesssss.

Newman goes into elaborate Snidley Whiplash routine where he explains to Elaine the Holocaust never happened.

She begins to giggle.

Nemwan: You know...I don't even lock the door anymore..as they say, David Chain.

Elaine: David Chain?

Nemwan: The infamous bar band where a fable lead singer once got up in front of his friends in his own basement and played his huge dick with a bow.

Elaine: Jerry?

Newman: Yes.

Elaine: What...Jerry does that? He did that?

Newman: Ayes.

Elaine: This puts a whole new angle to this thing.

Newman: Does it?

Elaine:...yes.

Newman: Are you sure..

Elaine: Yes.

Newman: Then your fired.

Elaine: I am.

Newman: Yes.

Elaine runs out of the building screaming with her life.

Newman: Finally.

 

Scene 8 All the Seinfeld cast is standing around George's casket.

Jerry begins to read Jerry's Epilogue to George Costanza.

Jerry: Whats the difference between 9/11 and the Holocaust?

#: George is finally dead!

Laughs.

Jerry: Whats the difference between Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus?

Elaine: David.

Jerry: SHES A BITCH! GET HER! GET HER!

George: Climbs out of grave causing Elaine to have a heart attack.

# find it incredibly funny.

Jerry: Whats the difference between cats and dogs?

#: ???Silent and quiet???

 

Scene 9 Elaine is seen shaving her legs in paris.

George Steinbrenner is heard from the other room.

Elaine: George, I have a lot of relatives...you may not know about.

GS: Like Kennedy or like Ken Griffey?

Elaine: Well...on my mother's side..my great, great Uncle is the Marquis De Sade.

GS: Like his books. How I run my teams.

Elaine: And my father was the CFO of the Red Star Corporation which sunk the Titanic..amongst other things.

GS: I love your mother. She's so funny.

Elaine: And my great uncle was an ad wizard on Madison Avenue. Big Mad Magazine and Who fan. Lived in Amish country. Nice British wife. He invented the name Super Glue, and the Keebler Elf.

GS: Dr. Pepper? Didn't that guy invent the Pringles can. Mmm..tennis balls in potato chip cans.

Elaine: Yes. He had three sons. One of them I never met but they'd refer to him as a "gay weird art dude who drew comics and played bizarre boogie woogie music."

GS: Listen babe, everyone knows the Holocaust never happened.

Elaine: Well...my father had a brother. He raped me once but I don't know what he

looks like.

GS: What does that mean?

Elaine: My father's side of my family abandoned my mother's after my grand father died.

GS: Oh.

Elaine: Did you ever try writing a pilot?

GS: Yes. It was called Popapoolza2k5. It was where I taught Christian people quantum mechanics by disproving Jesus mathematically. Jesus of course being Michael Jordan.

Elaine: What does that even mean?

GS: Well one of them scored a hundred points in a game I went to when I met my accountant and the other is a black guy.

Elaine: You're a racist!

GS: Well one of them can dunk from the three point line and one of them looks like they shave they're legs.

Elaine: What precisely happened on this show?

GS: Well...the Pope goes back in time to save Hitler from the Holocaust in a time machine powered by sex with little boys.

Elaine: OH MY GOD!

GS: Whats hard to grasp about that? I professionally deal in trading men's lives all day...its not like it goes to my head what people do with their time.

Elaine: I understand.

GS: Come in the bedroom.

She does.

 

Scene 10, fin The 4 Seinfelders arrive at Deli Masters in Queens.

Jerry: So this is it. The end of the law.

Elaine: Well as long as George was dead for three hours, I'm my dad.

Kramer throws a brick through the window and climbs in.

He stairs at all of them after pulling a stray pastrami down that he found on the floor.

He smiles through the glass.

The entire building takes off with Kramer in it like the Boston album.

Cut to the credits of Curb Your Enthuiasm.

 

 

amazing!!

 

Genius!!

 

Stunning!!!

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captain crunch

 

nice!

 

 

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