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Im off

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Originally posted by Pfffffffffft@Feb 28 2006, 11:16 AM

good luck..


im deep into some beers and half deep on a bottle of baileys..


its 6am and i wont be around to hear about it



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OK so this was Roger Moore's 1st appearance as Bond - he did a kick ass job in it I might add.


We first meet Bond being a mad cunt as usual and bedding an attractive young woman in his apartment going by the name of Ms. Caruzo hotness rating: 7/10, they are rudely interrupted at 5:46am by his boss explaining that 3 agents have been murdered within a matter of a few hours or so, to his surprise Ms. Caruso has hidden and doesn't know where she has gone, Bond makes his boss a coffee with a high tech gadget we know commonly see in cafes and coffee shops a cappuccino/espresso maker after his coffee is served his boss wittingly remarks "Is that all it can do"??

Miss Moneypenny then walks in and discovers the young Ms. Caruzo in the nude covering herself with a sheet, Ms. Caruzo dives into the closet and hides, Bond's boss want's to get his jacket though Ms. Moneypenny kindly grabs it for him from the closet taking another look at the sexy naked woman in the closet *nudge nudge* she also covers Mr. Bond's tracks and saves him a bit of hassle from his boss, they leave shortly after and Bond enters the closet with Ms. Caruzo and this gem happens: [as Bond unzips Miss Caruso's dress with the magnet in his watch]

Miss Caruso: Such a delicate touch.

James Bond: Sheer magnetism, darling.


that had me chuckling for a while.


We then meet this charming young fellow who seems to be happy at all times in the film - the cab driver: 'Cab driver: You know where you're going?

James Bond: Uptown, I believe?

Cab driver: Uptown? You headed into Harlem, man!

James Bond: Well you just stay on the tail of that jukebox and there's an extra twenty in it for you.

Cab driver: Hey man, for twenty bucks I'd take you to a Ku Klux Klan cookout!'

(This is I think taking a light hearted stab at the way things were with black society in Harlem).

Turns out Yaphet Kotto has a whole town and an island with walkie talkies giving him information on the whereabouts Mr. Bond is headed - even the taxi driver is in on it.


After a bit of bullshit here and there we meet the main villain(s)


Yaphet Kotto (Mr Big/Kananga): first words that come out of his mouth are as follows: Mr. Big: [to his men] Is THIS the stupid mother who tailed you uptown?

James Bond: There seems to be some mistake. My name is...

Mr. Big: Names is for tombstones, baby! Y'all take this honkey out and WASTE HIM! NOW!


Right from the get go you know he is a bad motherfucker, he even has a witty remark as to saying names are are for tombstones you don't want to mess with this guy - though of course Bond does.


His evil plan he has cooked up is to create a huge amount of heroin then give it out to junky's for free, then he suspects that other drug dealers will go out of business, when that happens he plans to jack the prices up to phenomanal rates thus making himself rich and the only H dealer on the block.


There is also another bad guy worth mentioning: Tee Hee - silly name I know but he does have a kick ass robot hand thingy that can produce massive amounts of force as to the point of making tasks such as bending a gun out of shape seem simple - also he is always smiling which makes you think there's something wrong with him think about it he's a hitman and he's always happy WTF is that about he must really enjoy his job.


Also there's this guy called Whisper's who whispers a hell of a lot, he is obese and is a shit bad guy.


Anyway's Bond get's into a sticky situation where he meets the lovely Ms. Solitare - Hotness rating 9/10: by far the most attractive woman in the film she's the main one too which is a bonus, The audacity and sheer disrespect for danger Bond has gotten himself into (he is trapped with a shitload of goons who are going to try and kill him in a matter of moments) Bond being Bond has a stab at Ms. Solitare she seems disintrested though he pulls out the lover card in her tarot deck and this I suspect arouses her and get's her quite wet.


Bond then goes to this voodoo Island and meets Mrs. Bond - Rosie Carver: A criminal posing as a secret agent who tries to get bond killed, bond somehow ends up bedding her twice she panics because she see's some voodoo shit runs through the jungle and gets capped by a scarecrow type thing - Hotness rating 4/10 very dissatisfying that's why I can't be bothered elaborating on her story - you do see her in a bikini though.


blah blah blah shit happens an amusing boat ride in Louisiana etc etc etc. Bond somehow hanglides into Ms. Solitares room from a boat and fucks her: [bond has just explained the first two Lover's Lessons to Solitaire]

Solitaire: Is there time before we leave, for Lesson number 3?

James Bond: [undressing] Of course. There's no sense going out half-cocked.


We reach the end because I can't be fucked typing anymore and I should be in bed dreaming of fucking Charlize Theron and Salma Hayek at the same time, cool shit happens such as Yaphet Kotto expanding like the little girl in Willy Wonka/Charlie & The chocolate factory who consumed that purple berry pie gum or some shit like that resulting in Yaphet's body exploding causing his death, Tee Hee gets killed on the train just about when Solitare and Bond are about to ram, Bond get's Tee Hee's arm stuck on a window and alas throws him out to his grizzly though satisfactory death: [last lines]

[bond removes prosthetic arm from train window]

Solitaire: Now what are you doing?

James Bond: Just being disarming, darling.


We Then see a voodoo guy on the train hinting to a sequal or something whatever goodnight.

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I also found something else noteworthy, the script writer must of had a thing for scary things that can cause harm in the water eg. Crocodiles & sharks - Yaphet had em both rockn

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