Craigslist

[1988]

Graff~N~Dance Br0

 

Graffiti artist wanted (down town reno)

Date: 2011-07-25, 7:12PM PDT

Reply to: job-qavc8-2513391703@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Looking for someone who loves to do graffiti but doesnt want to get in trouble for doing it. We have a building in down town reno which we could like our logo on and "advertise here" wuth phone number.. You can ad your artistic ideas but everything will need to be approved by owner.. THIS JOB DOES NOT PAY. Just will help you get your art seen around town.. Will consider throwing in free advertising for the artist. Please email back with what you can do and some pictures of your work.

 

Thank you

 

And the response from some umad guy...

 

 

RE: Graffiti artist wanted ( (down town reno))

Date: 2011-07-26, 4:57PM PDT

Reply to: job-capss-2515068626@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Oh boy, you mean I get to have my art on a wall as compensation for my hard work? Where in hell have people got the idea that artists value vanity over provision. I've been designing professionally for over 23 years and have MANY design peers, not a ONE of them would trade their paycheck in for exposure. And Graffiti is a true artisan expression, not one of those buy-a-mac-become-an-overnight-designer. What is your business that needs walls decorated for free? I'm hoping it's a non-profit org or a homeless shelter. Otherwise, I hope it crumbles to the ground due to your greed and insane assumptions that art is free.

[count chocula]

hemad?

[tucksoe]

this dude might have the crazy

 

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/scz/ats/2515494919.html

[eattingsnowflakes]

$1000 Best. Roommate. Ever.

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.

 

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.

 

A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.

 

I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!

 

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

 

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?

 

I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already!

 

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money.

 

EDIT: Craigslist decided to hook my shit back up, and I'm tweeting now. Follow me. Or don't. It's up to you.

 

http://twitter.com/BestRoomyEver

http://www.facebook.com/BestRoomyEver

 

cats are OK - purrr

dogs are OK - wooof

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 

 

 

PostingID: 2549849730

 

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/sha/2549849730.html

[DA_BEARS]

^^^

[CeroUno]

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?

 

 

 

 

:lol:

[i kill for meow mix]

CRAIGSLIST IS WWEIRD

[tucksoe]

Ummmm Really?

 

 

Qualified Exterminator Needed For Big Problem

Date: 2011-09-06, 5:22PM PDT

Reply to: comm-zacf3-2585639495@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

 

I need a big pest terminated, however, I don't know how go about finding that

type of exterminator... they're not exactly in the phone book. Any contacts or

connections would be appreciated. $1000.00 finders fee and $10,000 for an

actual contractor who completes the job.

 

Thank You.

[Sleazeside Heights]

Healthy Users of Cocaine Needed for Research Study

Date: 2011-09-07, 10:34AM EDT

Reply to: comm-magjw-2575158456@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Healthy users of cocaine (age 21-50) needed for brain imaging study. Study requires 10 - 13 day stay on a research unit at the New York State Psychiatric Institute /Columbia University. Earn $1065 - $1375, depending on length of study. Call (212)543-5564 for more information.

 

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

it's OK to distribute this charitable volunteerism opportunity for inclusion in 3rd party web sites that have been approved by craigslist

[Sleazeside Heights]

Yo that one with the rocks was incredible.

[Michael Grant]

RIDESHARE!

[armand hammer]

Healthy Users of Cocaine Needed for Research Study

Date: 2011-09-07, 10:34AM EDT

Reply to: comm-magjw-2575158456@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Healthy users of cocaine (age 21-50) needed for brain imaging study. Study requires 10 - 13 day stay on a research unit at the New York State Psychiatric Institute /Columbia University. Earn $1065 - $1375, depending on length of study. Call (212)543-5564 for more information.

 

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

it's OK to distribute this charitable volunteerism opportunity for inclusion in 3rd party web sites that have been approved by craigslist

 

... This is real?

[wordyo]

^^ yea it is but you legit have to stay at the hospital for two weeks without leavin hahahahaha and ride share man i used to kill that to mtl atleast once a month the dude used to let me ride for thirty bucks and just get shit pissed the whole way

[Lewis and Clark]

Woman stole our cat and had her euthanized without our knowledge (Parkview Ave, Bangor)

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: 2011-09-14, 8:42PM EDT

Reply to: saltpine@aol.com [Errors when replying to ads?]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Updated 9/15/11

Just wanted to let you know the outcome. The woman who stole Miskit called my father today and confessed. She told him she's "never done anything like this before" but she took her, went to a vet who told her the cat was "old and possibly had cancer" so she authorized him to euthanize her. Our entire family is in shock. My father is refusing to tell my brother or myself the woman's name. We want to press charges but our hands are tied unless he gives us the information. At the very least I want to spread her name and the story to the local rescue groups so she is blackballed from adopting.

I cannot believe that someone would knowingly steal someone's pet and then go kill it. I am in shock.

 

 

 

LUL^^^

 

 

 

 

 

found your drivers licence

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: 2011-09-10, 9:38AM EDT

Reply to: comm-cyvuh-2591411919@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Hi there, did you loose your drivers licence on water street in augusta, well I found it, I wanted to return it to the owner and possibly save them the 50 dolar fee to replace it. I tried to FB this person but had no luck, well if its your contact me and Ill get back to you asap. Thanks PS this is a young ladies ID

 

^^ you think they would just mail it... wtf?

[tucksoe]

Oopsy? i saw you doing a painting last night - w4m - 25

Date: 2011-10-19, 12:09AM PDT

Reply to:

Reply To This Post

 

OOPSY!!(if thats you real name??) i saw you painting a piece of street art last night at around 2am..i love your stlye!! it takes alot of guts to put up big street art paintings..you were wearing a gas mask so i couldnt make out your face..i made sure not to scare you so i hid and watched..you amazed me with the effort you put into getting to the location that you painted.....i wanted to approach you but i realized how foolish that would of been seeing how it was 2am and you had just painted illegally..i would like to meet you..but if you find this you will obviously think im the police..but im not..im a fan..im 5'4'' 120lbs....my eyes are green and my hair is always changing..im always combing the streets late at night..i hope i find you soon(or you find me?)

[Lewis and Clark]

i think we all need to troll CL more..

 

 

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=107

^^ LOL

 

 

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=77

[watson]

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=104

 

i died

[i'moffthywallz]

[tucksoe]

Special Skaters

Posted at: 2011-11-08 05:25:19

Original ad:

Attention all ice skaters and hockey players! Volunteers needed to train children participating in the Special Olympics hockey team. Anyone with adequate skating skill can be used to help teach our athletes to skate. Please call 410-***-**** or respond to the email address above.

Judy

 

From Me to ************@**********.org

 

Judy,

 

I am writing in response to your ad regarding helping children learn to skate.

 

I was a legend in minor league hockey until my career was cut short by a career ending injury. I still love the game of hockey though and would love to pass on my skills to your wonderful children. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Mike

 

From Judy ******* to Me:

 

Mike,

 

I am sorry to hear about your injury. That is very unfortunate. Are you still able to skate? I only ask because we need someone to skate one-on-one with the children.

 

Judy

 

From Me to Judy *******:

 

Oh yes, I am still able to skate. I think you misunderstood me. My career was cut short because I was banned after causing another player to have a career ending injury. It was an unfortunate accident, but the league came down extremely hard on me. It really wasn't fair, if you ask me.

 

Mike

 

From Judy ******* to Me:

 

Yikes! What were the circumstances of the ban/injury, if you don't mind me asking?

 

From Me to Judy *******:

 

Not at all. It really wasn't a big deal. The guy was fine, but everyone turned it into this huge ordeal. During a fight, I broke his eye socket, fish-hooked his cheek apart and slashed his achilles tendon with my skate. He also suffered brain damage from blood loss, but that is more the paramedics fault than mine for letting him bleed out for so long. Looks like the only sport he'll be playing now is "shitting in a bag" (heh heh). Anyway, the pussies at the commissioner's office considered it "gross misconduct" and "assault" and gave me a lifetime ban. Can you believe that? I thought this was supposed to be hockey!

 

So like I said, I was a legend in minor league hockey. My nickname used to be "Murderin' Mike" (don't worry, I never actually murdered anyone. It was just a cute nickname). I won more fights than everyone else in the division combined. In fact, I've only ever lost one fight on the ice. But I won the rematch in the parking lot (thank you, tire iron!) I know everything there is to know about fighting and would love to pass on my skills to your kids. If you want them to be the best damn hockey fighters in the special olympics, I am your guy. With my training, the other teams won't stand a chance. The ice will be stained with their blood, teeth, and broken dreams.

 

I am currently in between jobs so I can dedicate a lot of time to helping out.

 

Best,

 

Murderin' Mike

 

From Judy ******* to Me:

 

What do you think this is? The Special Dlympics are for the mentally handicapped. You know that, right? What you described is brutally violent and has no place in the Special Olympics. Frankly I think you deserve to be in jail. Thank you and goodbye.

 

From Me to Judy *******:

 

Whoa there. Don't be so dismissive! Do you even know anything about hockey? It sounds to me like you think hockey is just soccer on ice. Well I've got news for you, Judy, you couldn't be more wrong. In hockey, we don't fake injuries and have to miss half the season due to a pulled vagina muscle. We fight it out like men. Fighting is what hockey is all about. It is a tradition that dates back to the first hockey game ever played. If you want your kids to learn how to play hockey, they are going to have to learn how to fight.

 

I'll teach your kids how get away with everything without the referee seeing it. I'll show them how to make butt-ending, head checking, slashing and tripping look like an accident. They'll learn how to fight like hockey players. I have a whole set of moves I like to use during fights. My personal favorite is the "bowling ball", where you gouge both of the opponent's eyes and then jam your thumb into the roof of their mouth. I used that during a fight once and the guy actually started convulsing! It struck fear into the heart of the other team and we ended up winning the game.

 

With my expert training, your team will be the most feared team in the entire special olympics. Please reconsider hiring me.

 

Mike

 

From Judy ******* to Me:

 

You aren't coming anywhere near these children. Your attitude towards this whole thing is disgusting. Its absolutely disturbing that you find this kind of behavior acceptable. Especially for mentally handicapped children. I don't know what kind of insane league you played in but that is not the level of intensity that's meant for these children.

 

From Me to Judy *******:

 

Oh, I get it. You're saying that because these kids are mentally handicapped, that they don't deserve to be treated like regular people? Instead, you want to point out their disabilities and tell them that they will never be able to play hockey like normal people. When I saw in your ad that the kids were mentally challenged, I wasn't fazed. I didn't see kids with disabilities, I saw kids that I could turn into great hockey players. Do you not want them to be able to play hockey like everybody else plays it?

 

Mike

 

From Judy ******* to Me:

 

Give me a freaking break. You know that isn't what I meant. Don't pull that card on me. You expect me to believe that a violent psychopath like you genuinely wants to help the mentally challenged play hockey? Yeah, right! You don't give a damn about these children.

 

From Me to Judy *******:

 

Judy,

 

I am starting to think that you are the problem with this team, not the kids. You do not have the right attitude to be working with these kids. If you want to tell these kids that they shouldn't learn hockey the right way because they are mentally challenged, then that is just sad. It is a shame that you are taking away the joy of competitive sports from these kids. Competitive sports are great for kids - it keeps them from turning to drugs and violence in the streets.

 

Can I please talk to your supervisor? I would like to take your position and suggest that you be fired. You clearly do not have the right attitude to be helping mentally challenged kids.

 

Sincerely looking forward to taking your job,

 

Mike

 

From Judy ******* to Me:

 

Sure - her number is 1-800-GOTO-HELL

 

Sincerely done talking to you,

 

Judy

[Inappropriate_Responder]

TAG UP MY LIVING ROOM WITH SOME GRAFFITI

 

Date: 2011-10-26, 7:12PM EDT

Reply to: sale-fbhns-2670714824@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

let me know, get at me.. shoot me an email..

im looking for someone or multiple people who would like some space to show off their art..

i got a whole living room im willing to donate..

let me know if anyone is interested

send me an email

or text 7862698871

 

thanks

[publicenemyno.3]

[Drue_Down]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/2604350472.html

 

Yoga mat for sale. Used once

 

Date: 2011-09-17, 8:41PM PDT

 

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

 

11:45a

Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

 

11:55a

Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

 

11:57a

I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

 

11:58a

The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

 

11:59a

Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

 

12:00p

Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

 

12:02p

Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

 

12:10p

It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

 

12:26p

It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

 

12:33p

It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

 

12:40p

The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

 

12:44p

I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

 

12:52p

It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

 

12:55p

This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

 

1:01p

140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

 

1:09p

150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.

I lose consciousness.

 

1:15p

I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

 

1:17p

I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

 

1:20p

It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

 

1:30p

Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

 

1:34p

My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

 

1:37p

The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

 

1:47p

Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

 

3:47p

Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

 

4:29p

Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.

 

[bourgeoisie]

I really wish people would shower before yoga.

[Trane1SFCking]

n*gga!

[injury]

Hmmm.... I am intrigued....

[Trane1SFCking]

[injury]

 

King baby!!

[earmuffs]

Sik

[Weapon X]

needs moar..

 

 

 

 

starz.

[you can microwave bacon]

i noticed a good portion of women looking for men on craigslist are "redhead BBW"