Craigslist

[oaker]

I was in line at the DQ on 6th getting mother's usual order of 3 hot dogs and onion rings. I was looking down at my Gameboy, not paying attention to the line when I felt the warm breeze hit my legs. I looked up from my Pokemon battle and there you were. 5'2, about 315 lbs. You had the remnants of your first two DQ orders stuck in your teeth, which were so gnarled, I could see them from the back.

 

You were polishing off a Dilly Bar when the methane cloud rose to my nostrils, curling my nose hairs. It was an aroma that could only be produced by a goddess. As I felched it, I detected a hit of salmon as well as delicate notes of chili. Subtle overtones of movie theater style butter pop corn were soon overpowered by the second wave, which brought a strong scent and taste of corned beef and cabbage. (Mmmmmmm...)

 

I could see the gas bubble trying to escape from your neoprene-esque tights, most of which were so far up your crack, I debated momentarily whether they were actually two pairs of pants, each housing one of your delightful cankles. The outline of your swollen, probably irritated pachyderm knuckle made me picture a furry cantaloupe split perfectly down the middle, complete with crateresque dimples. This image only further infuriated my raging erection. I struggled to contain my three inches until I eventually prematurely ejaculated. It might have been embarrassing had I not been wearing pajamas with the feet in them under my value brand khakis.

 

I know you will probably never read this, as I heard you commenting to the store clerk that you could not read, and proceeded to order by pointing at pictures and grunting. But I had to share my story.

 

I hope to see you again some day. And if by some chance someone reads this to you, please do not shave, I really liked your mustache.

[Sluser]

wat

[tucksoe]

Barely Legal Little League

Posted at: 2009-11-25 02:31:59

Original ad:

We are a little league team looking for a sponsor for the upcoming season. Email if you are interested in helping out. Thanks!

From Me to ********@***********.org

 

Good afternoon,

 

I came across your ad looking for a sponsor for your little league team. I am interested if you still need one. Let me know, and we can discuss the details.

 

Thanks,

Mike

 

From Joe ********* to Me:

 

Hey Mike,

My name is Joe. I have been the coach of this team and greatly appreciate the offer. We still do need a sponsor and I would like to hear what you have to offer. The league will not start up again until mid-April so we will have some time. Let me know what you were thinking for sponsorship, you can email or call me anytime at (***)***-****

Thanks,

Joe

 

From Me to Joe *********:

 

Joe,

 

I am glad to hear you are still interested. I would like to have my company name on your team's uniform and fence sign. How much would it cost to do this?

 

Mike

 

From Joe ********* to Me:

 

Hi Mike,

The cost to fully sponsor our team would be $800. It would cover ordering the jerseys and equipment. At the end of the season you will be recognized at our ceremony and will receive a framed photo of the team and your own uniform. What is your company's name and do you have a website?

Thanks,

Joe

 

From Me to Joe *********:

 

That sounds reasonable Joe. I am the founder of an adult film company called BarelyLegalSuperSluts. We specialize in 18+ amateur pornography and I would like to get our name out there. We plan on lanuching our site around April, so I think the timing would be perfect with your league. I can forward you our logo and we will discuss designs for the uniforms.

 

Mike

 

From Joe ********* to Me:

 

Mike,

Do you realize this sponsorship is for a little league team?

Joe

 

From Me to Joe *********:

 

Yes, you told me that. I think it is great that I'll be able to help kids enjoy America's greatest pastime.

 

From Joe ********* to Me:

 

and you honestly expect a bunch of kids to be sporting a jersey that says Barely Legal Super Sluts?

 

From Me to Joe *********:

 

Is it too long to fit on the jersey? We could just call them the Super Sluts for short as long as the sign on the field included the link to our website.

 

From Joe ********* to Me:

 

No that isn't the problem. This team is for kids and we can't have them wearing shirts that say Super Sluts on them. It is highly offensive and the league most likely wouldn't even allow it.

 

From Me to Joe *********:

 

How about we call them the Barely Legal Little Leaguers? I would include a free copy of our Super Sluts Slurping Loads DVD for every parent that attends the game. The DVD features over 3 hours of sluts with hilarious outtakes and alternate endings. I could even have a few of our stars come out and mud wrestle during the 7th inning stretch. I think it could pull in a lot more of an audience for your little league.

 

From Joe ********* to Me:

 

No! Thats even worse! Look Mike I appreciate you trying to help our team out but this is absolutely the wrong place to be advertising your porn. If you would still like to contribute you can but we cannot have your company name associated with our team.

 

From Me to Joe *********:

 

If this is how you treat every sponsor that wants to help your team out, you will never get any money. Sooner or later you are going to have to whore yourself out to someone, which is a valuable lesson learned in my Big Sluts: Big Loads DVD. I could give that one out to the parents instead, due to the educational value.

 

From Joe ********* to Me:

 

You just dont quit do you? Aint happening so go to hell!

[tucksoe]

Previous | Next

Christmas Dinner

Posted at: 2009-12-06 12:21:18

Original ad:

we need profesional catering for our christmas day dinner party. must have experence catering. SERIOUS RESPONSES ONLY

From Me to ************@*********.org:

 

Hello,

 

I am writing in response to your ad looking for a caterer for your Christmas dinner party. I am a freelance chef with a lot of catering experience. I was the top chef at the world renowned Restauran de Bon Foodeux for over five years. If you are still looking for a caterer, let me know.

 

Thanks,

 

Michael

 

From Brian ******* to Me:

 

michael thank you for responding. what are your rates? we are expeting about twenty people at are dinner party so will need enough food for all of them. can you supply the food and we reembirse you? also do you have a menu of mealss you cook for us to choose from?

 

From Me to Brian *******:

 

Brian,

 

Supplying the food will not be a problem. I have a wide variety of exquisite dishes for you to choose from, which I will list below. My rates are per person and it depends on the meal, but generally ranges from $20-$40 per person. Here are the meals I typically offer:

 

La Nouille du Triomphe

A meal of pure bliss and flavor - a delicious plate of ramen noodles boiled in the purest of water. Noodles can be flavored with either chicken or beef seasoning.

 

Le Repas du Fromage Délicieux

A mouthwatering bowl of easy mac cooked to perfection in a microwave. Served with a side of peanut M&Ms.

 

Le Repas de la Faim de Grande Personne

A delectably and savory microwaved TV dinner. The dish comes with two pieces of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, freshly grown vegetables and a satisfying brownie that is heated to absolute perfection.

 

Le Sandwich Rouge

A truly phenominal sandwich consisting of ketchup spread over a carefully microwaved piece of bread, and then topped with another piece of bread. Comes with a side of mayonnaise for dipping.

 

Dessert

 

Le Plat du Lait et de la Céréale

A satisfying end to your meal, this dessert consists of a bowl of fruit loops served with either skim or 2% milk. Milk can be substituted with water for those on a diet.

 

La Pâtisserie Bourrée

Individually wrapped twinkies that have been microwaved to sheer delight.

 

Let me know which meals you are interested in, and I can give you a quote on how much everything will cost.

 

Thank you,

Michael

 

From Brian ******* to Me:

 

what the fuck you actully cater that shit to people ? yea im gonna serve easy mac and twinkies for christmas dinner are you fuckin kidding me. my son in college could make that shit!

 

From Me to Brian *******:

 

Brian,

 

The twinkes aren't for everyone. I understand if you are on a diet, but for me, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like a twinkie and some good easy mac. If you aren't interested in that meal, would you consider any of my other options? My personal favorite is Le Sandwich Rouge. That is also very affordable. For twenty people, it would probably cost you about $400.

 

Michael

 

From Brian ******* to Me:

 

cut the bullshit fancy french names and call it a goddamn gross ass ketchup sanwich

 

From Me to Brian *******:

 

Brian,

 

I am personally offended that you are insulting my masterpiece meals. These are perfected family recipes that have been passed down for generations of chefs in my family. Cooking is my art, and for you to insult me without even trying my work is just plain rude.

 

Michael

[tucksoe]

Vegan Housemate

Posted at: 2009-12-16 13:51:38

Original ad:

Hey there! My roommate and I are looking for another housemate. We live in a large apartment in Upper Darby. There are two bedrooms and a spacious living area. The rent is $250 a month, which includes cable, internet, electric, and water.

 

My roommate and I are both vegans and will only live with another vegan. IF YOU AREN'T A VEGAN, YOU NEED NOT APPLY. We are looking for someone who will help with the cooking, in addition to the rent.

 

If you are a vegan and want to live with two vegans who respect your personal space, please e-mail us. Include some information about yourself, including your source of income.

 

From Me to ***********@***********.org:

 

Hey,

 

I saw your ad, and I can't tell you how happy I was to see that there are fellow vegans looking for a roommate. It is so hard to find someone to live with who respects my way of life. Are you guys still looking for someone to live with?

 

Mike

 

From Joanna ******** to Me:

 

Yes, we still are seeking a third housemate. Can you tell us about yourself?

 

From Me to Joanna ********:

 

Well, I am a 24 year old male, and I am currently make a living by being employed. It pays well. Now, as I said earlier, I am a hardcore vegan. I totally respect your lifestyle, but I will occasionally eat a veal burger, maybe two or three times a week. I hope that isn't a big deal. If it is, I can eat it outside, but I will still need to cook it in the kitchen. But besides that, I am easy to get along with. I love watching TV. I hope you guys like CSPAN and late night HBO as much as I do. I also love music, and think I will be a great addition to your apartment.

 

Mike

 

From Joanna ******** to Me:

 

You're not a vegan if you eat veal. Seriously, veal? That is perhaps the single worst thing a vegan can eat. Calves that are raised to become veal are ripped from their mothers at birth so they get anemia. Then they are starved of milk, food, and exercise. They often are put in crates so they cannot move at all; they just stand and suffer until their ultimate death. Veal goes against everything veganism stands for. How you even consider calling yourself a vegan astounds me.

 

From Me to Joanna ********:

 

Well thanks for the veal history lesson. My ex used to bitch to me about veal all the time, so I know all about it. Frankly, I think that is why I enjoy veal. Knowing that the calf suffered so much to make himself that much more tender and delicious for me makes it worth every bite. If I didn't eat veal, it would probably expire and be thrown away. Then, the calf would have died in vein. You wouldn't want that, would you. Seriously, veal isn't that bad. They give the calf a nice safe home to live in. Would you rather they just let the calf just be let loose out in the wild? Then, it would probably be killed by a lion or something. By supporting veal, you are supporting the safe life of cows everywhere.

 

Seeing as how you got all uppity about the veal, I guess I should tell you that I own two shotguns and an assault rifle for hunting and will need to store them in the apartment. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but I may as well tell you everything. Don't worry though, both the shotguns are registered and the assault rifle has the serial numbers filed off of it so it doesn't have to be registered.

 

From Joanna ******** to Me:

 

Don't worry, you don't need to tell me anything else because you aren't going to live with us. I highly doubt there is anything about your life that even makes you close to being a vegan. You're argument sounds like something a twelve-year-old would say. You're clearly just claiming to be vegan to live in a cheap apartment. If you really think you are vegan, think again. Vegans don't hunt, idiot.

 

From Me to Joanna ********:

 

C'mon, it isn't like I'm eating the animals after I kill them. I just kill them because I hate deer. I can't tell you how many times I've stepped in deer shit - they shit everywhere. They are worse than old people. One time my little brother ate some deer shit because he thought it was beans. We had to take him to the hospital to get him tested for Lyme disease. I'm just killing deer to make Pennsylvania a better, safer place for children. I'm not eating them, so relax. I still don't eat chicken or burgers or any of that shit. You are really picky about the vegans that you want to live with. So when is the lease for your place up? I'm looking for a place to live for about five or six months, and the sooner I can move in, the better.

 

From Joanna ******** to Me:

 

YOU'RE NOT A VEGAN!

 

From Joanna ******** to Me:

 

Not eating certain kinds of meat doesn't make you a vegan. Veganism is a lifestyle which prohibits using any kind of animal product, be it food, clothes, or anything else. Hunting is absolutely unacceptable and your reasons for hunting are ridiculous. You won't be living at my apartment so give it up.

 

From Me to Joanna ********:

 

Wow, I never thought I would find someone as pretentious as Bono, but you take the cake. Next time I bite into a savory beef brisket, I'll think of you.

[yinz n'at]

the vegan shit had me cracking the fuck up oh man

[yinz n'at]

http://pittsburgh.craigslist.org/ele/1513883576.html

 

FREE PANASONIC LCD TV. Yes it works perfectly. Yes it has a remote. No i wont deliver. Why is it FREE you ask?????? My roommate thought it would be 'hysterical' to pause gay porn on my TV while my girlfriend and I were on vacation for 2 weeks, thus burning an image into the screen. So....if you don't mind a silhouette of a skinny white guy taking a load in the face from the biggest black dick in recorded history forever adorning your new tv, feel free to come pick it up.

 

* Location: pittsburgh outskirts

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[lil_spenty]

wow.

[tucksoe]

Wood Chipper Rental

Posted at: 2009-12-23 11:41:39

Original ad:

670cc commercial wood chipper/shredder for sale. Little bit of rust but works great. Contact Joe - ***********@gmail.com

$4000 OBO

From Me to ***********@gmail.com:

 

Hi Joe,

 

Is the wood chipper still for sale?

 

Thanks,

 

Mike

 

From Joe ****** to Me:

 

Yes, I still have the wood chipper.

 

From Me to Joe ******:

 

I don't have $4000, but what I do have is $200 and a need for use of a wood chipper for about half an hour. Would I be able to rent it from you for $200?

 

Mike

 

From Joe ****** to Me:

 

I don't see why not. What are you using it for?

 

From Me to Joe ******:

 

Don't worry about that. So would I be able to swing by and pick it up in my truck, then bring it back about an hour later? I can leave my driver's license as collateral.

 

Mike

 

From Joe ****** to Me:

 

First you need to tell me what the chipper is being used for or you can find someone else.

 

From Me to Joe ******:

 

Okay, I'll try to explain my situation. My cat just had a litter of kittens, and I can't get rid of them. I tried giving them to my friends and putting ads online, but nobody wants them. I even tried releasing them into the wild but they keep coming back to my house. I can't stand these little fuckers pissing everywhere and clawing up my furniture. So I figure my next option is to put them down. I can't afford to have it done professionally, so I think a wood chipper would be the next most humane way. I looked up your model and saw it has a 6 inch input, which I think will be perfect for me.

 

Mike

 

From Joe ****** to Me:

 

.......................................wow. No.

 

From Me to Joe ******:

 

Why not? It is an easy $200 for you. Can't you just pretend I took it to mulch some wood?

 

Mike

 

From Joe ****** to Me:

 

No. You are a sick sick sick sick sick person.

 

From Me to Joe ******:

 

I'll give you $250 and throw in a free kitten (not mulched, of course). Plus, I thought about my plan some more, and I decided to put meow mix all around the input, and just leave the kittens near it. That way, if they get shredded, it is their own damn fault, and my hands are clean.

 

Mike

[boxcarrapist]

I Laughed out loud a this one and the vegan one,props given.

[filtypeterpbt]

That kitten one had me dying..

[KILZ FILLZ]

i went in the personals to try to find something funny to post but just kinda ended up feeling depressed

feel kinda sorry for em

 

 

 

found this though

 

 

 

[barbara walters]

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/zip/1536289815.html

[lil_spenty]

http://neworleans.craigslist.org/spo/1536026640.html

 

http://neworleans.craigslist.org/bab/1536054814.html

[makineasykills]

The kitten one and the vegan one are hilarious.

[tucksoe]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1502156330.html

[Gat Bush]

http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/cas/1541826510.html

[Drue_Down]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1502156330.html

 

 

That ladder would have been gone the second he shut his front door in most neighborhoods

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*EDIT: you kids need to learn how to post screen shots, or at least copy/paste. Most of these don't last 24 hours.

[morton]

Move sofa to Park City, Utah (Seattle to Park City)

Date: 2010-01-11, 10:10AM PST

Reply to: gigs-zphcg-1547566597@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

 

Hi. I need someone who has a covered truck/van/SUV that can hold a 78" wide sofa. I will pay gas and $200 to drive it to Park City, Utah and cover gas back as well. Or do you know anyone moving to Salt Lake City or Park City that I can add to their truck and pay them? I am open to suggestions.

Please email or call 206-618-3258

Thanks! I am looking for this to happen in the next 2 weeks.

 

* Location: Seattle to Park City

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

* Compensation: no pay

 

 

 

PostingID: 1547566597

[tucksoe]

Xbox Repairman

Posted at: 2010-01-08 12:16:03

Original ad:

Broken Xbox 360? Red ring of death? Disc-read error? No problem! We repair broken Xbox 360s for $50 or less. Call or email ***-***-2811 or **********@comcast.net

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

 

Hello,

 

I sure hope you will be able to help me. I'm not sure what is wrong with my Xbox but it will not turn on. I've tried plugging it in to a bunch of different outlets, but none of them seem to work. Do you think you can help?

 

Thanks,

 

Mike

 

From Dean ****** to Me:

 

Hi Mike,

 

The outlet most likely has nothing to do with why your system won't turn on.

 

I certainly can help you though. I will rectify your xbox and can have it back to you in a week or so depending on the problem. Do you live in the area or would you like to ship the console?

 

Dean

 

From Me to Dean ******:

 

Oh my god, you are sick! I will not let you do that unspeakable act to my Xbox. I always knew that the internet is full of freaks and sexual deviants, but you have reached a new low. I thought your ad was for Xbox repairs, but I have been horribly mistaken.

 

From Dean ****** to Me:

 

Mike,

 

I'm not sure what you think I was saying. To rectify is to repair or mend something that is broken. I was only trying to tell you that I would repair your Xbox. I am sorry for any misunderstanding.

 

Dean

 

From Me to Dean ******:

 

Dean,

 

Don't lie to me. I know what rectify means, and the fact that you want to do it with an Xbox is disgusting. I can't even imagine how it is possible to do it with something that big, or what kind of pleasure that could possibly bring to a pervert like you. Regardless, I want my Xbox to be fixed, not to be violated and returned to me covered in ass hairs and feces. I will just mail it back to where I bought it and hope that the warranty is not void.

 

Mike

 

From Dean ****** to Me:

 

You clearly don't know the definition of rectify. I assure you I only want to fix your system.

 

From Me to Dean ******:

 

Dean,

 

I don't even want to know what you mean by "fix my system." Leave me alone before I call the police, you pervert.

 

Mike

 

From Dean ****** to Me:

 

I mean I am going to solve the problem that is causing your Xbox 360 to not turn on. That is all.

 

From Me to Dean ******:

 

Dean,

 

Even if you did return it to me and it worked, I would never be able to look at my Xbox the same way. There will always be the thought in the back of my mind that you took it and violated it.

 

I am going to post an ad warning other unsuspecting victims about the true disgusting motive behind your ad. What you are doing is sick.

 

Mike

 

From Dean ****** to Me:

 

If you do that then I will post an ad explaining that you are a fucking idiot that doesn't know what "rectify" means. Go fuck yourself.

[tucksoe]

Unreliable Pet Sitter

Posted at: 2010-01-08 12:17:03

Original ad:

Trustworthy and reliable pet sitter available in the area to watch your pets. Your pet will be in good hands and treated with care while you are away. Rates vary - email to discuss.

From Me to **********@**********.org

 

Hey,

 

I am away on vacation with my girlfriend for two weeks and completely forgot about her pet fish. Would you be able to go to my house and feed him every day? Normally I wouldn't let a stranger go into my house, but I am desperate and you seem trustworthy. What is your rate? I can pay you online via PayPal, or just give you cash when I get back.

 

Mike

 

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

 

Hi Mike,

 

Of course I can take care of your fish but I have a few questions first:

 

- Where do you live? Is there a spare key/garage code/whhatever so I can get in?

- What kind of fish is it and how big is the tank? (If it is a small fish bowl then I can care for the fish at my house)

- Any special instructions for feeding the fish?

 

My rate for small pets such as fish is $10 per day. Feel free to call me if you wish to discuss this over the phone. My number is 610-***-****.

 

Jenny

 

From Me to Jennifer *********:

 

Jenny,

 

I live at 211 ******* St (near the Acme shopping center).

 

The fish is a guppy but it lives in a 55 gallon tank, so you probably can't move it. It just needs one pinch of fish food in the morning and at night (in the jar above the tank).

 

I don't have a spare key or garage code, so you are going to have to break a window to get in. I have a garden in the backyard where you can find a rock. I would prefer if you didn't break any of the front windows because they are new. I'd suggest breaking the kitchen window in the back of the house. Now when the window breaks, the alarm is probably going to go off. I think the alarm code is 1988, but I'm not entirely sure. It is protocol for the alarm company to send the police when a window is broken, so just tell the police that I hired you to take care of my fish.

 

When can you be over there? I haven't fed the fish in over a day so I am sure he is really hungry.

 

Mike

 

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

 

What? That is crazy - I'm not gonna smash a window!

 

From Me to Jennifer *********:

 

Jenny,

 

Why don't you feel comfortable breaking a window? Don't worry, I was going to get that window replaced with a wall anyway so my girlfriend can't look outside while she is doing the dishes.

 

If you are afraid that you aren't strong enough to break the window, I have a sledgehammer in my shed. The shed is in the backyard and is unlocked. It is on the wall with the shotguns. You can easily break any window with that thing.

 

I almost forgot, if the police come, I need you to hide some weed and a bong that I left on the kitchen counter. Just put the weed in your pocket so they don't notice it when they are talking to you about the alarm, and maybe stuff some flowers in the bong so they think it is a vase.

 

Mike

 

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

 

I don't feel right smashing your window bc how would I explain that to the police? And now you want me to hide your drugs? Do you want me to go to jail? Think about what you want me to do and then ask yourself if you would do it in my situation.. I don't think you would!

 

From Me to Jennifer *********:

 

Jenny,

 

Think about how Gary (the guppy) feels right now. He is starving, and will most likely die if someone doesn't feed him soon. How selfish of you to put your own interests before the life of another.

 

Please, just do it for Gary. If he dies, my girlfriend is going to be pissed at me. The last time I accidentally killed one of her pets, she wouldn't have sex with me for a month. Do you know how expensive it is to pay an escort service for sex? Please don't make me go through that again.

 

If you are afraid of the police, I'll understand. I have a criminal record too, so I get why you don't want to deal with them. How about you smash the window, run in, feed the fish, and run out before they get there? It will probably take them at least five minutes to respond to the alarm.

 

Mike

 

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

 

No! You are an idiot! I don't have a criminal record you damn moron and I plan on keeping it that way. Don't try to guilt me about your fish because its your own stupid fault for forgetting about him! Just explain to your gf that you are a jackass and forgot to take care of the fish!

 

From Me to Jennifer *********:

 

Jenny,

 

When we get back home and I find the dead fish, I'll have no choice but to explain to my girlfriend that I hired you to take care of the fish and you let him die. I will give her your phone number and let you two sort things out.

 

Mike

 

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

 

Don't you fucking dare you stupid mother fucker!

[El Vergudo]

from my neck of the woods...

 

 

found it in the cars for sale section.

 

its in spanish i'll translate.

 

Toyota Immigration is in hayward be careful

 

_________________________________________________________

 

be careful because immigration is by Tennyson, by Jackson, and by Mi Pueblo. good luck my people

[lord_casek]

[El Vergudo]

http://pittsburgh.craigslist.org/ele/1513883576.html

 

FREE PANASONIC LCD TV. Yes it works perfectly. Yes it has a remote. No i wont deliver. Why is it FREE you ask?????? My roommate thought it would be 'hysterical' to pause gay porn on my TV while my girlfriend and I were on vacation for 2 weeks, thus burning an image into the screen. So....if you don't mind a silhouette of a skinny white guy taking a load in the face from the biggest black dick in recorded history forever adorning your new tv, feel free to come pick it up.

 

* Location: pittsburgh outskirts

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 

[lil_spenty]

SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS FOOL:

 

http://neworleans.craigslist.org/wan/1561757142.html

 

A JUGGALO IN NEED...

[SONolAR187]

haha rediculous

[tucksoe]

from here: http://dontevenreply.com/all.php

 

Tree Removal Barter

Posted at: 2010-01-22 02:20:47

Original ad:

i need a grille not the cole kind but the gas kind. i will barter my skill as a landscaper in turn for a good grille if u need any kind of landscape work

From Me to **************@***********.org:

 

Hello,

 

I saw your ad looking for a grill in exchange for your landscaping skills. Do you do tree removal? If so, there is a very expensive grill in it for you.

 

Thanks,

 

Mike

 

From josh ******* to Me:

 

yes

 

From me to josh *******:

 

Great! There is a pine tree that has been bothering me and I want it cut down. You won't have to remove it. It hasn't been a problem until about two years ago when it got much taller. My problem with it is that it is obscuring the view to my neighbor's upstairs bathroom window. I used to have a perfect view of the neighbor's wife changing in the bathroom every day. She had great tits and an ass that was out of this world. It really completed my morning whenever I caught a glimpse of her. Now that this damn pine tree is in the way, I can't see a thing.

 

If you could go onto my neighbor's property and cut the tree down while they are at work, I will let you take the grill that is outside on their patio. I'm not sure what brand it is, but it is a gigantic propane grill. It looks really nice.

 

If they ask about it, I will tell them that a huge storm happened while they were at work, and the wind blew the tree over and blew the grill away. Meanwhile you will be enjoying a delicious salisbury steak from your new grill, and I wil be enjoying my neighbor's hot wife as she steps into the shower.

 

They usually leave for work around 7:30 AM during the week, and come back home around 6:00 PM. If you could have it done before they get back on Monday, that would be great.

 

Thanks,

 

Mike

 

From josh ******* to Me:

 

wat the fuck r u smoking dude? so i cut down ur neigbors tree and u let me steal his grille. what a grate deal ass hole. how bout i just take the grille and dont cut down the tree u fuck

 

From me to josh *******:

 

You don't know where his house is, so how are you going to steal the grill? I think my information in exchange for your services is a fair trade. I'll even let you come over for a few beers afterward, and we can watch the wife in the bathroom from my bedroom window.

 

Mike

 

From josh ******* to Me:

 

i dont want a stolen grille i want a real grille u retard wat da fuck is ur problem. and i dont give a shit bout naked neigbor u fuckin perv

 

From me to josh *******:

 

I assure you that this grill is real. By cutting down the tree, you are earning the grill and it will not be stolen. Also, if seeing a naked woman isn't your thing, you could probably catch the husband changing in the bathroom as well. I won't be watching, but I'm not one to judge your lifestyle.

 

Mike

 

From josh ******* to Me:

 

ur the fagot u dick sucking fuck fag cock sucker!! eat a fuckin dick u piece of shitt!!!

[stoopit]

That one hit the funny bone.

[mountain dew]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1502156330.html

 

Awesome!

[Richard Pryor]

http://perth.craigslist.com.au/m4m/1572151924.html

 

this actually fkn scared me a bit.

 

"

I have this fetish, and well, it's kinda weird. I like young guys, about 18-25, to come over to my place for some fun. Ideally they would be dressed in an orange tracksuit but that's not essential. What I like to do is strip down, slow and sensual (you'd remain fully clothed) and open a few bags of regular party balloons. I will provide the balloons.

 

Can come to you, but would prefer to do it at home as it's a hassle bringing all the balloons in the car, I'd need a suitcase or something.

 

It will be your responsibility to blow up as many balloons as you can, though I will be there to assist if you get out of breath at any stage. This will continue until my bedroom is literally filled with bright and bouncy balloons.

 

I will then sit down on my rocking chair, bedside, and request that you come closer to me. You will pick up a balloon and hold it close to my ear (can be left or right, preferably left). As I masturbate my penis, you will pick up the large needle from my bedside locker and pop the balloon in my ear. (The first balloon must always be red and the last blue, aside from that you may pop them in whatever order you like.)

 

The popping of balloons in my ear will continue to become more and more arousing to me until eventually I will come close to reaching a climax and stop. (I don't feel I deserve to reach orgasm so I have trained myself not to)

 

After that, you will read me a short story from my childhood book of fairytales. Preferably something classic such as Cinderella or Snow White. I would love to drift off into a slumber feeling like the prettiest princess in all the land. You will be required to read to me until I am fast asleep. Don't worry, it won't take very long as I always sleep extremely soundly after partaking in a balloon service.

 

- Cuddy "