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SPORTO

Santa is a Snowblower

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Yall ain't heard that before? Shit was a lot funnier when raves existed, still good though.

 

Honestly, who here used to go to raves? Just use an different account if you are embarrased about telling people.

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I went to a few of those shits, but it was against my better judgement. Some funny shit did happen, though:

 

1. I was at a 'party' under the Ambassador Bridge (linking Detroit to Canada) with a head full of chemicals when I see this car driving through the middle of everything. I turn to some guy and go "Yo man, what the fuck is that car doing there?" and he responds "Car? What... ca-..... yo man, fuck.. COPS!" This immediately sends panic rattling through their UFO pants and ecstacy-laden spines of everyone around me. Being 5 to the floor on liquid-evil I decide that, besides trespassing, the cops don't have shit on me. Meanwhile 600 kids are hurdling fences, throwing palm-fulls of drugs, and generally stampeding one-another. Being the suave motherfucker I am, I walk up to the cop car and knock on the window to say hi. The window rolls down and the first thing I see are two Detroit cops laughing their asses off and pointing at all the people running away. The cop in the driver's seat turns to me and it goes like this: "Hey, you guys out there doing nitrous!!?!?" "Uh.. well, not at the moment..." "Well, guess what? WE ARE!!!!" At this point the cop riding shotty points to the back seat where there is, in fact, a tank (masks and all), lets off an end-all hoot, grabs the intercom, and announces "DO NOT RUN! YOU ARE NOT UNDER ARREST! WE DO NOT GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU ARE DOING TONITE!" The window rolls up. The car drives off. I'm left standing in a vacant lot with a head full of acid not really sure if the past 3 minutes actually ever happened.

 

2. Some kid sells us a bunch of plasticman *bannable*. We let it dissolve, nothing happens. 45 minutes go by and we find 15 other people who bought similar product off this kid. We come to the group consenus that 'nobody's feeling anything' and decide to lynch this kid. My friends and I run up on the kid, empty his pockets (a $125 return on our $40), take his hat, and make him give the rest of 'it' to the people who's money we just took from him. Then, 15 minutes later, a funny thing happened: the sky started glowing, everything slowed down, and I had a sudden urge to set fire to everything around me. I guess it wasn't fake.

 

3. I go to an afterparty with a bunch of raver kids about 100 miles from my house. We get to the party and it's a bunch of fashion-hacks and techno heads sucking down coke, speed, and k. The guy who owns the house is named Greg and he's rich as fuck. I go 'Hey Greg... nice place... this all yours?' Greg gets nervous, mumbles 'Yeash, somsomething liketa that...' and runs into the basement. I lead my team of delinquents down to where they are and start twisting an L. After it's prepared I go up to Greg and ask him if he wants to come outside and partake. Dude refuses. Ten minutes later, while outside, another friend of mine who had missed the call to smoke comes outside. "What the fuck did you say to Greg, bro?" "What? I asked him if he wanted to smoke this..." "Was that it? Are you sure?" "Well, I asked him if this was his place earlier.." "I dunno man, but Greg's freaked out. He wants us to leave. He think you're trying to rob him and it's making everyone really nervous down in that basement." I laugh, point out that rich kids on head drugs are a bunch of corney fucks, hop in my car and drive home with eyes full of bottlerockets and daggers. Along the way I experience 'The perfect corner' and decide I'd rather hang out with the cops than Greg and his team of flakes.

 

Raves are gay.

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