Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
Sign in to follow this  


Recommended Posts



To the citizens of the United States of America,


In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to

govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective today.


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over

all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she

does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for

the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world

outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need

for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A

questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules

are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then

look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at

just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise

your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the


twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you

know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up



2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf.


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It

really isn't that hard.


4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the

good guys.


5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",

but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get

confused and give up half way through.


6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of

football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good


The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders

may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no

longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a


game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby

(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for

a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like

nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by



7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if

they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there


a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians

have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".


8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new

national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".


9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your

own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.


10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.


Thank you for your cooperation.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

What the world would be like if ruled by men


1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically

forward your call to her real number.


2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an

acceptable response to "I love you."


3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.


4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during

the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen

during a time-out.


5. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and

a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.


6. Birth control would come in ale or lager.


7. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of

people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."


8. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of

the NFL team of your choice.


9. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.


10. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night"

would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.


11. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd

jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and

right into your car like Fred Flintstone.


12. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put

on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.


13. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for

violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.


14. Tanks would be far easier to rent.


15. Garbage would take itself out.


16. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."


17. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present

your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"


18. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it

would only occur in leap years.


19. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the

day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.


20. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.

But it would be celebrated every month.


21. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in

advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.


22. Two words: Ally McNaked.


23. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer

and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative

pay-per-view event in world history.


24. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill

and eat the losers.


25. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be

Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.


26. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long

as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.


27. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards

per year.


28. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you

responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"

You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."

Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."


29. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."


30. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.


31. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.


32. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Register for a 12ozProphet forum account or sign in to comment

You need to be a forum member in order to comment. Forum accounts are separate from shop accounts.

Create an account

Register to become a 12ozProphet forum member.

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this