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POIESIS

Uncomfortable Situations

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Originally posted by Avancier@Nov 22 2005, 11:51 AM

Once when I was still living at home, I came home in the afternoon. My youngest brother was and still is always there during the day. He didnt have a car back then, he was only like maybe 14 or 15. He is like 19 now and everytime I go over to my folks house he is there, just waking up and shit. I have officially dubbed him the 'house nigga'. Anyway, that afternoon I walk into the living room, where he never heard me come in because he had the vaccuum cleaner running. As I walked in the room I look to the left where the couch is and he is sitting on the couch, ass naked, with the god damn vaccuum cleaner on his cock. The look on his face was priceless. I just went back into the kitchen and lost my shit! He was so fucking embarrased. So, being a big brother I told my boys and for like 2 years after that we called him "Vaccuum Boy".

Damn that's a really good way to ruin your penix forever.

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when i was in highschool, i was banging this chick who had a boyfriend (i happened to know this kid pretty well) one day i roll by her house to peep her out, and her man happened to be walking home from school right past her crib....he walks over and asks if me julia is home...i was like "nah"...and got in my car and drove away... haha...kinda awkward...

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Guest imported_El Mamerro

So one day back in Providence I find a message on my machine from a man named Mr. Aziz. He wanted to talk to me about a freelance job proposition. Total WTF moment, you can imagine the billion things that went through my head.

 

Anyways, I call him back. The guy is fucking awesome, gentlest, kindest person ever. He's an ex-pro basketball player-turned-social worker who had an idea to start an athletic footwear company and wanted me to develop some prototype concepts based on a portfolio of mine he had seen online. I was like "Hell yeah, let's do this" and we agreed to meet the following day at my place to sign a non-disclosure agreement and he would present to me this radical wild new shoe concept. So you know, I cleaned up a bit and told my roomate about it, and he was like "Ok, I gotta leave super early before that so don't worry about me". I was pumped. This sounded exciting.

 

Next morning arrives and the doorbell rings. I open the door and find a fucking enormous (6'9" or so) version of Isaac Hayes wearing a huge trenchcoat and holding a briefcase. Holy shit. So I let him in, he takes off his coat, and proceeds to FREAK THE FUCK OUT when our dog runs over to meet him. Literally, this huge dude is cowering in a corner of my living room trying to hide from an 8-lb shih tzu puppy. Truns out this guy is a VERY devout Muslim, and can't allow any dog hair to land on his clothes, or he won't be able to pray in them as his faith demands. I'm super weirded out by now. So I grab the dog and head over to my roommate's door to put the dog inside while the meeting lasts. I open the door and he's still there, with his girlfriend, completely passed the fuck out. So I let the dog in and tell my roommate to please chill and look after the dog for an hour or so, and he mumbles some sort of reply. I close the door and head back.

 

So dude opens up his laptop and boots up Powerpoint. Right from the first slide I knew I was about to be treated to full-blown Powerpoint cheez, complete with wacky clipart animations and irritating music. I sit back and try to relax and listen to what this giant dude has to say, but then something catches my ear.

 

Above the boings and bings of the shitty MIDI background music I hear a faint thumping. And then a woman moans.

 

Oh no.

 

Here I am, sitting in my living room with a firmly devout Muslim guy roughly the size and shape of refrigerator standing on a stool, listening to him present his ideas, and my roommate is having the fucking loudest sex ever in the room next door. BANG BANG BANG. I swear, I actually said "WOW I LOVE THIS LITTLE MUSIC DEAL YOU GOT ON THIS PRESENTATION, LET'S TURN IT UP A BIT!!" and tried to continue talking, frantically trying to drown out the sounds from the next room with my own voice. It wasn't working out. I was saying the most absurd shit, asking the stupidest questions, ANYTHING to distract from the sounds of dirty drunken sex filling up the entire house. It escalated to screams and you could literally hear them bouncing across the room, you could even tell what positions they were busting.

 

Al this time, Mr. Aziz hasn't uttered a word. He just continues to gently explain each slide and clicking the "next" button. I can't tell if he's aware of what's happening. There's absolutely no mistaking what's going on next door. There's no possible way he can't hear it. I have no clue if I should pretend nothing's happening and just keep on going or if I should apologize right on the spot and go scream at my roommate's door. All I know is that I am fucking this up big time.

 

Eventually the screaming and humping subsided and it was all back to normal. I wanted to fucking throw myself out the windown from embarrassment. Then when I thought everything was gonna be OK, the door busts open and my roommate and his girlfriend come out wearing bath robes. He's sporting a semi-chub through his. The fucking dog runs out and immediately goes to terrify Mr. Aziz again. My roommate stares at me blankly and realizes what he's done.

 

All I could say was "Mr. Aziz, this is my roommate Guillermo and his girlfriend".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The meeting ended soon thereafter and we agreed to keep in touch. Somehow, it all worked out in the end and I got to work on some pretty sweet footwear technologies with Mr. Aziz, who was a fucking champ and never said a thing about the event.

 

My roommate and his girlfriend however, were my bitches for quite a long time to make up for what they put me through. They basically begged on their knees for me to never tell anyone cause they were so embarrassed by it. Obviously I never agreed.

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You know when your a really small ass child in like kindergarten or some shit... sometimes you dont know if the memory in your head is exactly correct but something has been haunting me since then... heres my story:

 

In kindergarten i had my first boyfriend hhaha well after checking eachothers units in a hallway in front of the bathrooms he comes with me into the girls bathroom cus i had to take a poodie. And it wasnt anything the toilet couldnt handle prolly just a couple of turds.. anyways me and chris look into the toilet after im done and we came to the conclusion instead of flushing it we need to throw it away. So we get those toilet seat cover things and try to scoop it out without putting our hands in it.. but then chris sticks his hands in and hands me a turd and we go throw what we have away. Then our kindergarten teacher comes in and screams and slaps our hands and makes us drop our turds and she tells us to go wash our hands and we did... end

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and thus began the scat porn career.

 

I dont really get awkward. I kinda just float along.

 

Like one time I was in the backseat of a friends car with his dirty dog while him and his wifey were in the front seat. The dog was a spazzmatic motherfucker that was covering me in hair and mud. I was trying to figure out a way to incompassitate the animal without either of them getting angry and/or crying. So I kinda just sat there and listened to my friend driving and talking to the dog in a baby/Tom Green voice.

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Originally posted by guerillaeye+Nov 22 2005, 11:32 AM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (guerillaeye - Nov 22 2005, 11:32 AM)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-Herbivore@Nov 22 2005, 11:15 AM

When I was about 13 I found out my older sister was a lesbian by seeing her 69'ing another girl on a video I found in her room.

 

link now

[/b]

Sorry bro, this was 12 years ago, and it was a VHS I found in her room... not that I'd post a link even if there was one.

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this isn't quite 'uncomfortable' in the sense i originally intended for the thread, since it didn't bother me much, but whatever.

a few years ago during the summer i decided to spend the money and try

parachuting. i get to the training session and scope out the situation. eventually

a shitload of people show up, many first timers as well.

so you go through and do the exercises

to prepare and stuff, and one of them is where you practice your landing.

well i get up there, and there's a good 20-25 people waiting below, all watching

me intently to practice my landing. well, i jump off the ledge and proceed to bring my knees up and widen the space between them. basically you are flying down at a crowd of onlookers with your legs spread eagle. as soon as i do this maneuver i instantly rip a massive hole in my shorts..and to my horror, realize i have no undies on and am exposing my dudes for all to see. everyone laughed it up good

including me. anyhow...this just reminded me of some guy one of my buddies knows who had a stick impale his scrotum after a snowboarding wipe out. ouch.

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my homie had never tripped before, and upon taking 4-5 hits he started wigging out. he goes home, decides to take a shower, well yadayadayada he ends up getting tackled by the police in the street butt ass naked. he told me that he thought the devil was after him or something.

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when i was a little bit younger i was talking to some dude who was pretty up in my city and we were planning on meeting up one day, and we had tossed around doing it on a random sunday when his boy from paris or something was coming over, we could meet at one of the famous (due to location, i promise) cheesteak joints in philly, well, it was one of those things where its mentioned but never really followed through on...so, i go down to visit a friend who has a house coincidentally on the same street as the cheesteak jaun, on my walk from the train station to his house im hit with this i-dont-know-what pain in not just my chest, but seemingly coming straight from my heart...it gets to the point where i have to sit down and it just keeps getting worse...so im like sitting here doubled over with some crazy ass heart attack going on, with my friend laughing (concerned laughter im sure) and i look up and see dude walking down the street with his boy, im guessing going to get some food. as he walks buy i seriously had to like muster the strength to say his name, so i guess i kinda yelled/said in an unnatural kinda voice, wich caused him to turn around in panic only to see some young ass kid gripping his chest like "...yo", i tried explaing to him what was going on or whatever but it came out in a couple grunts and i sat back down...he introduced his friend and was like "well, uhh, im going to get going?"

 

haha, that craziest thing is i used to just get those random ass pains out of no where and it just suddenly stopped

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I got into a guy conversation about this girl that was engaged and what a piece of shit I thought she was for going around fucking everyone...while she was engaged. Apparently my roommate's phone accidentaly dialed her and she got to hear every last juicy drop of what I said...and believe me...I didn't hold back in the slightest. My roommate being the jackass that he was...picked up his phone...said hello...figured out who it was, handed it to me and then ran off. The situation was made worse by me being one of the guys.

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Alright. So I am on my step uncles boat and we are sailing on some rough seas and I proper nead a shit. So I go into the little boat toilet and its going up and down etc etc and gettin smashed by waves. My whole family and step family is on the deck or whatever you call the livin room of a boat, and I am takin this shit. Then I decide to hit one off as it had been a while and it felt like a good thing to say that I jerked off at sea haha. So anyway it comes to flushing this badboy and his friend down the hole and well yeh you guessed it, the whole toilet litarally jams up and there is water goin all over my shoes and shit and I am freakin out. So I decide to take my shoes and socks off and stand in this fucked up water, and wonder how I can get all this shit down a pipe thats fuckin small. There is no way. I have to resort to using my fuckin hands to pull that shit back out and flush it down bit by bit... so anyway quite distrubed about what I just had to do, I proceed back up to the deck after scrubbin my hands clean and my unle says "You want to take the wheel?" and I just say "Nar you really dont want me to do that...."

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I remember once in high school, after i take a piss in the bathroom i flushed the toilet(with my foot) and then proceeded to wash my hands and leave, i notice the toilet was flushing for a very long time, then i hear the loud creaking and then SPLASH! a hole must have busted in the pipe and water just jetted out of the stall, the water shooting out of the pipe was so strong it pushed the stall door open and splashed all over the wall, water rained every where, luckily i was standing out side of the way so i wouldent get wet, after the jetting water subsides i say to myself "huh, this is kinda cool" so then i run into the stall and flush the toilet again and then run the hell out of the stall befor i get shot with piss water, at almost the exact same moment, this Norten mexican dude who shoulders me out of the way barrels in and he runs into the stall thats was just about to explode with water, i watch him run in and take like 100 psi's of pisswater to the face, he fell backwards and let out the worst cry ive ever heard in my life, then i laughed so hard i couldent breath.

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Originally posted by El Mamerro@Nov 22 2005, 06:02 PM

666

this had me laughing so hard. i don't understand their embarassment--at first i thought you were going to say they did it on purpose. either way, that's excellent.

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