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Uncomfortable Situations


POIESIS

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You know when your a really small ass child in like kindergarten or some shit... sometimes you dont know if the memory in your head is exactly correct but something has been haunting me since then... heres my story:

 

In kindergarten i had my first boyfriend hhaha well after checking eachothers units in a hallway in front of the bathrooms he comes with me into the girls bathroom cus i had to take a poodie. And it wasnt anything the toilet couldnt handle prolly just a couple of turds.. anyways me and chris look into the toilet after im done and we came to the conclusion instead of flushing it we need to throw it away. So we get those toilet seat cover things and try to scoop it out without putting our hands in it.. but then chris sticks his hands in and hands me a turd and we go throw what we have away. Then our kindergarten teacher comes in and screams and slaps our hands and makes us drop our turds and she tells us to go wash our hands and we did... end

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and thus began the scat porn career.

 

I dont really get awkward. I kinda just float along.

 

Like one time I was in the backseat of a friends car with his dirty dog while him and his wifey were in the front seat. The dog was a spazzmatic motherfucker that was covering me in hair and mud. I was trying to figure out a way to incompassitate the animal without either of them getting angry and/or crying. So I kinda just sat there and listened to my friend driving and talking to the dog in a baby/Tom Green voice.

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Originally posted by guerillaeye+Nov 22 2005, 11:32 AM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (guerillaeye - Nov 22 2005, 11:32 AM)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-Herbivore@Nov 22 2005, 11:15 AM

When I was about 13 I found out my older sister was a lesbian by seeing her 69'ing another girl on a video I found in her room.

 

link now

[/b]

Sorry bro, this was 12 years ago, and it was a VHS I found in her room... not that I'd post a link even if there was one.

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this isn't quite 'uncomfortable' in the sense i originally intended for the thread, since it didn't bother me much, but whatever.

a few years ago during the summer i decided to spend the money and try

parachuting. i get to the training session and scope out the situation. eventually

a shitload of people show up, many first timers as well.

so you go through and do the exercises

to prepare and stuff, and one of them is where you practice your landing.

well i get up there, and there's a good 20-25 people waiting below, all watching

me intently to practice my landing. well, i jump off the ledge and proceed to bring my knees up and widen the space between them. basically you are flying down at a crowd of onlookers with your legs spread eagle. as soon as i do this maneuver i instantly rip a massive hole in my shorts..and to my horror, realize i have no undies on and am exposing my dudes for all to see. everyone laughed it up good

including me. anyhow...this just reminded me of some guy one of my buddies knows who had a stick impale his scrotum after a snowboarding wipe out. ouch.

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when i was a little bit younger i was talking to some dude who was pretty up in my city and we were planning on meeting up one day, and we had tossed around doing it on a random sunday when his boy from paris or something was coming over, we could meet at one of the famous (due to location, i promise) cheesteak joints in philly, well, it was one of those things where its mentioned but never really followed through on...so, i go down to visit a friend who has a house coincidentally on the same street as the cheesteak jaun, on my walk from the train station to his house im hit with this i-dont-know-what pain in not just my chest, but seemingly coming straight from my heart...it gets to the point where i have to sit down and it just keeps getting worse...so im like sitting here doubled over with some crazy ass heart attack going on, with my friend laughing (concerned laughter im sure) and i look up and see dude walking down the street with his boy, im guessing going to get some food. as he walks buy i seriously had to like muster the strength to say his name, so i guess i kinda yelled/said in an unnatural kinda voice, wich caused him to turn around in panic only to see some young ass kid gripping his chest like "...yo", i tried explaing to him what was going on or whatever but it came out in a couple grunts and i sat back down...he introduced his friend and was like "well, uhh, im going to get going?"

 

haha, that craziest thing is i used to just get those random ass pains out of no where and it just suddenly stopped

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I got into a guy conversation about this girl that was engaged and what a piece of shit I thought she was for going around fucking everyone...while she was engaged. Apparently my roommate's phone accidentaly dialed her and she got to hear every last juicy drop of what I said...and believe me...I didn't hold back in the slightest. My roommate being the jackass that he was...picked up his phone...said hello...figured out who it was, handed it to me and then ran off. The situation was made worse by me being one of the guys.

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Alright. So I am on my step uncles boat and we are sailing on some rough seas and I proper nead a shit. So I go into the little boat toilet and its going up and down etc etc and gettin smashed by waves. My whole family and step family is on the deck or whatever you call the livin room of a boat, and I am takin this shit. Then I decide to hit one off as it had been a while and it felt like a good thing to say that I jerked off at sea haha. So anyway it comes to flushing this badboy and his friend down the hole and well yeh you guessed it, the whole toilet litarally jams up and there is water goin all over my shoes and shit and I am freakin out. So I decide to take my shoes and socks off and stand in this fucked up water, and wonder how I can get all this shit down a pipe thats fuckin small. There is no way. I have to resort to using my fuckin hands to pull that shit back out and flush it down bit by bit... so anyway quite distrubed about what I just had to do, I proceed back up to the deck after scrubbin my hands clean and my unle says "You want to take the wheel?" and I just say "Nar you really dont want me to do that...."

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I remember once in high school, after i take a piss in the bathroom i flushed the toilet(with my foot) and then proceeded to wash my hands and leave, i notice the toilet was flushing for a very long time, then i hear the loud creaking and then SPLASH! a hole must have busted in the pipe and water just jetted out of the stall, the water shooting out of the pipe was so strong it pushed the stall door open and splashed all over the wall, water rained every where, luckily i was standing out side of the way so i wouldent get wet, after the jetting water subsides i say to myself "huh, this is kinda cool" so then i run into the stall and flush the toilet again and then run the hell out of the stall befor i get shot with piss water, at almost the exact same moment, this Norten mexican dude who shoulders me out of the way barrels in and he runs into the stall thats was just about to explode with water, i watch him run in and take like 100 psi's of pisswater to the face, he fell backwards and let out the worst cry ive ever heard in my life, then i laughed so hard i couldent breath.

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i was bombing one night it was all good we was about to leave the spot then we hear some one grunting or someshit he was makin a wierd noise, we hid in back of some trees and we see this BUM he was puttin newspaper on the floor in the middle of no where he pulls his pants down and starts to take a shit! i guess he saw us or heard us but he pulled his pants up and then said "you gotta do what you gotta do!" we was like nasty ass mother fucker took a shit and didnt wipe his ass even tho he had newspaper! he used it on the floor instead!

some shit u see while bombing........................

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Guest Dyptheria

about a year ago, i went to a birthday party for the drummer of this band i was in. it was at this yuppie infested cigar bar. Indian food and beer never seems to sit well in my stromach, so suddenly i feel this intense urge to shit. i make my way to the restroom, and start to unload.

 

while i'm in there, some asshole leaves and shuts off the lights. so i'm in a toilet stall in the dark, and in walks a bouncer. he hears me trying to get my ass wiped and my pants up, and he just says to me, "yo this isn't the place, we're not cool with that stuff around here" so i'm assuming he thinks i'm shooting up dope since i was in the dark. yeah doesn't make much sense, you would need light to work a needle, wouldn't you?

 

so i leave the rest room, and there's a grip of security meatheads and bouncers waiting for me. i tell them i was taking a shit. the music's quit loud, so have to yell it, and the fact that there's a bunch of neanderthal knuckle dragging bouncers surrounding me, i'm the center of attention. "YES I WAS TAKING A SHIT!"

 

needless to say, i left right after that. thank god i hate yupies, so i really wasn't embarassed about disturbing the flow of their evening with the image of me on the toilet.

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