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Take Me Out to the Ballpark

Meet Your Seattle Mariners and Their Entertaining Penises




April's here, spring is in the air, and the Seattle Mariners are back in swing! Everybody knows that our hometown heroes are celebrated far and wide for the high quality of their baseball play. Fewer people know about the equally high quality of their inspired locker-room shenanigans. Like heroic sportsmen throughout the ages, the manly Mariners understand the morale-boosting, stress-busting, team-building powers of penis play. In honor of the new season, The Stranger penetrates the M's locker room to bring readers a special report on Seattle's most popular ball players -- and their specialty penis tricks!




Tricks are arranged by degree of difficulty. Should you wish to duplicate any of the Mariners' penile feats, M's spokesman Richard Hertz suggests practicing in warm water -- a bath, your gym's showers -- to promote flexibility and decrease the chance of painful injury. Stretch out, eat your Wheaties, and give 110 percent at all times, and you'll find these tricks just get easier and easier, while you get more and more popular. Play hard, or play soft, but play to win!







The Sex Change


Meche's boyish good looks are quickly transformed to girlish prettiness when he breaks this one out in the showers. Meche simply tucks his penis between his legs, concealing it to the viewers in front of him. Thanks to his triangular thatch of pubic hair, he now looks exactly like a girl! The effect is maximized when he minces about, discussing upcoming Nordstrom sales in a high, girly voice, and asks rookies to buy him drinks. Meche originally developed the trick to avoid painful towel-snaps as a frail junior-high-schooler, but it's served him well during his speedy ascent to the major leagues.





The Brain


Hometown hero John Olerud knows all about the brain's importance -- he's the only guy in baseball who wears a batting helmet in the field to protect his noggin from ferocious line drives. To create "the brain," Olerud simply pulls his scrotum up over his penis, then pins the sac against his legs with his spread fingers to form an oval shape. The wrinkled surface of his scrotum, divided into two hemispheres by the underlying testes, is remarkably similar to a top view of the human brain! Olerud's spicy "brain" displays are his little way of explaining his idiosyncratic helmet practices to his dumbfounded teammates, and illustrating the frailty of human knowledge.





The Turtle


This trick is exactly like the brain, except Buhner leaves the tip of his penis sticking out of the top of his stretched scrotum, like the head of a turtle. In addition to crowd-pleasing locker room displays, this number's a big hit at Make-a-Wish Foundation events. (Kids love turtles.)







The Monk


Soft-spoken designated hitter Martinez has just made his 11th opening day appearance with the Mariners for two reasons: He talks softly, and he carries a big stick -- in more ways than one. His mood-easing mellowness, his work ethic, his patience at the plate, and his intelligence make his favorite penis trick a perfect fit.


To perform the monk, Martinez pulls the head of his penis as far up as he can, while using his other hand to pull his testes down as far as they'll comfortably go. His penis begins to resemble a praying monk in his robes -- an effect he assists by chanting fake Latin in a low monotone.




The Sailboat


Bell likes to pull his penis straight out with one hand, while lifting a flap of his scrotum up on one side of the shaft to serve as the sail. Hell-oooo, sailor! The fun-loving Bell likes to annoy his rap- and rock-loving teammates by accompanying this trick with an a cappella rendition of his favorite Christopher Cross hit -- "Saaay-ling/Takes me awaaaaayyy...."




The Flying Saucer


His impressive on-field composure may have earned him the nickname "The Chief," but Freddy Garcia's green age of 24 shows through as he delights in "zapping" his locker-room buddies while performing the saucer. For this trick, hard-throwing righty Garcia pulls the skin of his scrotum straight out in front of him. This represents the flying saucer. Then he walks around pretending to shoot "laser beams" out of his protruding "laser cannon." After a messy incident in Double-A ball, Garcia has stopped trying to urinate while performing the saucer -- it lent little verisimilitude, and resulted in him peeing all over himself.






Space Station Mir: Docking Sequence


To perform this impressive number, McLemore needs a buddy, and not just any buddy! Space Station Mir requires two participants -- including one in possession of a real, working foreskin. Once McClemore's found his foreskinned fella (usually a Polish waterboy), he faces his hooded buddy. The pair hold their penises out at 90-degree angles from their bodies, then pull the foreskin of one penis over the head of the other, mimicking the famous USSR/USA joint space mission. Homosexual panic usually prevents most ballplayers from performing this trick -- but not "switch-hitting" McLemore!




The Helicopter


He's handsome. He hits for power. He steals bases. He turns double plays. Is there any surprise that team leader and starting shortstop Alex (A-Rod) Rodriguez specializes in the most difficult and dangerous of penis tricks?


The helicopter is an "action" trick (as opposed to an "image" trick), and as such, it should only be attempted by those who have mastered the basic penis tricks. To perform the helicopter, Rodriguez carefully winds his penis around his scrotum, while simultaneously winding his scrotum in the same direction. Once the edge of his comfort zone is almost breached, he lets go. If done properly, his penis will spin itself out to produce a preternaturally helicopter-like action.




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Originally posted by casekonly+Jul 28 2005, 02:29 AM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (casekonly - Jul 28 2005, 02:29 AM)</div><div class='quotemain'>wtf? you shouldn't be allowed to browse the internet.



<!--QuoteBegin-GrimeyLife1@Jul 28 2005, 02:41 AM

haha,synaps you a fool kid






the funny thing is you guys have probably mastered 6 of the 8 tricks explained in this thread :haha:

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I like to flex the muscle when it's in a mouth


shes like "whoa are you about to.."

I'm all "nah it generally takes another 40 min., sorry"

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yeah. i was a little upset that left out quite a few of the essential tricks





bar spaceship dicking, i can do all of them and a few others.

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