synaps Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 http://ironhymen.com/ # Unlike your girly privates, which are internal, boy privates are external. God knew that nobody wanted to see all our lady mess, so He pushed everything up inside you. What in tarnation He was thinking when he came up with that nasty, dangling, squishy flesh on boys beats the heck out of me, but I suspect it was so it would be easier for Him to keep an eye on what they're up to. Because trust me: that grotesque grab bag of horror and disappointment is always up to something, gals. # Boy privates are often said to resemble hot dogs, although if you ask me, the ones I've seen always called to mind something like those cute little Austrian cocktail weenies they sell 8 to a can. But I think famed author Lynne Cheney described the male unmentionable best when she recalled recoiling at "an old Frankenstein's monster bratwurst that looked like it had rolled under the couch for a month and got covered in dust bunnies and would make you spit up if you even so much as halfheartedly nibbled the tip of it." # Though erotically sensitive just like girl nipples, boy nipples are NOT privates – yet. But my husband and I are working hard to instill a sense of sexualized body shame so acute, that one day soon boys will learn that their nipples are dirty little things that will get them – just like you! – arrested when they strut around topless at Myrtle Beach. America is not some big, old licentious San Tropez and it's time all of you out there realized it! # The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs. That's why all the girls who do "it" always get so fat and ugly and have that ulcerated skin that screams to everyone in church, "I am an insatiable slut!" # While almost all American boys have human-looking privates, most foreign boys have privates like German Shepherds or half-open tubes of Max Factor lipstick. # Because boys use the business end of their privates as a pipe for going number one, touching it is pretty much the same as taking a bath in a Mexican's toilet. # If you play your cards right, the revolting little wrinkled purse part of boy privates is something a Christian lady can go throughout her entire life without ever seeing. But knowing where it is can come in mighty handy when called upon to give a "not until marriage" warning kick. # When a boy's disgusting private goes inside of a girl's shameful unmentionable, there is a serious risk of it breaking off and causing excruciating pain while it travels throughout your body like a giant trichinosis worm. # Up until the moment in your wedding when he says "I do," a boy's privates sport a treacherous spine of jagged scales, which may or may not secrete acid and weapons-grade anthrax – for which, apparently, only Ann Coulter has developed the antibodies. # God designed a boy's privates as part sword, part battering-ram, to joyously stab and hammer you with on the magical night you begin your life-long tethering to the man who'll liberate you from the drudgery of ever having to make your own decisions – except when to have a headache or give an "I don't like this" bite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GLIK$ Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fatalist Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 hahaha, damn! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
synaps Posted July 19, 2005 Author Share Posted July 19, 2005 I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge: 1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it's just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!) 2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it. 3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable. 4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises. 5. To never have premarital sex, because Jesus doesn't want anyone messing around inside my girly hole until after His church makes some money off a wedding. I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from: Forcing my wonderful parents to use "tough love" and kick me out of the house for embarrassing them by being such a little whore. Having adoption-hungry homosexuals circle my pregnant belly like vultures, hell-bent on corrupting my unwanted bastard child with their sicko "love." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
synaps Posted July 19, 2005 Author Share Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by synaps@Jul 19 2005, 04:10 PM 2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it. Quoted post what in the fuck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fatalist Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by synaps@Jul 19 2005, 04:10 PM I,FATALIST, hereby pledge: 1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it's just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!) 2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it. 3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable. 4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises. 5. To never have premarital sex, because Jesus doesn't want anyone messing around inside my girly hole until after His church makes some money off a wedding. I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from: Forcing my wonderful parents to use "tough love" and kick me out of the house for embarrassing them by being such a little whore. Having adoption-hungry homosexuals circle my pregnant belly like vultures, hell-bent on corrupting my unwanted bastard child with their sicko "love." Quoted post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fatalist Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises. THIS HAD ME ROLLING! :haha: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MAGS156 Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by synaps+Jul 19 2005, 12:11 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (synaps - Jul 19 2005, 12:11 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-synaps@Jul 19 2005, 04:10 PM 2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it. Quoted post what in the fuck Quoted post [/b] only a whore would wear open-toed shoes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
casekonly Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 it is my new mission to conquer all women who might wear the iron hymen thong Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnnyHorton Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 # The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs. That's why all the girls who do "it" always get so fat and ugly and have that ulcerated skin that screams to everyone in church, "I am an insatiable slut!" # Because boys use the business end of their privates as a pipe for going number one, touching it is pretty much the same as taking a bath in a Mexican's toilet. # God designed a boy's privates as part sword, part battering-ram, to joyously stab and hammer you with on the magical night you begin your life-long tethering to the man who'll liberate you from the drudgery of ever having to make your own decisions – except when to have a headache or give an "I don't like this" bite. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CACashRefund Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 They forgot "never get a tattoo which sits right above my ass in the lower back region" Oh yeah, its the mark of the beast(tramp) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
casekonly Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 http://www.sexisforfags.com/ Having sex is NOT cool, no matter what the mainstream liberal media tells you. Girls' vaginas are just like venus flytraps: multi-fanged jaws waiting for your tasty bits to slither into their poisonous quicksand. So no matter how much it seems to hurt not to find solace in sticky backseat groping sessions, don't give in to temptation. But how? Simple! Just get heavy into these ten awesome sex-avoidance activities! 1. STUDY FOR SCHOOL! Hitting the old books is a great way to counteract the nasty hormones bubbling through your smelly parts. Because the last thing any cool boy wants to be is that dude who was so obsessed with scoring a "home run," that he grew up to become a PCP-snorting janitor who caught genital leprosy from a dead homeless woman. Wanna be President instead? Sure, you'll need a perfect 2.5 GPA, but who wouldn't rather bury his nose in a moldy encyclopedia instead of some old nasty girly thighs? 2. JOIN A BOY SCOUT TROOP! As your awkward, gangly body begins to grow – your muscles blooming, your willowy penis thickening into a sturdy tool, you need the guidance of a middle-aged man who likes to play dress-up and go camping in the woods with hordes of young boys. Then at night, when you're Indian Wrestling wearing the traditional bison hide thong and nothing else, you'll find your burning hunger for "squaw beaver" will flicker out like a citronella candle choked with dead skeeters! 3. PLAY FOOTBALL! Nothing gets icky premarital sex off the brain better than an impromptu game of touch football with your Sex is for Fags brothers. Sinful thoughts dissipate like magic while you writhe under a pile of your buddies' taut high school bodies, bulging zippers grazing firm buttocks, touching, tackling, and wrestling. Then afterwards, you can all take a long, hot, group shower and talk about baseball! 4. GET A PIT BULL! There is nothing more wholesome than a boy and his dog. And at night, when the sin fairies are tickling your shame buds, you can distract yourself by training your bitch to grow up and kill: shaving her, kicking her when she makes on the carpet, and punching her snout so hard she learns never to whine during the rad 7th Heaven reruns which reinforce your awesome "abstinence-only" lifestyle choice. 5. BULLY SOME SISSY! You know that kid in school who dresses a little too well and has lots of platonic "girlfriends"? Yeah, the one who once wore green on Thursday and listens to Britney? Wait for him after school, and once he's walked out of Drama Club, crack him in the kidneys with a golf club. If no one's around, do it again. For good measure, sit on his face and tell him what a homo he is. Of course, you might feel a little worked up after this, so it's okay to take a ball peen hammer to your testicles for relief. 6. PLAY VIDEO GAMES! Spending countless hours playing Halo 2, Doom 3 or Medal of Honor helps you focus on the important things in life, like computer-generated mass murder. It's a valuable skill set, especially for those looking to pursue a career in the military – a noble profession where one blissfully marinates with men in tight spaces for months on end. So the next time your man-pipes rumble, simply take your desires to touch, grope, and melt into another human being, and funnel them into a wholesome virtual homicidal bloodbath! 7. DESTROY STUFF! Tapping in to the zen clarity of senseless destruction is a wonderful way to forget all about the lure of disgusting girls and their sissy privates. Yes, whether it's smashing windows in a vacationing neighbor's house, imploding the heads of Barbie dolls with the business end of an aluminum baseball bat, or setting a hotwired bulldozer loose in an unattended construction site, you and your Sex is for Fags pals will have a majorly cool time purging vile, pornographic fantasies from your testosterone-ravaged minds! 8. DRAG RACE! Have you ever spent hours transfixed by logo-encrusted NASCAR rigs driving in circles, and wondered how come none of the drivers are chicks? Simple, because driving is a man's job. So what better way to forget all about fruity girls than by doing the stuff that is forever closed to them? Besides, you're not really a man until you and your Sex is for Fags brothers sneak out in your dads' luxury SUVs every weekend for a winner-takes-all tournament of 90 MPH "chicken" – played late at night on winding, one-lane dirt roads! 9. GET A JOB! Ask any smart middle-aged dude and he'll tell you: sure, sex may be faggy, but it's also super-expensive! But don't take their word for it. Get yourself a dreary, after-school job as an anonymous drone in some soulless corporation that leeches the life right out of you, then see how much you like parting with your hard-earned money just to buy nice presents for some uppity bimbo who's been so warped by liberalism that she has be bribed into filling her God-given role of servicing your unit. Trust us: you'll be all "No way!" 10. SENSORY DEPRIVATION! Put on five layers of super-baggy clothes, then lock yourself in the closet – along with lots of paper towels for soaking up your urine. While you're there, pray to Christ for guidance – because Jesus hung out with tons of whores, and He never, ever did "it". And why not? So that when He swoops down from heaven in His kickin' white Cadillac Escalade, He'll be able to ID all the sluts and flash-fry them with His laser-beam headlights! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
casekonly Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 http://www.chickenhead.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dead sentiment Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 hahaha.... on a serious tip- its awful how some religious types think that they have surpassed humanity and somehow something like sex, that is natural, has become bad. no wonder our society is so messed... people are raised being told that sex is bad, and then turn into mega-freaks that rape children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dead sentiment Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by casekonly@Jul 19 2005, 11:58 AM http://www.sexisforfags.com/ 7. DESTROY STUFF! Tapping in to the zen clarity of senseless destruction is a wonderful way to forget all about the lure of disgusting girls and their sissy privates. Yes, whether it's smashing windows in a vacationing neighbor's house, imploding the heads of Barbie dolls with the business end of an aluminum baseball bat, or setting a hotwired bulldozer loose in an unattended construction site, you and your Sex is for Fags pals will have a majorly cool time purging vile, pornographic fantasies from your testosterone-ravaged minds! Quoted post lucky #7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Flowling.] Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 Priceless. Hahaha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveAustin Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by synaps@Jul 19 2005, 10:10 AM which could break my vagina's freshness seal Quoted post hahahahahahaha....awesome. that almost makes me want a virgin. almost. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
synaps Posted July 19, 2005 Author Share Posted July 19, 2005 ta hit it up before the expiration date Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rental Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by synaps@Jul 19 2005, 07:53 AM http://ironhymen.com/ # The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs. That's why all the girls who do "it" always get so fat and ugly and have that ulcerated skin that screams to everyone in church, "I am an insatiable slut!" Quoted post i wonder if this is true...i had never thought of it before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Chad Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 that sites a joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iloveboxcars Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 hahahaha. i didn't know this shit was real when you mentioned it fatalist. hahahahahahahhaha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Having adoption-hungry homosexuals circle my pregnant belly like vultures, hell-bent on corrupting my unwanted bastard child with their sicko "love." hahaahaha what a coincidence. i just found this site by randomly clicking on an ad. i think it might be a front for something else. http://tproxy.guardster.com/proxy.php/3330...06ca89751920b00 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smart Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Not to get too technical but... I believe the correct pronunciation is Hoo-Ha, not hoo-hoo... I have also known a girl who called it her "Woo" (which I took to be WHOO! but by the time I was done with her I realized should have probably been Whoa!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havoc Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 is that a joke? cause one girl said "baby cave" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
synaps Posted July 20, 2005 Author Share Posted July 20, 2005 freshness seal is still the best Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraday Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by synaps@Jul 19 2005, 11:10 AM I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge: 4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises. Quoted post ain't THAT the truth.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirty_habiT Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 I'm drinking Steel Reserve.... and laughing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubsface Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 ROSES REALLY SMELL LIKE HOO-HOOOOOO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heavyLox Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 to quote KOH; "AYYY MAMEEE, let me BAAASHH your GAAASHH with my meat!!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILOTSMYBRAIN Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 rofl this is the best thread ever, all girls that actually do belive in this shit, should be killed off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.