Guest beardo Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 holy shit. i was surfing around other boards today in total boredom and came accross one that had a thread about fucked up stories. i wont tell the source and changed names to protect the innocent.. but man o man is this some funny shit This story is being told for the following reasons... 1. This board is more dead than cypher one's hopes of ever getting a date. 2. I am more bored than I have ever been 3. I want to give my detractors ammunition because they need it. The setting: Sophomore Year of High School, end of 91 The characters: Me and two of my best buddies The place: My parents house So, it's a Friday night and I got nothing to do. Me and two of my friends go to another friend's house, who isn't even there. Using some stealth and some bold teenager balls, we go into the house and steal a bottle of Canadian whiskey from his Dad's liquor cabinet. We get in my friend's car and then proceed to my house, where the festivities begin. None of us had really gotten hammered before, especially on liquor, so we were fired up. I got 3 fat juice glasses from the kitchen and the container of orange juice because my pansy friends demanded a chaser. We go up to my room. I fill my juice glass to the brim (about 3 shots worth) and slam it back like a champion. My friends are in awe of my prowess and they all fail to understand how I can down the liquor so massively and without a chaser. They do really weak shots and chase it down, to which I point and laugh, in arrogant style. I immediately fill my glass again and slam it down (another 3). Suddenly, I feel kind of neat and different. As my friends weakly chase down another pansy shot, I take a third glass to the face, as I laugh again at their sheer fagotry. I stand up...and fall down. I see my friend George laughing... (TIME PASSES) ...I wake up. PAIN. Utter pain of the mind. Disoriented. Not knowing what that is in...oh no...in my shorts...squish...oh GOD...what the...I shitt myself. I realize right away, that YES INDEED, I am laying in a nice pile of poop, some of which is encrusted to me, some of which is in my carpet. My mind is pained. Why can't I see anything? Uh...my contacts...where are they if they are not in my eyes? I don't know at this point, so I go into the shower and immediately wash myself. Next step, I put on my glasses and throw away my shorts outside directly into the garbage...uh oh....HURL....at least I was outside for that gutbusting puke-o-rama, the first I ever experienced. WHOA. Pain. Unlike anything before. I go back inside and proceed to clean the carpet to the best of my ability. My next thought...why is there puke all over my room? I realize that I must have barfed everywhere during the missing time period. Where is everyone? My friends were not in the room, so I find them in a different room asleep. I wake them up and RIGHT AWAY they are laughing the hardest I have ever seen anyone laugh. My first question to them "How do you get shitt out of the carpet?" They laugh for 3 minutes and suggest several cleaning products. My next question..."Where are my contacts?" They laugh REALLY LOUD for 3 minutes and say "You couldn't get them out last night, so you put your head in the toilet and flushed it until they came out!" I am in utter amazement at this point and don't remember anything other than George's face after my 3rd glass. I say "What happened?" They proceed to tell me that I took at least two more juice glasses to the face and I got really violent and started breaking stuff, including but not limited to, 2 of the 3 juice glasses. Apparently, I poured the juice all over the place and began hurling in various parts of the room. Supposedly, I sang Pearl Jam songs for a while and was completely insane as my friends watched in amazement. At one point, I fell down and demanded that they call 911 because I was dying. They considered it, but figured it was funnier not to. I remembered none of this. They went home and I stayed home, puking ALL DAY AND NIGHT. The next day after that, I was still sick and puking. Sunday night, I started to recover, just in time for Monday. I went to school Monday and all my friends came up to me and were like "Dude, I heard you shitt yourself on Friday night. That's so nice! Maybe we'll get some diapers for you next time." Oh, yeah. I pooped myself. Feel that friggin story, in all of its brutal honesty. Self-shitter and proud, anonymous added bonus link: http://www.konstruktiv.net/kitty_02.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BullFROG Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 i jsut have to say that that is one of the funniest stories i have heard ina while thanks beardo made me almost shit myself :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bumdigger Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 damn that was one of the best stories i ever heard. 5 stars no doubt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirty_habiT Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 Awww that is hilariously unfortunate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boogie hands Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 fucking hell....i teared up on that one....funny, funny buisness Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KASTsystem Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 that bonus kitty link is hot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
attractive nuisance Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 that makes me feel not as bad about passing out on the lawn at campus on my way home and having some old professor wake me up on his way into work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*see-phore* Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 i just shit myself laughing,ahhhwwwwwwwww,fuck!:) :( :o :D ;) :P :cool: :rolleyes: :mad: :eek: :king: :idea: :dazed: :crazy: :confused: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest --zeSto-- Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 what a pussy! Canadian Club Cheers all around! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bumdigger Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 good thing i wasn't on acid when i checked out the bonus link Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CATS Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 Nice, this is one for the campfire, or to tell his next girlfriend. I bet this kid doesn't touch liquor anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mental invalid Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 ....oh my fucking god.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest beardo Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 i am still laughing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigpoppa.k Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 stop............... my stomach hurts........................... hahahahahahahahahahahahhh.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
podrido Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 ah yeah that was well worth the read lol what it was to b 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Helacious Dr. Dazzle Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 Oh, man, that was good. Go on beardo, tell us who it was...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T.T Boy Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 haha oh go that was good. almost as funny as the time i woke up in my flower bed covered in sea weed like substance and puke.... oh man.. i have a similar story like that that happened to a friend of mine thinking he could be the big drinkier, except i was there to witness all of his actions...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suburbian bum Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 haha sticking your head in the toilet and flushing your contacts out hahahahahhaha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fr8oholic Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 beardo sticky this mang. we all need a little comic relief right now i think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blahblahblah Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 jesus fucking christ beardo...that bonus link! I was staring at it and then i realized it had been about 10 minutes and i was hypnotized. im afraid of cats now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest beardo Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 just for tonight fra8oh..hahaha, it still kills me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vanity Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 my little brother walked home a mile w/ no pants and shit all down his leg. when we went to wake him up there was a nice turd stuck to the wall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shameless self promotion Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 Aight i gotta good one...freshman year of college, me my boy royce, and acouple other peeps go to the bar...royce is on the football team, hence, no id, no problem, so were taking shots at the bar, and were all gettin really really really tore up, all of a sudden royces boys come in and start buying him drinks, so we got acouple more, enough to be nicely fucked up and we go to the dance floor with some girls, well we dont see royce until we get back from the bars at three, and the football guys are carying his ass in the door and just lays him on his stomach on the floor, hes totally blacked out....we go back into the room, and keep drinking...later we come out for a cigarette, and the whole hallway reaks like shit, it smelled soo fucking bad...aparently in the time we were in our room, royce was blacked out, puked, and then proceeded to shit all over his room, well his roomate woke up and saw him just squatting in the middle of his room with his pants on, and he just cheered him on thinkin it was a joke, then he smelt shit, royce drops his pants and wipes his ass on the futon and then falls into his roomates tv...well his roomate got outta bed punched him in the face about five times until he passed out and then left...we thought something wierd was up when we smelt the shit, but we went to bed, the next morning, royces room was open and he was still on the ground with this bowling ball size turd next to him and shit all over the futon....it was hilarious...anyways he dropped out after that because everyone on the football team found out and called him shatty...but anways, i saw him just the other day on campus and i said hi, and we talked for a bit....he told me how he got really drunk the other night and blacked out...i laughed, he smiled and said, hey, at least i didnt shit my pants this time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest beardo Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA SHATTY!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metallix Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 hahahahahahhahaha..>!!! SHIT htats funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcia_vega Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 i had the worst day today until i read that. thanks for cheering me up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CIPHER_one Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 You bastard. If you're referring to I, then spell it right sucka. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smart Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 the kittys gave me seizures... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest serpent of the light Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 DAMN it feels good to be a straight edger. xxx303 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fr8oholic Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 it's officially late nite and i bless you for the sticky crippey i'm wasted.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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