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RIP Mitch Hedberg 1968 - 2005


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Guest fr8lover

awww man....rip mitch. this guy was one of the few original funny people around these days. my favorite bit of his:

 

"I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question."

 

i don't know why i love it so much, it's the delivery. printed quotes of his don't do him justice.

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"Has anyone seen me on Lettermen? 2 billion people watch that show

and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next

comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at

the store."

 

 

"I tried walking into a Target , but I missed."

 

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

 

"I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."

 

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

 

"I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

 

"It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet?

But, hey this song is funky."

 

 

"I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's

way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy

mumbling that ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

 

 

"I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I

accidently wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I

crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot

you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat

operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away."

 

 

 

"And then at the end of the letter i like to write P.S.- This is what part of

the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

 

 

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play,

I'll never be as good a a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless."

 

 

 

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you

throw this away."

 

 

"I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something."

 

"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more

important that others."

 

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

 

 

"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store

long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey

bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just

be yourself."

 

 

"I lke refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just

as good and we're just wasting time."

 

 

"I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad

place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap.

How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it

up real quick?"

 

 

"This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of

$19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy

payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which

payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard."

 

"I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get

a tan instead."

 

 

"I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to

me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if

there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs

you are never blocking a fire exit."

 

"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I

know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me they just say

"Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly."

 

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where

they're going and hook up with them later."

 

"My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed poatoes," I was

like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If your ging to quiz me,

you must put a pause in there."

 

 

 

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would

never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escaloaor

temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

 

"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music"

As though there's another way you can take it in. Your not special.

That's how I recieve it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."

 

 

"I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really

excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he

had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been

impressed."

 

 

"I was at the airport and this guy came up to me and said I saw you on

tv last night. He didn't say if I was any good. He just told me where I

was. So turned away for a minute and said Hey I saw you at the airport a

minute ago. You were good."

 

 

I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know

how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start

flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss.

 

 

 

"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a

picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you

were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that

off? Let me see that camera."

 

 

"I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the

devil and the devil is....Dill."

 

 

"Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get

yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you

have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right."

 

 

"I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said

Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a

drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm

not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you

guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."

 

"I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The

candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's

and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have

that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would

ever run into you."

 

 

"I've been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the

college, because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong

idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone

says "Hey Washington U, Did you go there?" Yeah! It was a

Wednesday."

 

 

"Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a

member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth

three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna

need more stipulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it

again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let

me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for

them."

 

 

"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they

were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had

opened the yogurt wrong.Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me.

Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your

friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

 

 

"I brought a donut and the guy gave me a recieipt for the donut. I don't

need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the

donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into

this. I can not imagine the senerio where I would have to prove that I

broughrt a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get

that donut. I got the documentation right here."

 

 

"When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a

waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane,

party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane,

party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next

name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes,

No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are

missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk

right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a

double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat

once you find the Dufranes."

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Originally posted by The Leader@Mar 31 2005, 07:05 PM

"When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a

waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane,

party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane,

party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next

name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes,

No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are

missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk

right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a

double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat

once you find the Dufranes."

 

that was my favorite part of his comedy central special

 

at first i didn't like his delivery, but i got over it and enjoyed his material, any word on how yet?

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Guest BIGMETALCIRCUS

the way this guy delivered his lines was amazing. even the way he just said "necessary" was hilarious. he got hooked up on a freight tonight... rip mitch

 

"if anyone wants to see me after the show, i'll be... surprised."

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i just found out about this and needless to say i was shocked. i always wanted to see him live and never got a chance. one of my favorite comedians.

rest in peace.

 

"I think Pringle's started out to make tennis balls, but on the day the rubber was supposed to arrive, a truck full of potatoes showed up. But Pringle's is a very laid-back company. They said, 'Fuck it! Cut 'em up!'"

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Guest beardo

RIP

 

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow [expletive].

 

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

 

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load [expletive] into a truck.

 

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

 

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

 

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

 

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

 

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

 

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

 

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

 

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

 

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

 

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

 

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.

 

Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

 

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in.

 

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

 

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

 

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.

 

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

 

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! [expletive]. Seven. I need more dice."

 

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

 

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

 

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

 

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

 

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

 

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "[expletive] it. Cut em up."

 

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

 

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

 

Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

 

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

 

 

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

 

 

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.

 

 

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

 

 

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

 

 

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "[expletive], I had to be somewhere..."

 

 

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

 

 

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

 

 

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

 

 

I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

 

 

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.

 

 

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

 

 

My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

 

 

I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

 

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

 

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

 

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

 

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."

 

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

 

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

 

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

 

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

 

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of [expletive] you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

 

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

 

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

 

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

 

I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

 

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

 

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

 

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

 

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

 

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...

 

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

 

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

 

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

 

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...

 

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

 

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

 

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

 

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

 

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

 

Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."

 

Why are there no during pictures.

 

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

 

 

I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

 

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

 

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

 

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

 

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

 

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

 

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

 

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

 

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.

 

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

 

My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.

 

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

 

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

 

I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.

 

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

 

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

 

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

 

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

 

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

 

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...

 

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

 

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

 

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

 

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

 

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

 

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree!

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