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sectorTVA

thoughts....

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i consider myself a pretty deep thinker, i spend alot of time by myself and most of that time is spend thinking about my life, future, other people, and a ton of other shit. on the bus this morning heading back to the parking lot to get books out of my trunk i was thinking as i normally do, i was thinking about what other people think...maybe they think about the next football game or the next party they will attend. i was wondering how many people actually think like me. i was, at the time thinking about happiness and how unhappy i am. i shouldnt be unhappy, but when i think i normally become unhappy, keep in mind that im alone 95% of the day, and i think alot when im alone, so im not very happy most the time. so, why the hell am i not happy, i look around everywhere and see people with their friends smiling and enjoying the day, and just enjoying life. this is not to say i dont enjoy life, there are things that i do enjoy, i like seeing the leaves turn color in the fall, i like hearing a trains horn, i like walking in the rain. simple things like that do make me happy...but when i sit down and think about my life im saddened. i really shouldnt be either, ive had every thing handed to me in a silver fucking spoon, yet im not happy. ive never had a job, my parents arent extremely rich, but theyre not extremely poor either, and they still provide me with things that i need. i should be happy about that, there are alot of people who have to work for shit they need. ive had friends or known people from all socioeconomic classes, poor, middle class, and realitively wealthy friends. and they all seem better off than me...maybe they think the same shit i do everyday, and just hide their sadness. i dont know. well shit, i feel like a damn fool, but theres something missing in my life. i dont know what it is...im pissed off because i think about it too much, and these thoughts are interfering with my current education. i take 30 minutes on a math problem that should take me 10 minutes. so i dont know...im trying to think of ways to find a way that would somehow make me think less of sadness, and more on the subject at hand...im pretty weak minded i guess.

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Guest beardo

i can relate to a lot of that. i was having a conversation similar to what youre talking about yesterday. you need to occupy your time. being alone and dwelling on all things bad is not good for you. also, try to keep in mind that its just as easy to consentrate on the good things in life as it is the bad.

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Guest ctrl+alt+del

He's a LONER dottie!

 

He's a Loner Dottie!

 

i feel the same way. im in high school now and i realize i just dont fit in anywhere. everyone else has their little group or clique, but not me. sometimes i flutter around from group to group to talk to a few people, but at lunch i dont have a table or group of people that i always sit at. last night i realized i dont have any best friends of any sort. i have friends, but i always thought friends were kind of shady. i dont have any friends i can trust. i dont have anyone i can share my secrets with. i dont even have anyone i can share this shit with. have you ever noticed how, on busses, everyone is talking laughing yelling screaming with each other? i noticed last week im the only one on my bus that is constantly looking out the window. everyone is going about their lives having fun, so why cant i be like them? why do i have to think so much? why can't i just drain all my thoughts and become a mindless freak like everyone else? but would that make me happy? truly happy? i only have 2 friends i paint with. even they ditch me. like last night when we were suppose to go big. they knew it was the night. but i called and they had made other plans. not the first time this shit has happened. if i had real friends, would they be doing this to me? or is that what real friends do? i always try to find a lesson behind everything that happens to me. so that i dont make the same mistake again. i think too much, thats why my thoughts are so scrambled. ill go off on odd tangents and forget where i was, thats why my long posts dont make too much sense. i think out of all the kids i know at school, im the only one that has never drinked or smoked(mary j or cigarettes). im too afraid actually. what would happen if i did get drunk. i think i know what would happen. id lose my inhibitions. and id start spouting everything that came to my mind. id be spitting ticking bombs, because the things i think can hurt people. no one would like me if i told them what i thought. i keep to myself and no one is hurt. girls say im shy. thats not how i really am though. they dont take the time to get to know me. its like that atmosphere song "and if i could show you, you would never leave it" this girl christie said something to me the other day, she gave me a weird slanted smile and said, you live in this weird gavgavland once you go their its hard to bring you out of it. i wanted to tell her that she should visit me in my land sometime. i know she'd like it there. no one can bother you in my land. shed never want to leave it.

im gonna rap this post up because i hate talking about myself. it makes me feel vulnerable. i hate telling anyone anything about my life. it leaves me open. i liken it to wearing a suit of armor. if you lift up your shin guards anyone can come along and chop you off at your knees. thats why i keep everyone shut out. they think they know me. no one really knows me though. but then i wonder, is this what everyone thinks? does everyone feel like they are the only one? does everyone say to themselves, no one understands me. shouldnt everyone be as unhappy as me?

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i feel the same way ctrl alt del. felt the same way when i was on the bus. i have friends at school, but no one i can really talk to.

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This is a perfect example of how we need to express ourselves more. We get all emotional with ourselves and then we keep all this hostility pent up inside. Try doing yoga, or find a creative outlet. Try writing from a third person perspective. Writing your thoughts down may help you analyze whats bothering you. Good luck.

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i can relate too...i dunnnnnno what it is either, but i think it might be some sort of mild depression or not bein able to enjoy things like you used to...but that shit is bad for you...i try not to worry about other people as much, because comparing yourself to others is ridiculous and i think only makes you more prone to feeling even worse about yourself...but then again, i dont mind being alone so much...sometimes i do, sometimes i dont...i guess i am too busy making up my own bullshit to deal with and dont want to deal with other peoples bullshit.......its just too damn nice out today though...thinking about this type of shit aint good for your soul...it empties it..so you need something that refills it...music, writing, reading, smiles, walks, laughs, sleep...eating, taking road trips...goin to museums...etc etc etc

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Guest HESHIANDET

throw my ass in the depressed/miserable/unsure/sometimes happy boat. ima ball of passive aggression and pent up rage.

 

ctrl alt del, hang in there dude. high schol is such bullshit. once your out you'll realize how trivial it all is. and don't focus too much attention on a girl, i can tell you (and everyone) that girls don't help you to feel better. even hot ones who love you don't help.

 

basically teres always something better or something we can't have. im trying to adopt a "live fast, die young" attitude, but im failing at that as well. ahhhh fuck, backto my homework...ugh

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fuck, this is all too familliar, same fuckin thing in highschool, finally about four years back i met some good friends, true friends, they helped me through alot, they didnt know it, but they did, and girls fuck everything up anyway, you get to love them, then after that touchy feely phase is gone its all arguments...this shit is way fucked up...

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ive tried everything i can to keep my mind from thinking...as great as it is to be thinking critically about things, its not that great to be thinking critically all the time...there is no off switch to my thinking...sometimes when im driving home from campus, my mind will start to drift and wonder off into nothingness, and then the light turns red and im like oh shit at the last minute and have to slam to brakes. its worst when im trying to do homework...this shit is important since im actually paying for college through loans and what not, so i need the grades...only problem is, i cant get the grades because im too busy thinking about other shit, to the point where i cant work. the only things that distract me are my 2 local friends, graffiti, and the bottle...unfortunately all this is temporary..as soon as im takin away from my distractions of life, i start thinking again, thinking about stupid shit itself is a distraction from what i have to do, which is pass my classes. i listen to all kinds of music, mostly classic rock and hiphop, but it turns out im thinking crazy shit about the music too. when im on the bus or walking through campus im always analyzing people, trying to draw conclusions on the type of persons they are. its kind of a game for me, i watch everything other people do, at lunch i listen to other peoples conversation and draw conclusions on them, and determine whether they possess good traits or bad traits...and if they have any bad traits what can they do to improve their actions. i take note of everything that everyone does wrong around me and i make sure i never do those same things. in class i listen to how people respond to questions, and determine what kind of person they are simply by the way they answer. of course im probably wrong about my assumptions, but id like to think im right. but thats how i live my life, ive been livin it like that for 6 years and it drives me nuts. ever since ive noticed im not quite the social fuckin butterfly that my sister is. thats some more shit i think about...i recently took a personality test (cost 20$), to give me further insite on myself..the test results are exactly what i expected...im extremely introverted, and i think alot...im also caring about other people, which is true, i care alot about others, and i enjoy helping people out if i can. so i concluded that im just not capable of being social, and ive come to terms that its okay not to be social...im happy with the few friends i have now and ive grown to appreciate them, but for some reason im not very happy about anything else....weird shit..sometimes i wonder if ill ever be happier...am i going to be sad my entire life? if so whats there to live for? im trying my best to take my mind off these negative thoughts by doing things i enjoy most, mainly painting. but im still troubled...

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Guest ctrl+alt+del

i can relate a lot to sector. funny side story though, i was sitting at a red light, waiting for it to turn green.it is a main street in town but due to big construction, everyone in town seems to have found new routes because it is empty. there are 2 friends sitting on the bench on the sidewalk. i watch them for what seems to be a couple of minutes. trying to figure out different things about them. how do they treat girls? do they even get girls? if they were in my position what would they do? (typing this out i realize i think about girls too much)(typing the previous out i realize girls are a huge part of the drama that ruin my life) anyways, i sit there watching them and suddenly im brought back and i gas it through the intersection, the only problem is its still red. if it had not been for the road construction, the street would have been empty and i would have injured or killed not only my self but others.

im not sure why i said it was a funny side story, because it is hardly funny.

thought:notice how many people "view" this thread in comparison to other threads. why dont they want to read about thoughts? are they "thoughtless"?

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shit, i can relate to most of what people just said on here......I love sitting in the back corner of the bus and staring out the window....just to take in and analyze all the shit thats going on outside.....i have one, yes one, friend i actually call up regularly to kick it with.....at school i often spend the lunch period wandering around just observing all the crap that goes on, because, like someone above said, i dont fit in with any cliques or hang out at any one spot at lunch....i have terrible social skills, no self confidence....and to quote someone in a different thread "I wish i didnt have to be drunk to approach a girl" but even then i hardly have anything to say....i find solace in walking through the woods, riding the bus through town by myself and looking out the window, playing music, listening to music, and graffiti.........almost all the time i feel that i've altered my own fate somehow, and everything i do is just radically different than any future i should have had.....but the point is, i find peace in being a loner most of the time, and in all my time spent thinking alone, i've managed to prioritize my life much more to my liking, and control my own mind and emotions better....almost everything said above either describes current or past attributes of my myself...and i find that learning to just throw away the emotions of worry and hate can do a world of good......hopefully some sense will show through what i just wrote.....im going to bed

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i'm basically an evolved version of you kids. i spend 99% alone... given up any prospect of friends deeper than wht i have now, or girls. i guess im cool with it.. i have nothing to compare it to though.

 

and the 'critical thinking' about yourself is called rumination

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Guest ctrl+alt+del
Originally posted by Xeroshoes

and i find that learning to just throw away the emotions of worry and hate can do a world of good......

 

is throwing them away getting rid of them or just pushing them under?

 

i always push my anger under. i swallow it, which is a mistake. the anger eats at my heart. im sure if i vocalized my anger i would be mentally healthier. maybe not liked, but healthier.

 

we read the chapter in school in the health books about depression. i hate reading that shit and seeing it in myself because its not like im suicidal or anything.

 

in seventh grade and before i was the jokester. i just got off with a kid i hadnt talked to since 6th grade, he talked about all the times id crack people and everyone would be laughing.i dont joke anymore. i stopped being like that in 8th grade. i remember this skater kid in 8th grade asking me, "whats wrong with you man? you never smile anymore" hes right, i dont smile. fact: in seventh grade when i smiled i had 5 girlfriends that year. 8th grade none. 9th, one. none since then. girls dig guys that smile at them. i should take drugs. i should take prozac.

 

i

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not pushing them under so much as learning to understand and control them. if you've read the book dune, its kind of the same concept as the Bene Gesserit litany against fear...."I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."....except not worded so eloquently, basically worry can be discarded because it is also a sort of mind killer....hate is more complicated because it can boil up inside, but instead of swallowing it, i just try not let myself hate people in the first place....but im not saying i have total control of my emotions, of course some people i can't help hate and sometimes i catn help worry, but if you manage to do away with all your unnecessary worry and hate i think it only does you good........

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chalk me up to this group too:

i dont know what i want to do anymore, i know that if i go out and get a job in the "real world" that i hate i will end up killing myself either mentally or physically, that was my personal reason for wanting to become some sort of photographer in the future, its one of the only things i think i could be happy doing that i could get paid for. but im stuck in community college and i hate it, it feels exactly the same as highschool, i dont know why im there because i hate it so much, i havent been to my english or sociology classes in 3 weeks because i just leave after my math class and drive along the tracks for miles alone, i dont know why i do, i tell myself that im looking for spots, but i dont think i am anymore, i dont want to go back to the school because everyone there sucks and i genuinely hate all of their vapid asses. i go and i read catcher in the rye and fight club over and over again. i go the skatepark when no ones there and just roll around doing small shit and thinking about why im doing any of this, on my way home i wonder if itd be such a tradgedy for me to plow into a telephone pole or something, i've had 2 friends die this way and i wonder if they were thinking the same things i am. i hold off on doing it though because i dont want my mom to cry. I dont really care about anything anymore i dont think, girls tell me their problems and i laugh at them. i see many of my friends going off to parties and i choose to sit at home and do nothing for another night or just go out and ride my bike around by myself. painting is one of my only theraputic things, i dont care about fame i dont think, everyone says that but i really dont, i want people to see my stuff but i dont care if i am famous or some bullshit like that, all i know is that i spend all day trying to silence the thoughts that i have in my head and it never works, the only time im able to not think is when i paint, i am thinking nothing when i paint, i am zen, my hand moves because i have trained it to, when i walk to my classes i have my head down and my hand is doing the motions of oneliners and throwups, people must think im seriously crazy, but when i paint my body moves and its like i dont need to think for once, my mind is in a state of clarity. i got busted about a month and a half ago and havent been able to paint, maybe thats why im depressed i dont know, and now because of this ACOD im not supposed to paint till march. i cant last that long, i need to silence my brain, im painting tomorrow night because i dont care anymore about the risk, if im smart i wont be caught i tell myself every night i go out, i just need my head to be clear for awhile so i can feel "good". my dad was diagnosed with MS 8 years ago and ive had to grow up not having as normal of a childhood as most kids, and whats worse is that ive had to watch my fathers health deteriorate and see him depressed because he cant walk anymore and this doenst help my situation any, anyone who finds a suicide not written by their father knows that it is the most damaging thing that can happen to you often. that really fucked me up, i didnt sleep for days and i think i was only 13 at the time. basically i just spend each day hoping the next will be better...but it never is.

 

sorry for the rambling.

 

nsk

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Re: He's a LONER dottie!

 

Originally posted by ctrl+alt+del

He's a Loner Dottie!

 

have you ever noticed how, on busses, everyone is talking laughing yelling screaming with each other? i noticed last week im the only one on my bus that is constantly looking out the window. everyone is going about their lives having fun, so why cant i be like them? why do i have to think so much? why can't i just drain all my thoughts and become a mindless freak like everyone else? but would that make me happy? truly happy? i only have 2 friends i paint with. even they ditch me. like last night when we were suppose to go big. they knew it was the night. but i called and they had made other plans. not the first time this shit has happened. if i had real friends, would they be doing this to me

 

 

damn dude....

i think the exact same thing everyday

I sleep on the bus alot now.in the back..haha

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