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Milton

The Strangest Two Days of My Life...

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The past two/three days have been the strangest two days of my life whatsoever and I would like to share with 12oz. So 2 days ago I hang out with a female friend of mine from the neighboorhood, and theres always been some sort of weird sex vibe between us but we never really got around to making good of it, so we go to her place and get sort or, really drunk off of Jagermeister and start making out, one thing leads to another and I go for the condom in my wallet to find it ripped in 2 pieces by car keys or a pocket knife or something. So we basically do everything else for a few hours, and I'm pretty sure there was no sex, but I'm not positive (See: Jagermeister) which is sort of scary since neither of us had any protection. But then afterwards we're sort of sitting on her couch talking and shes starts getting all possesive like "so are we going to still be seeing other people, I don't think we should, I think we should be together together. I really wouldn't want to do this with you if you weren't my boyfriend." Of course I assured her that we would discuss it when we were sober, and made my exit. Then around 5 this morning I get a call from my friend who asks me if I can drive him to court because he has no insurance and if he gets caught again without it its going to be a 1000 dollar fine and 10 days in jail. So I agree just to get him off the phone and let me sleep and at about 12 he shows up at my door like "lets go." As a bit of background this bird he sleeps with is the best friend of my ex girlfriend that 12oz heard about a few months ago. So he tells me we're going to this town about 10 minutes from where said birds live together, and he forgot to mention on the phone that he was planning to "hang out with them for a while before court the next day." So being the kind person I am I agree to take him and we go, and halfway there I get caught doing 100 in a 65 and get a fucking wreckless driving ticket and they almost impound my car, but I convinced the cop to let me drive it home and that I promised not to speed ever again. All the while I have the worst Jagermeister induced hang over. So we get to the city where my friend has court and he informs me that he has to be in court at 6:15 and then he has to be home an hour after that, however the place we are is 2 hours away from his house, so we're fucked. We get there and go to "hang out" with his bird and who happens to be there but my ex and he new boyfriend freebasing. As a little background, she has been trying for the past two weeks to beg me to be "friends" with her again, but I have been avoiding the subject because she is a, well shes no good. Anyway she doesn't even acknowledge that I'm there so I'm like fuck this and I walk out of the apartment to smoke a cigarette. About five mintues later here comes my replacement because he wants to have a "man to man" talk with me. He says to me "You don't have to be a dick just cause I'm with your girl now..." My head is still throbbing, I just got a 300 dollar traffic ticket and now this asshole is in my face on bullshit, so what do I do. I say calmly, "If you want to walk a mile in my 11 and a halfs thats fine, but don't throw heat my way cause I broke 'em in..." All the while he's leaning closer and closer towards me and he starts to say something about "She's my girl now...", so I say "Look, I don't have anything against you, I'm sure you're a great guy and you'll treat my ex better than I ever would, but you will never BE ME the end, and if you take one step closer towards me you'll lose teeth. I promise..." This guy looks me up and down like hes considering throwing a punch and then walks back in the house...

 

Its getting long, I will continue...

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Oh and another thing........if your ex bitch is smoking crack then why even sweat her remotely? I don't know man.......I'd have been out......

I would have just told dude "Look man........you can have the basehead beotch you fucking punk bitch....get out of my face!"

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Guest imported_Tesseract
Originally posted by Milton

 

Its getting long, I will continue...

 

dude milton, what the fuck are you doing? i really enjoy this story..wheres the rest..dont turn me to some old lady addicted to brazilian soap opera and post up!

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Asickeronus with the words of wisdom. I'm not sweating her I just cannot tolerate some junkie asshole acting like hes something to me...

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you should beat your friend up for making you drive him and having you get a ticket... i woulda been pissed.

 

did your girlfirend do drugs to? what about when you guys were together?

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I'm doing episode 2 just for Tesser...

 

So I'm sitting out there halfway into my third cigarette, I know I look like an asshole for sitting outside by myself, but I had a hangover, I felt like shit, and I could not handle the drama. So my friend comes out and hes like "whats up with you dude? Are you alright?" I assure him I'm fine and we load up the minivan and head out to dinner as a big happy family. So we're eating and as you probably guessed, the junkie is throwing me weird vibes the entire time. But as a master of planning I sit next to "the other female friend" who happens to be good looking and single. We chat for a minute about life in general and basically hit it off. All the while the wannabe wont make eye contact with me and him and ex bird have said nothing to me at all, but since me and my boy and other girl and his bird are all conversating nicely they sort of segregate themselves from the whole thing. So they finish as fast as possible and want to "go home and sleep" so we bid them farewell and leave on the way to "other female friends" house. At this point the shit talking starts. My boy, his bird, the other friend tell me what a fuck up this guy is and blah blah blah, and I tell them to please leave it be, I hope their happy. So they poke and prod and I throw out the fact that she told me herself how lame dude was while we were together and asked me to come by and rough him up cause he wouldn't quit calling her. Then we change subjects to something I didn't really care about but nodded and smiled away. We end up at "other friends" house and get comfortable. I go with other friend to her room to "talk" while my man and his bird are in the living room. We make out for a while until she informs me that shes "saving it for marriage" and I slowly hint at the fact that I have to leave soon. It's about 1 am at this point and I am off to find something to do...

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Yo.......I do not get you! You go from chilling with a basehead to then cooling with her "virginity saving" homegirl? Man........talk about a mental mind fuck!

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She was not a basehead when I was with her, she smoked a lot of weed, but who didn't. I don't know, I told you strangest two days ever in life...

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Guest imported_Tesseract

whoa, thanx for episode 2...seriously though...it must suck to have an ex hooked up with such a douchebag...i dunno, most of my relationships where kinda serious, not measured in time but as serious ineterest about a girl...everytime i would brake up i always had a concern that some girl will hook up with the worst asshole available..and of course it happened sometimes. This is past sexual shit..its a matter of trust and i hate being proven wrong.

 

Anyway, good for you that you didnt procceed in smashing that dudes face (although it sounds like a real challenge) and fuck both you ex and the christian girl that thinks her virginity is gods gift to the world.

 

what about the jagermeister girl?

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:lol:

 

i cant think how shitty it would be to save your virginity for marraige... talk about a waste.

 

think how fucked it would be if their man sucked... sure they might not realise it sucks because theyve never had better, but lets be for reals here, you would know it sucks after awhile...

 

fuck them hoes.

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Life and times of M. Ilton Volume III:

 

So I have a couple of good friends that live out there and go to school at the community college and that so I give them a call, and of course they are getting drunk at the house, so I swing by in the minivan, which I think belongs to my boys bird or the other girl, either way, I leave other girl and my man to handle his business, and I proceed to drink large quantities of malt liquor. Two o'clock rolls around and then 2:30 and my phone rings, I don't recognize the number. I answer, and if you're following closely you would have guessed it is ex bird calling to apologize for the way they acted at dinner and saying she "really needs to talk to me." I of course say "talk then" and she proceeds to spill her guts on the phone about how I was such a big part of her life, and she doesn't want to loose touch etc... etc... etc... So being that I'm under the influence of Mickey's ice I tell her, "you made your bed now sleep..." She says what I say "You have a man the fuck do you need me for, just smoke another rock it will all be okay" She is basically in hysterics at this point and I feel sort of bad. I say "I'm not trying to be mean, but I've been friends with you for what 4 years? You've known this dude for a month and you're gonna let him come at me like he's Tony fucking Soprano, be real" This seemed to make her angry and she says "You just can't handle the fact that I could love somebody more than I did you..." Which kind of set me off and I reply "You cannot be serious right now, you and Dennis Rodman the kind of rebounds have fun in life, you were signing checks with my last name less than a month ago and now you love some other dude, you're a fucking joke, I'm gonna have a laugh about this as soon as I hang up, have a nice life, goodbye" and I hung up... The friends house I'm at breaks into hysterical laughter and they give me high fives etc on how gangster it was. We continue drinking, there are 2 more calls from the same number and two voice messages, I do not check them... It is by this time about 4:15 and I head back to the other chicks house...

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Bravo Milton....top notch story. I think most of us older heads with any semblance of a social/sex life can relate in some way to some, if not all, of the elements of an otherwise straight up honest tale. Good show.

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Originally posted by Asickeronius

In "In Living Color" Damon Wayans voice........

"Handi Tease........up, up and still gay!"

 

 

:lol: :lol:

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I'm going to skip ahead to Jagermeister girl's part of the story because that is at the forefront of my mind as of now. I remember clearly that there was no ACTUAL sex because we made plans to "take it to the next level" at a later date, but there was a lot of not putting it in kind of maybe "dry sex" if you will. Which worries me a touch cause I know there can be some excitment that causes a select few little soldiers to march, if I didn't actually put it in am I safe from having the little guys on the run? Anybody?

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I know a few crackheads, and the only time and place they go out for dinner is Two Dollar Tuesdays at KFC.

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Originally posted by Milton

if I didn't actually put it in am I safe from having the little guys on the run?

 

as long as she didn't give you brains, you should be fine

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Originally posted by ARCEL

as long as she didn't give you brains, you should be fine

 

How would that make a difference?

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Originally posted by Milton

How would that make a difference?

 

 

what? you didnt know girls can get pregnant from swallowing?

 

 

 

 

get with the times man.

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Guest imported_Tesseract

I swear to god i'm sick to death of half the threads in channel zero getting hijacked with teaseness...its either tease posting crap or others giving crap to tease...i wont play teacher and point fingers here but ALL of you need to realise that shit has to stop.

 

Milton, this is getting better and better

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