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Holy fucking awkward moment, Batman


Guest imported_El Mamerro
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....not really a story....

 

so i'm at my girlies house and her husband comes home early and sits right next to me on the couch and asks me if i want to watch 'bringin down the house' some movie with queen latifah and that one guy with white hair..... for two hours we sat next to each other..... and i wondered if he ever noticed that the room smelled like sex or the fact that both her and my underwear where sitting infront of the couch..

 

 

...yea i'm pussywhipped...

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Guest im not witty

^ hahaha, thats funny. this is a similar story, didnt happen to me but its funny. its not even awkward but its funny so just read it goddamnit.

 

so my boy is having sex with this married woman right, on the regular. last week he goes over there cause her husbands out of town and shes havin a party. anyway, parties over people are passin out. they usually scrog in the guest room but tonight she takes him to her bedroom and starts givin him head.

 

now there are 3 types of girls. a)those who swallow,b)those who spit and c)those who just let it go everywhere. Well shes the third type. so he blows and just gets the shit everywhere, all over her husbands side of the bed. hahaha. anyway they pass out and in the morning he leaves. she calls to tell him that she was cleaning the house up, roaches out of the ashtray and everything. so anyway shes cleaning the bedroom and discovers that my boy managed to land some squirt on their wedding picture by the bed!

 

HA fucking HA.

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Re: no offense, but i may with this one...

 

Originally posted by Dusty Lipschitz

see, what i was wondering was what my dog would do if i held her nose to my ass while i farted. i was about to find out, but before i could break wind, i looked up to see her.

 

:lol: hiiiiiilarious!!!

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Originally posted by im not witty

^ hahaha, thats funny. this is a similar story, didnt happen to me but its funny. its not even awkward but its funny so just read it goddamnit.

 

so my boy is having sex with this married woman right, on the regular. last week he goes over there cause her husbands out of town and shes havin a party. anyway, parties over people are passin out. they usually scrog in the guest room but tonight she takes him to her bedroom and starts givin him head.

 

now there are 3 types of girls. a)those who swallow,b)those who spit and c)those who just let it go everywhere. Well shes the third type. so he blows and just gets the shit everywhere, all over her husbands side of the bed. hahaha. anyway they pass out and in the morning he leaves. she calls to tell him that she was cleaning the house up, roaches out of the ashtray and everything. so anyway shes cleaning the bedroom and discovers that my boy managed to land some squirt on their wedding picture by the bed!

 

HA fucking HA.

 

 

 

That's horrible, but extremely funny.

 

 

Sorry but I hope the husband finds out and kicks your friend's ass.

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Guest imported_El Mamerro
Originally posted by MrChupacabra

Mams, any chance of there being a Mierda Tour thread?

 

Oh hell yes, there will be. Gotta get a pair of dispo's developped (hope to death they didn't get fucked up, cause the trip was intense) and I'll rock it.

 

All of these stories are fucking amazing people, keep em coming. Dusty and Spike killin' it...

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man, i can't think of any stories like that at the moment but...

 

my family and i were visiting my grandparents when i was about 10 (my brother being about 12 then)..where they used to live they had a nice swimming pool in the backyard, and we would swim there all the time. so my brother and i are in the water and he puts his arm around my neck and starts choking me real hard, to the point where i'm gasping for air. naturally, i get pissed, and before i know it we're both out of the pool, and i'm advancing toward him. he's laughing of course, because he thinks i'm amused by the whole thing, but what he didn't know was that he had fallen into a trap. i punched him right in the face, and he fell in the water and continued laughing histerically. my grandfather yelled at me and i was sent to the attic for the rest of the afternoon to think about what i had just done.

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yeah i get shit like that all the time.

 

like one time throughout the night i didnt feel like throwing up money for shit so i said i didnt have any but i had a 20..and then later on someone said they had a 20 missing and they wanted to search everyone pockets..who was the only person with a 20? the guy who said he didnt have loot.

 

and my mom is always trying to do shit like that to me. i stayed up all night for 2 nights before christmas day and i was kinda weirded out from it and then after that my mom tells me my whole family thought i was on "ecstacy" hahahahaha fucking dumb fucks.

 

and one time in like 7th grade me and my boy were trying to make a pipe and my mom found parts of it and insisted that it was a crack pipe. :lol:

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Originally posted by Dusty Lipschitz

how about the time i was supposed to meet my sister at the corner of 2nd & market at 2pm. at 210 i get there and see her white celica parked at the corner. i walk up to get in shotgun, and theres this big black ninja in the passenger side. so i open the backseat door and hop in closing the door. realizing that not only is the passenger this thugged out black man. so is the driver. i quickly apoligize and hop my little cracker ass out the car and call my sis to tell her to meet me a black away.

 

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Alright. Here's a long one.

 

So one night after a party involving 20-some people

locked in an apartment consuming copius amounts

of hard liquor and psychedelics I find myself

crashing at this kid's house who I was loosely

associated with (by being friends with the

older brother; older brother was out of town

but the brother who was a year younger than

me had a fridge full of booze and a place to

bash so I brought peolpe and hallucinogens).

 

Keep in mind this kid's a year younger than me,

so obviously there's a couple kids at the party

who are a year or so younger than him. One

such kid had been caught by his parents being

fucked up on various substances... and because

his older friends knew me the parents were

under the impression their son's older friend's

older friends were getting their kid fucked up.

Translate 'older friends' to 'Me'.

 

So anyway, I stay up the entire night becomming

one with the original SSX while everyone else

around me either passes out or goes home.

9 in the morning rolls around, the two kids

I mentioned (owner and drug kid) wake up

and ask me if I want to go to breakfast with

them.. I decline being hypnotized by electronic

snowboarding and wanting to leave soon anyway.

Deptart Mike and Mike.

 

Mike's mom is a space cadet. Years and years

of using coke, being married to a rich guy

who's known around town for growing insane

amounts of dub and having his hands in all

sorts of 'questionable' things. Mike's mom is

the type of lady that has to tell you 4 times

in her ever-so-shaky voice 'I'm gonna go

watch my Melrose, take a shower, then read

a little before I lay down for the night' before

she remembers she told you the first time.

Mike's mom wants to clean the living room

in her robe and underwear while I'm playing

video games.

 

So here I am, 9 am, head full of Hunter S.

Thompson... in a living room immeresed in

video games and this okay-but-aged woman

cleaning the room in nothing more than panties

and a black silk robe. Am I supposed to make

some sort of advance? Am I missing something?

Is she looking at me? Nah... couldn't be...

 

*BING BLONG*

 

Doorbell rings. Mrs. Mike's Mom is spacey as

fuck so a minuet passes before I realize she

didn't hear her door ring. I get up, against my

better judgement, and decided the potential

caller needs love too. Door opens.

 

Enter: Father of kid who'd been caught on

drugs and knows me specifically as 'the kid

not to let your kid be around'. He asks where

his kid is, I ramble out some 'trying too hard

to sound like a good kid' nonsense before this

guy asks to speak to the kid who lives there.

I explain he's not there either and that they

bother 'went out for breakfast' (I realiize now

my knowing what he thought of me being

coupled with my condition probably made

everything I said seem like a half-truth based

on the looks I must have been giving him.)

 

By now he's obviously confused as to why I'm

hanging out in a place his son's supposed to

be in the first place... and why I seem to be

the only person in this house that is obviously

not mine. He asks if anyone else is there.

 

"Uhm...," I hesitate. "Mrs. Mike's Mom... if

you want." Yes. Let me speak with her."

 

I go, get Mrs. Morris, she talks to him. I return

to my video games. A minute passes and I

realize I'm thirtsty. Get up, go to kitchen,

get coke. As I'm walking back a glance from

Mr. Dad sends me spiraling into the reality

of what exactly was taking place. Oblivious

ass me, who just so happens to have been

up all night licking toads, who just so happens

to be known his area as 'the kid that gets into

things he shouldn't', just so happens to be

in a grown-ass-womans house at 9 in the

morning without any trace of anyone my age

around. She's in her underwear. I look like

hell, obviously, and on top of that my jaw-

clenching-cigarette talk didn't do much to make

it seem like I wasn't up to anything...

 

I'm a home wrecker. I'm a home wrecker?

 

Needless to say... ever since I've made ammends

with that dad who saw me that day. Even up

until I moved though I notived he'd always

give me straaange looks around his wifey.

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Guest imported_El Mamerro

Yo, I'm good with math!!

 

Obviously the problem you are presenting deals with combining my heroin spoon story with Dusty's ass-in-dog's-face story. I assume the dog has been cropped out of the picture.

 

The natural solution would be to fart into the spoon, cup it, then present it to the dog's face. Now, if we could only figure out how the sock fits in the scenario...

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I'm affraid my story doesnt compete with some I've read here, but I thought it was good for a laugh anyway:

 

I was in my friends kitchen making lemonaide when his new cat dives through the kitchen knocking dishes food and my lemonaide on the floor and procedes to dive under the kitchen table and begins crying. They crying was not like a cat it sounded like a baby or something, so I try to get it out from under the table and by this time another friend of mine walked in from the room where the cat came from in his underwear and was helping me try to coax the cat out from under the table. Now my friend whos cat it was came into the room and saw me bending down trying to grab his cat with another guy in his underwear and the cat crying like it had been shot. Then the cat runs into my friends bedroom and hides and now it cries everytime the underwear friend comes around. Supposedly the cat had been clawing at the bathroom door and when he tried to open the door to shoo it away its foot got stuck in the hinges and when he got it out it started crying and running. To this day we call him the cat molester...

 

Holler Forward

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in no way can i compete with these stories and mine isnt funny just a very close call...one of my good friends lived on the third floor in an apartment building.. we had just smoked and he jumped in the shower i was at the kitchen table reading a magazine and the doorbell rings i open it and its the landlord my friend hasnt paid rent in like 4 months so the guy just walks in i didnt know what to do this guy is fuckin mad saying hes gonna call the cops so he starts looking around and he looks at the kitchen table and he sees little pieces of the buds we just smoked i tried to wipe it off but he was sticking his face right up to the table meanwhile i notice the dog push the bedroom door wide open now my friend had 4 metal halide lamps and his room was glowing like yankee stadium. luckily the landlord was to fixated on the remnants of a bud to notice that there was a growroom about 8 ft away. i managed to get the door shut and he left..

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shit

 

i was painting some highways spots when i was in high school. it was during one of those "my girl dumped me, im a depressed teenager" timeframes and the moms definetly knew all about it. so im sitting there, painting this spot, i put a fatcap on a can of cherry red to outline and the fucker exploded all over everything, hands, clothes everything. i cursed the gods that be and went about my buisiness. i hit a few more spots and went home. i walk in the door and my mother was like, oh my god, what happened!? due to the blood red all over my face, clothes and hands, she thought i got my ass kicked or something. i was like, nono, dont worry its just spraypaint...like that effen helped. she then proceeded to flip the fuck out. accusing me of huffing spraypaint to escape my problems...threatening to "get me help"...lordy lordy. i thought it was funny because ive never really considered huffing spraypaint....i kinda thought that nobody really does that shit. i thought it was hilarious. that is all, thank you for your time.

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